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Today I vote for Moody May.
I’ve called my mom three separate times this week…all three times in tears. I had a breakdown today in the middle of the mall…well more specifically “Motherhood Maternity” as I was shopping for (ahem) “nursing attire,” because after the last 20 months mine is rather worn out. Nothing was fitting right and when the kind sales lady asked me if I had made a decision on the items I burst into tears. A very sweet lady named Denise came over and gave me a huge hug, saying “It’s going to be okay…God is on your side.” It meant a lot to me, but I felt embarrassed, especially when afterward I realized that they both were probably thinking, “oh that poor girl and her pregnancy hormones!” No…THAT would actually make sense.
I guess I’m just in a funk. I’m stressed about life in general. Stressed about the uncertainty of the future. Overwhelmed with the daily responsibilities of the household, taking care of my husband and toddler boy. I dread getting up in the morning and count down the hours til Ezra’s bedtime when I can watch TV with my husband. I’m pretty much exhausted. My house is a disaster zone. Cleaning it is like shoveling during a blizzard. And for the life of me I’m wracking my brain wondering what SANE PERSON had the idea to invite friends over for brunch on Monday. Oh wait, that was me.
I’m having to schedule allergy shots twice a week, which requires childcare, which has turned into a nightmare as my CYSS registration is expiring in less than two weeks (thanks for the 15 day heads-up, people), which leaves me scrambling to fill out another 20 pages of paperwork and calling doctors and nurses for medical forms, shot records, and now a “diet form” about Ezra’s egg allergy. My husband and I were supposed to go on a date to the movie theater today and they turned us away and told me they couldn’t care for him until I got my paperwork-ducks in a row.
My body isn’t reacting well to the shots, which means I have to see the allergist again. The shots leave me itchy and blotchy and I swear they make me irritable, emotional, and hormonal even though the nurses say they shouldn’t.
I’m trying to eat healthy and exercise, but even trying to make it to the gym seems like a scheduling hassle. I find myself stress-eating, not having time for proper meals and grabbing snickers bars at the checkout counter because I’m hungry, cheating on my allergens, and all of this makes me feel like crap (literally, and emotionally) and guilty. I’m running around like crazy and just daggone tired. I know I need to take care of myself, get a break, etc, but it seems like every time I try something, comes up, or someone needs something, or the baby gets sick, or the CDC becomes a hassle. And the few times I actually DO get a break, I come back to “life,” and it seems like even more of a disaster zone than I remembered.
Ezra has been watching way too much TV and eating way too much Spaghettios and crackers. I think he went 3-4 days this week without eating vegetables. Oh yeah, and have I mentioned that he’s anemic and has been on iron supplements, and I have to take him back to the doctor this week to get MORE blood drawn to recheck his iron levels? Way to go supermom…
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve snapped at Russ, yelled at him, and picked stupid fights with him. I really don’t know how he puts up with me sometimes.
Mothers Day is next Sunday. And the only thing I want is to stay home from church, all day, in my pajamas, maybe do a little bit of cleaning (that doesn’t involved being tackled onto the floor by a toddler yelling “I GEE YOU!!!”), sleep a bunch, and watch a chick flick! But of course that wouldn’t be right would it? Because all Godly mothers need to go to church on Mothers Day.
I’m venting. I know I have a stinky attitude. But I’m still putting this out there, because I want the world to know that I have bad days, bad weeks, bad months too.
Hopefully I’ll get out of this funk soon, and the rest of May will be a little bit better.