A deep and broken love…a star is born. Not the star of a woman thrust into fame, but the star of sacrificial love that burned bright because a woman gave herself away by loving in the deep end. I want to love like that.
This is the moment everything up til this moment formed into this realization of healing. Because not once during the last few days had I been triggered. Not one hymn. Not one shudder induced by a smell or a sight. No anger. No pain. No regret. Just genuine gratitude and bittersweet joy for my family, for my grandma’s prayers, for the good old hymns, for each and every last memory.
This transformation – I don’t even really have a way to describe it. I can ONLY credit it to an AMAZING God who has blessed me with this opportunity and given me the desire (when I had absolutely NO desire to homeschool), the strength, and the resources to accomplish this. I’m not this homeschooling, chore-doing, love-spending-time-with-my-kiddos person. I’m not. But He is bigger than my inadequacies and is renewing my heart day by day for this role.
Maybe you have looked up to people like Rachel Held Evans and Joshua Harris. I know that I did. Maybe their deconstruction stories have shaken your faith. Maybe you wonder if faith deconstruction is for you. Maybe you are ready to walk away from it all. It’s tempting to take a hacksaw to your faith, dump the remains in the yard waste cart, and wipe your hands of it all as the city utility workers haul it all away. But I urge you: build a compost pile. Stay. Please stay. Because the tree grows on the fallen forest. If it died, it can live again.
This morning, I walked into Ezra’s school and informed his principal we will be homeschooling next year.
Talk about one of the most terrifying moments of my life…
I could sit here and write 2000+ words about the steps that rapidly led up to this decision, the multitude of reasons as to why we feel like homeschooling is the best choice, the curriculum we are looking at, and the plans that we have. But none of that really matters, nor is it really anyone’s business.
That said, I feel that what I MUST chronicle is the transformation that has taken place in my heart and mind over the last week that I can only attribute to a miraculous act of God.
But isn’t that the point, really? Because you can brand a website, but you can’t brand your life. You can create a style sheet for your blog, but you can’t create a style sheet for your kids. They are gonna be who they are and do what they are going to do, regardless of the perfect plans you have for them. Because God knows what He’s doing way more than we do. And He’s making something beautiful out of our messy life. Beautiful…messy…motherhood…marriage…faith…life. It’s still messy. It’s still beautiful. Beautiful…in His time. That’s what it’s always been. That’s what it will always be.
It’s 4:38 a.m. and I’m awoken by a child who needs his nightlight fixed…and a snack. When I crawl back into bed a few moments later, I breathe a sigh and lay my leg to rest across the back of my husband’s calf. He sleeps on his stomach, yet even in his sleep, we somehow … [Read more…]
I spent almost the entire day yesterday on Indeed.com. I spent the last three hours of the day looking at disability grants and scholarships. My eyes are blurry, my head aches, and I’m really not any closer to answers. The short story is that our family is in a bit of a money crisis. But … [Read more…]
Structuring my life and health AROUND my hormonal cycle is the only way I succeed at anything. I think I will always struggle with fatigue, anxiety, depression, weight management, and digestive issues. This doesn’t mean there’s necessarily something “wrong” with me. It’s a combination of genetics and my overly-stressful life. Sometimes, playing the cards you’ve been dealt is better than trying to find new ones. Being the best me I can be within my health limitations has done more for me than trying to pathologize and fix my limitations ever did.
A week ago we sat on the counselor’s couch. I was perturbed because even after declaring to my husband, “We’re here for you,” somehow the conversation kept coming around to me and my issues with perfectionism. *sigh* I say, “I just don’t know why God made me this way.” I’ve made significant strides in combating … [Read more…]