Fear {on parenting a high needs child when planning for the next one}
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I laid in bed this morning and my heart was filled with fear. It was 5:20 AM. I had just refused Ezra’s adamant requests to cover him up, and now he was screaming at me through the door.
I cover him up multiple times, every night, and at every night waking. But then he will shift or simply get out of bed, then demand I cover him up again. This time, I said no because I just couldn’t do it any more.
I worry because he needs to be independent. He needs to be not given into at every whim. He needs to not get his own way all the time. He needs to learn to self-soothe. He needs to learn to cope without Mommy doing everything for him all the time.
And he needs to do this, if for no other reason than that in six months, I’ll be responsible for yet another human being who will need me…actually NEED me…to do all of those things for him (or her).
And Ezra actually IS capable. Just like he’s capable of putting on his socks and shoes and shirt, wiping his bottom, buckling himself into his carseat, feeding himself, and calming down when he’s going through a meltdown.
But he refuses. And twenty minutes later he’s still screaming that he can’t do it and that we have to do it and that he NEEDS Mommy. Thus was the case this morning.
And just like that I’m lying in bed with tears on my pillow about to hyperventilate. I have to take calming breaths myself.
He worked through it, eventually. Well, Daddy helped him calm down and then Ezra decided to just not get back in bed and play instead. But he did stop screaming.
I don’t know how I’m going to do this. How will I parent an infant when all of my energy is spent parenting an infant-like high needs 4-year-old? How can I deal with more sleep deprivation when waking up with this child once or twice a night for a few weeks has literally wrecked me? What was I thinking getting pregnant again?
TimeHop daily reminds me of all the sleep deprived nights of the last four years and I actually start to wonder if sleep deprivation is traumatic enough to give a mom PTSD?
I fear that somehow, this is all my fault. That I’ve given in one too many times because I was just too daggone tired and I created a being who can’t be satisfied until I give in. And that it’s just a vicious cycle that will continue forever and ever and ever.
I don’t expect our next child to be any easier. I know that it’s technically possible, but I don’t see it happening. I drink Peaceful Mama tea and try to visualize sleeping babies, but my gut (and all the butterflies of movement within) are telling me that this one will come out just as active and stubborn as his (or her) older brother.
Fear…
Special needs moms: How do you do this? How do you get past the fear and enjoy the thought of having another child? How do you go on to parent another child when your first demands so much of you?
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Linking up today over at Finding The Grace Within for Tuesday at Ten on the Prompt “Fear.”
11 Comments
Karen Courcy
I certainly understand where you are coming from. I had 3 boys all young at the same time at one point. Although my boys are now 22, 18 and 16, at one time i had my hands full and those days were spent with fear! It does get better. And you did the right thing in not giving into him, he will learn that he can do these small things himself, and right now is the right time to do this before the new baby is born. The more you show him that you are not going to get up to his every cry, the more freedom you will have when he learns to do these things himself. It will get easier. Thank you for sharing your “fear” with us ..
Mary Hill
I am not sure what advice I can give. I only had one child and she was a blessing. I know your son is too. I will pray for him that he will be able to sleep without disturbance s through the night. Remember Jesus said he would never put more on us than we could bare and scripture also says we can do all things through Him who strengthens us.
Angelika
Hi there, been there…really. Just had my second baby 7 weeks ago after my first was a high need one (still sleeps with us, cause Mommy and Daddy like sleep. A lot.)…
Second baby: average baby. Feels INCREDIBLY easy after parenting a high need child. If you have parented a high need child, you have developed massive amounts of frustration tolerance…God has equipped you to cope in ways you do not even see, and stretched you beyond all you could have ever imagined. This is hugely helpful when you then get a “normal” baby. God knows whom he gives which baby. No mistakes. He will give you something you will be equipped to handle.
I spent pregnancy exhausted, worried, and praying for trust. 7 weeks in I am laughing. My high need child adores her baby sister. Not saying there haven’t been a few tears. But the joy outweighs. I did evrrything I could to prepare her, focussing on how much I would need her help when baby comes, talking about what babies need and all the stuff they are incapable of doing, contrasting that constantly with “but you are a big girl, right? You can do that already right?God has given us this baby and we can both take care of her…we are a great team…blabla… 🙂 helped a lot!
Ezra waking up and wanting to be tucked in: not gonna work when baby comes. But you can give Ezra permission to come to you for a quick hug in the night perhaps? It sounds to me like he just misses you in the night…maybe? As you say it is not about lack of skills. Tell him you love him, and he is welcome to come to you in the night if he gets lonely. A quick cuddle and I love you, and back to bed he goes, tucking himself in, thank you very much! It respects his need for comfort whilst getting rid of this powerplay battle over who puts his covers on. Just a suggestion. At least that way you can stay in bed and drift back to sleep.
By the way my daughter is suddenly capable of dressing herself. Only since baby is here, and Mummy literally is stuck on the sofa and cannot get up and help. The battles we had before that! Suddenly..it works. Take heart. He will get it. With a few tears. And some kisses. And lots of encouragement.
I feel your fear… I do understand. Take heart. God really does know what he is doing. He will help you,and Ezra.
Aprille
Thank you so much! Great thoughts, and this is so encouraging!!
Jane
I love this post! It is exactly the way I am feeling about having second child – how would I cope with two active kids and how would I cope with the exhaustion!?
I am planning another child in a 1-2 years time, not now, my little one is 9 months old and takes all my energy from me 🙂
I hope you will find a way of managing two children, I am sure you will, it just seems scary, I know, but you will get there at the end, we all will! Good luck! May God give us more patience and big smile on our face at times when we are too tired to smile.
Aprille
I’m very glad that we spaced our kiddos out (they will be 5 years apart). I’m sure I’ll manage…somehow!
Amanda H
My daughter is only 2 months old and my only child so I have no first-hand experience. But I do work with families of children with special needs (from higher-functioning to severe) and as one of the ladies previously stated, you did the right thing by not giving in AND…it will get easier. I know it’s so difficult and as parents we have these fears that our actions are going to cause long term negative outcomes for our children or what we’ve done previously hasn’t been good enough. If it’s any consolation at all, all of my friends have stated that the second baby by far was easier!
Amanda H
And P.S. I have only recently (as in, my baby started sleeping well Monday night) had glimpses of life on the other side of newborn sleep deprivation. Just remember that it feels nothing like pregnancy exhaustion, which made me want to die. Breathing felt like too much work! Once your baby is born, you’ll get some energy back. I did and I’m an older first-time parent!
Aprille
I don’t know. I think newborn sleep deprivation is worse than pregnancy (at least it was with my first baby). I’m in 2nd trimester now so I have a lot more energy, but my 4yo son is still having spurts of night-waking (we were up twice last night!). I’m so not looking forward to dealing with bad dreams AND night-feedings at the same time!
Aprille
Thanks so much for your encouragement. I have had several people tell me that the second baby is easier so I’m hoping it will be the same for me!
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