Life just got a whole lot bigger and scarier. But the God I knew was still small and stuck in the box I created for him with my incomplete understanding of his grace.
It was confusing…still believing in the ideal of being a “good Baptist girl” who followed her perfect husband into “full-time Christian service,” yet realizing that not only was it probably never going to happen, but that I wasn’t sure if I even wanted that life anymore.
Healing didn’t happen overnight, and there were so many moments – moments like the summer of 2006 – that were pauses on the journey where I simply held onto faith in God’s plan.
What happened that evening in our home opened up a whole new world for me. I spent hours downloading music, checking out CDs from the library, and just laying in bed listening to secular music as I cried, felt the pain of loss, grieved, and healed.
What my first year of college taught me is that perfection – whether in your spiritual life or academic – is not possible, no matter how hard you try. That’s why we need Jesus. That’s why we need grace.
Growing up without a TV, never going to the movies, being terrified (literally) of rock music, and only having friends at my church – I lived in a clean, sterile little bubble of Christian goodness. It was safe, floating above the world – because I couldn’t touch them and they couldn’t touch me.