Sweet Silver Lining

I know I haven’t blogged much recently…I haven’t felt much like it. If you have been keeping up with my Facebook posts, you know that the past two months have been difficult on me.

Quite honestly, I am burned out. I’m burned out on deployment. We are 4 1/2 months in, with a good 4 months left until RnR. Four months until we get to be a family again.

Honestly I am just tired of it all. I’m tired of juggling all of the responsibilities on my own. I’m tired of waiting for the phone to ring and checking my email every hour. I’m tired of once a month Skype dates instead of weekly date nights. I’m tired of doing all of the dishes without my partner. I’m tired of my soul mate being on the other side of the world.

I’m tired of always having to be the one waking up in the middle of the night with the baby. I’m tired of Ezra knowing more about his uncle and his grandparents than his own daddy. I’m tired of listening to a little boy say Dada all day long and knowing that he doesn’t have a clue what it means. I’m tired of sleepless nights and trying to be the sole feeder, comforter, nurser, and entertainer of the Little Man.

Ezra just came through a two-week virus on top of cutting four teeth in four weeks…needless to say we weren’t sleeping much. We are just now getting back to normal.

Tears have been flowing more readily these days, my temper is hotter, my patience shorter…Yesterday, I really imagined running away for a week just to be by myself.

Yet through it all I say “God is still good!” Almost daily he reminds me that He still cares…

I had no sooner got done writing my post on April Showers when God sent the perfect person into my life for me to talk to. I was able to dump out my frustrations onto someone who not only cared, but someone who could really and truly make a difference, not just for me but for other military wives. Almost daily since then I have been getting cards, letters, and gifts in the mail, along with Facebook messages, wall posts, and text messages reminding me that I am not alone and that people have been praying for me.

I’ve made some changes recently. I’m doing things to give myself a little break from Ezra, and him from me. Getting him registered for on-post childcare, leaving him in the nursery more, letting him play (or cry) in the other room while I get some rest or housework done. I might parent differently if Russ were home, but for now my survival skills are kicking in. I know when I reach a point where I need a break or it won’t be pretty, and I’m learning how and when to give myself those breaks.

I am making it.

I’m going home
Downhearted and hoping
I’m close to some new beginning
I know
There’s a reason for everything
That comes and goes

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I’m just surviving
I may be weak but I’m never defeated
And I’ll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining

Most days
I try my best to put on a brave face
But inside
My bones are cold and my heart breaks
But all the while
Something is keeping me safe
And alive

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I’m just surviving
I may be weak but I’m never defeated
And I’ll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining

I wont give up like this
I will be given strength
And now that I’ve found it
Nothing can take that away

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I’m just surviving
I may be weak but I’m never defeated
And I’ll keep believing

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I’m just surviving
I may be weak but I’m never defeated
And I’ll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining