Public disclaimer: this post is written on very little sleep by a first-trimester pregnant mother who also happens to be the mom of a 4-year-old who has woken up every night in the middle of the night for the last 10 nights and has been up before 5:40AM for the last two mornings. You have been warned.
1. Tell you child that his floor is lava and that if he stays in bed quietly and keeps his feet out of the lava, he will get a marshmallow for breakfast. (Try not to feel guilty when 5 days later he has a nightmare about rumbling volcanoes.)
2. Eat marshmallows for breakfast yourself. Because you deserve it.
3. Break the no-Netflix-before-school rule so you can catch a break.
4. Try not to punch people in the face when they suggest essential oils.
5. Speaking of punching people in the face when you have a child that won’t sleep, read this.
6. Commiserate with a friend whose child won’t sleep either.
7. Drink lots of coffee. Coca Cola at 3PM won’t hurt either, especially if you also happen to be on day two of a massive headache.
8. Try bringing the kid into your bed so you can get extra rest at 4:55AM. Tell him to be quiet and still. This won’t work, but I’m suggesting it anyway.
9. Cry when you drop your kid off at school/therapy. It will get you sympathy hugs from the teachers/therapists, and they will tell you things like, “It’s okay. He’ll be okay here. You’re in the first trimester still. Go home and take a nap.”
10. Take a nap if you have the luxury. Make sure to tell your husband ahead of time that you are going to be napping so he won’t text you an hour later. Try not to get mad at him when he texts you an hour later anyway.
11. Go to bed early. Or put off going to bed because you know you are just going to have to wake up at 2am anyway. Bonus points if you find yourself sharing Minion Memes at 10:24PM about how awful your sleepless week has been.