Losin’ it!

I am not doing nearly as well as I had expected or hoped to during this deployment.

I feel like I am losing my sanity. Last night I washed a load of clothes, put them in the dryer, and as they were drying I realized that I had never put detergent in the washer. A few days ago I shampooed my hair twice in the matter of two minutes.

Every where I look around my house I see a mess. Toys, laundry, dirty dishes, groceries from Wednesday that I STILL haven’t put away (and today is Sunday), papers, bills, books…

I have gotten so run down and tired that I came down with strep throat and the beginnings of a double ear infection. Thankfully I caught it immediately and was able to get on medicine before it got too horrible.

Ezra cut another tooth…and he’s running a fever…again. So much for breastfed babies not getting sick. Most nights he still wakes up 1-3 times and only sleeps a total of about 8-9 hours. “THE BOOKS” tell me that that’s not enough, but I can’t convince Ezra of that no matter what I try.

It seems like I can’t catch a break. And the few times I do, BAM I get hit with something else.

Other military wives I know who are going through deployment seem to flourish…and some of them have 2, 3, 4 and even more kids than that. They can run marathons, save 80% on their grocery bills, make their own baby food, and keep up with their gardens. I on the other hand have only one child and am barely making it. I know we aren’t supposed to compare ourselves, but it’s very hard not to.

I feel like I am constantly complaining.I try very very hard not to, but it’s just this time I am going through. I feel like venting is one thing that helps me survive. If I can tell other people what I am going through, then I know they are there. They are listening. They are out there caring. They are praying for me. If I were to keep it all inside then I wouldn’t be being honest.

I am transparent. I am honest. I’m not coping that well…and while sometimes I am ashamed of this fact, I am finally learning that it’s okay. It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to not have it all together. It’s okay to want to run away and escape life. My hopes that if someone ever stumbles across this post who is struggling…that they can read this and know that they aren’t alone.

So yes….I’m losin’ it.

But I’m keepin’ it too.

Keepin’ faith in God. I know it is only because of Him that I haven’t gone completely insane already. Even though sometimes I don’t have the strength to pursue HIM, He never leaves my side. I can’t always see Him…and just when I think He has forgotten me, He steps out from the darkness and shines a bit of light onto my day.

Keepin’ my marriage strong. Communication is scanty but we do the best we can with what we are given. I thank God for such a wonderful husband. Even when I feel disconnected, I know that we are still together. We’ve made it through everything else, we’ll make it through this.

Keepin’ a love for my baby boy. Sometimes frustration comes between us. But just when I think I can’t handle one more minute as mommy, my cutie pie gives me a smile or a laugh to remind me that it’s all worth it.