I am holding him in my arms. Squeezing so tightly I know my arms will probably be sore tomorrow. He is thrashing and his eyes are shut so very tightly.
I am begging him to look at me so I can try again..
I was frustrated and exhausted because all I wanted him to do was eat his lunch. But I wanted to breathe in and out and take three seconds to tell him I love him. Because I want so desperately to be a good mother.
I took the three second challenge but it came out too tersely and he covered his ears and screamed at me.
Not nearly the “good mom” moment I was going for.
He still refuses to look at me. Eventually I release the hold, walk up the stairs, and lock myself in the bathroom. My heart is racing and my emotions are raging and I need a time out.
He stands outside the door and screams some more.
I try to breathe.
I try to hold it together and fail.
And a few hours later after a short nap, I find it happening all over agin. This time, he is holding my face, spit landing on my cheeks as he meanly demands I turn off Daniel Tiger. My hair gets pulled.
And again, I try to hold it together and fail.
Linking up today with Kate Motaung for Five Minute Friday. “This is meant to be a free write, which means: no editing, no over-thinking, no worrying about perfect grammar or punctuation.” Today’s prompt is “Hold.”