He’s gonna have all of me {an anniversary post}

“I don’t feel ready…I’m so scared of getting in over my head…I’m just really scared.”

This past week, I found these words written in a prayer journal I had forgotten about that has sat on my bookshelf for years. They were written a mere seven months before I got married.

Our dating relationship was very tumultuous. We are just two so totally different people. We fought a lot and misunderstood each other constantly. He wasn’t adjusting well to the Army, even in his first few months in, and I could just sense that our marriage would not be an easy one.

Life did not disappoint.

I was looking through wedding photos in search of something to change my Facebook profile picture to this week. I came across this picture and it just poignantly overwhelmed me.

Our marriage is about so much more than this. But this moment you see here happens a lot.

This picture was taken before two deployments changed our lives forever, but the Army was already well on its way to destroying my man.

(He had almost missed attending his own wedding because an NCO who didn’t like him wanted to punish him.)

I wish I could explain what it’s like to watch the person you love the most be emotionally abused over and over and over by people who delighted in his pain, just because they could, (all while he was already dealing with the reality that he could die at any moment).

I wish I could explain what it’s like to be the one who has to pick up those broken pieces every day.

I’m sorry folks. I’ve been blogging about marriage a lot lately and I feel like it’s all been negative. It’s not been my intention. Marriage, our marriage – it’s good and it’s beautiful and it’s amazing; but it’s still hard and overwhelming too. And sometimes that makes me feel like a social misfit because most people I know don’t talk about marriage being hard.

Today is my 6th anniversary and as trite as it sounds, there really are no words to express how deep my love for my husband goes.

In those six years…

I’ve realized that you never really are ready to be married – to give of yourself daily to another person. 

I’ve realized that everyone who is married is in over their heads because God made marriage to point people to how much they need Him.

I’ve realized that you never really stop being scared of marriage because you have to trust God to hold it together when life keeps throwing crap at you and you are just holding on to each other for the ride.

I was in the car the other day and this song came on the radio. And I just sat there and cried. Because THIS. This is what marriage is:

Afraid to love, something that could break,
Could I move on, if you were torn away?
I’m so close to what I can’t control
I can’t give you half my heart, and pray He makes you whole

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms
I won’t let pain keep you from my heart
I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose, for every moment I’ll share with you

You’re gonna have all of me, you’re gonna have all of me,
Cuz you’re worth every falling tear, you’re worth facing any fear
You’re gonna know all my love, even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, but giving you all of me is where I’ll start.

Heaven brought you to this moment, it’s too wonderful to speak
You’re worth all of me, you’re worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You’re worth all of me, you’re worth all of me

You’re gonna have all of me, you’re gonna have all of me,
Cuz you’re worth every falling tear, you’re worth facing any fear
You’re gonna know all my love, even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, but giving you all of me is where I’ll start.

Maybe it shouldn’t be this hard. Maybe you are reading this and you have one of those marriages where you never fight and life is good and you really can’t fathom why I feel like marriage is so hard. I suppose that’s okay. Just know that for some people, it’s not that easy.

So today, while my husband is working through lunch so he can come home an hour early, I’m going to bust my rear end trying to clean our apartment. I’m going to bake our anniversary cake. I’m going to do everything in my power to make it so we can have a nice quiet evening together.

And when he comes home, I’m going to hug him and kiss him and listen to him and care for him.

I’m gonna give him all of me.

Because he’s worth it. And he always will be.