This is the moment everything up til this moment formed into this realization of healing. Because not once during the last few days had I been triggered. Not one hymn. Not one shudder induced by a smell or a sight. No anger. No pain. No regret. Just genuine gratitude and bittersweet joy for my family, for my grandma’s prayers, for the good old hymns, for each and every last memory.
Tomorrow is the day I have kind of dreaded for the last three months. August 26th. The day Ezra shoulda woulda coulda be going back to public school to start 3rd grade. I expected this day to hit me hard with panic: like HOLY CRAP WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!?! Instead, my heart is full of PEACE and EXCITEMENT and ALL THE HAPPY FEELS! We are doing this. We are really doing this!!!
This transformation – I don’t even really have a way to describe it. I can ONLY credit it to an AMAZING God who has blessed me with this opportunity and given me the desire (when I had absolutely NO desire to homeschool), the strength, and the resources to accomplish this. I’m not this homeschooling, chore-doing, love-spending-time-with-my-kiddos person. I’m not. But He is bigger than my inadequacies and is renewing my heart day by day for this role.
Maybe you have looked up to people like Rachel Held Evans and Joshua Harris. I know that I did. Maybe their deconstruction stories have shaken your faith. Maybe you wonder if faith deconstruction is for you. Maybe you are ready to walk away from it all. It’s tempting to take a hacksaw to your faith, dump the remains in the yard waste cart, and wipe your hands of it all as the city utility workers haul it all away. But I urge you: build a compost pile. Stay. Please stay. Because the tree grows on the fallen forest. If it died, it can live again.
I’m officially reviving our former “Beauty in the Mess” Blog Series, a series where I count God’s blessing in my life and the gifts He has given me – sharing both the messy AND the beautiful! Because our primary focus as a family right now is homeschooling our eldest, I will share a few snippets here and there of some of our good homeschooling moments (and maybe a few of our messy ones, too!).
This morning, I walked into Ezra’s school and informed his principal we will be homeschooling next year.
Talk about one of the most terrifying moments of my life…
I could sit here and write 2000+ words about the steps that rapidly led up to this decision, the multitude of reasons as to why we feel like homeschooling is the best choice, the curriculum we are looking at, and the plans that we have. But none of that really matters, nor is it really anyone’s business.
That said, I feel that what I MUST chronicle is the transformation that has taken place in my heart and mind over the last week that I can only attribute to a miraculous act of God.
I was blessed to receive a review copy of the book Beyond the Diagnosis: The Path to Thriving as a Special Needs Parent by Amy Mattson. Amy is a fellow special needs blogger whom I’ve known for quite some time via the internet, and I knew that her book would be a blessing. This book exceeded by expectations.
But isn’t that the point, really? Because you can brand a website, but you can’t brand your life. You can create a style sheet for your blog, but you can’t create a style sheet for your kids. They are gonna be who they are and do what they are going to do, regardless of the perfect plans you have for them. Because God knows what He’s doing way more than we do. And He’s making something beautiful out of our messy life. Beautiful…messy…motherhood…marriage…faith…life. It’s still messy. It’s still beautiful. Beautiful…in His time. That’s what it’s always been. That’s what it will always be.