“composing a beautiful existence that barely needs a savior”

Beautiful…in His time. It’s the name of this blog. “Finding God’s beauty in the messes of my life” is my tagline, my mantra.

But oh…just when I think that I’m good…that I’ve learned enough about His grace and laid down my masks and invited him into my messy life, I realize that there are so still many layers of pride and self-righteousness that need to be peeled away.

I started reading a book called Anything by Jennie Allen for an online Bible study that I’m doing with a friend. And I hit chapter two and bam I was convicted all over again.

Especially after last night’s self-revelation about the pride in my heart and how it has affected my blogging, I felt like I could have written this quote:

“…without God’s intervention, I am selfish and prideful every minute of every day. I care what others think because deep down I want to be seen as great–I want to matter.” 

I said yesterday that sometimes I desire fame and the spotlight far more than I care to admit. But, in reality, I think I could say it better by simply saying what Jennie said:

I want to matter. 

Jennie goes on to say this:

“I impress the world with passionate, visible morality while avoiding God altogether. There is something to humility that is costly…something resembling humiliation…an outright declaration of the wreck we are without God rather than composing a beautiful existence that barely needs a savior.” 

What a contrast! “The wreck we are without God” and “a beautiful existence that barely needs a savior.”

Right there in that moment of writing out this quote onto a page of a spiral-bound journal, I thought of my blog series, Beauty in the Mess. And I was so humbled and convicted, because, as much as I pride myself on transparency, so much of that series is me trying to compose a beautiful existence–all the while forgetting how much I desperately need my Savior.

Why?

Jennie give the answer:

“It physically hurts to see our pride, to see our sin, to quit playing good, to feel broken and to need God. And it hurts even more to let others see it.”

It’s really hard to admit that your life is a total wreck.

And mine is.

I can hear you wondering now… So, what’s going on? What’s she hiding? What’s she going through?

And I could tell you.

I could tell you about the times I yell at my son because I just want him to go away and leave me alone. I could tell you about the times I fight with my husband just because he’s trying to help me and I sure as heck don’t want to admit I’m ever wrong. I could tell you about the fractures that have occurred in some very important relationships in my life and the heartache that I have both caused and endured. I could tell you about the times I get angry at God for all we went through when we were in the Army. I could tell you about about how I struggle with impatience at having to wait for another baby. I could tell you about the fear of the future and our finances that plagues me.

I could fill post after post about all my ugly. 

(And maybe, in time, I will.)

Or I could just tell you that I’m a sinner in desperate need of God’s grace and mercy – every. single. moment. 

Jennie Allen says this:

“There is something so beautiful about people aware of their sin and their need for God.”

I hope that I can set aside the beauty I try to portray on this website, that “beautiful existence that barely needs a savior” and show you more of the beauty that radiates from a person who is desperately aware of her sin and her need for God.

Because I want to be that kind of beautiful.