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I didn’t want to blog about this.
But my husband encouraged it, so blog I will.
A few days into March, I took my magnetic wipeoff board that hangs on the freezer and wrote the following words on it:
I didn’t write anything else, or explain to my husband why I wrote what I wrote. It was for me. But, of course, he asked about it.
The main reason I didn’t want to blog about this is that the reasons behind the phrase are somewhat personal. And I wasn’t sure that I wanted to share them with him or anyone else. I thought about sidestepping the main reason and just talk fluff about trying to accomplish my goals, just because. But, as I am learning that transparency and honesty are some of the things that I appreciate most about the blogs of others, I am going to plunge in and share what this means to me.
It started after a long discussion that my husband and I had about family planning. The short of the conversation is this: for various reasons which I shall not elaborate on here, my husband and I are going to be attempting to wait at least one more year before expanding our family.
This was, for me, a hard pill to swallow. I saw wisdom in my husband’s leadership and guidance and could rationally agree with the reasons for this decision. I could easily submit my own will to his in this matter, knowing that we, together, have decided what is best.
But emotionally? As a woman? Trying to not conceive has a lot of emotional, hormonal, and physical challenges much like trying TO conceive, especially when trying to take a more natural approach to family planning. I struggled for several days trying to explain to Russ this issue: “Yes, I agree with this decision, but you have to realize how difficult this will be for me on many many levels.”
As I began to slowly come to acceptance of the reality of this decision, I realized that instead of viewing this as “the year I have to get through without screwing up my chart and accidentally ending up pregnant” or “the year I get to watch all my friends have babies while I have to wait for ours”… I needed to view this year as FULL of opportunities. I have ahead of me a year during which I can more fully cultivate my little family, and be content with it being what it is. To be a better mother to Ezra, to grow closer to my husband without the distraction of pregnancy or a newborn baby.
I have another whole year to lose those STUBBORN 15 pounds that would put me back at my pre-pregnancy weight. To eat a healthier diet and establish an exercise regimen to put my body in a better shape for our next pregnancy.
And then, there’s all the other little goals I have, like…
- being a better friend and neighbor
- reading books again
- spending more time outdoors
- pampering myself and eliminating stress
- saving money, spending less
- taking better care of the house
- altering our lifestyle to eliminate toxins and chemicals, eat organic, and prevent disease as much as we are able
I’ll be honest…the thought of getting through a whole year without getting pregnant seems like a daunting task. FAM (fertility awareness method) is not an exact science, and I know that even if I “do everything right” I could still end up pregnant–at which point we would just raise hands in thankfulness to God knowing that HIS ways are not our ways. But still, that fear–that uneasiness is there.
So I’m taking it one month at a time. Each month that goes by where we are successful in our family planning, I am going to use that month to make a difference in these goals. I don’t want to waste this time moping about how much I want a baby especially during this post-deployment baby boom. Or being frustrated because of the stress of TTNC. I want to make each month MATTER!
And so, when I went to the freezer for ice cream and was greeted by the big black words “Make March Matter,” I reached instead for the smoothie ingredients. And then instead of lying on the couch I grabbed my little man, put him in the stroller, and took a walk around the block. And then when I got back to my house and saw my neighbors out, I actually made an attempt to be neighborly instead of hiding in the house.
I got off the computer to spend 2 hours in the backyard watching him throw a ball into a bucket of water. Because if I were pregnant I might just be puking my guts out and unable to get off the couch, wishing that I COULD play with my little man.
I read a helpful book while I’m nursing instead of playing spider solitaire on my phone.
I’ve taken meals to a friend who had a baby, because right now I have the energy to do it, and if I were pregnant I probably wouldn’t.
I’m Making March Matter
(Now I just have to come up with some catch phrase to keep me motivated in April. How about Aprille’s Awesome Abs in April?!?!)