Choosing joy when the Christmas spirit is broken
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Of all the ornaments that my son could have broken, it was this one. This one got thrown against the wall. This one shattered.
I found it ironic really. This ornament has hung on my tree for the past few years, through two combat deployments.
And now…it’s broken. This year marks the last Christmas my husband will spend as an active duty soldier. He’s breaking ties with all we have known for the last six years.
And this broken ornament seems to symbolize it all. My pride has been broken. Broken pride. Broken faith that living this military life was the best thing for our family. Broken spirits.
We are so weary. He has been home for 11 months, and yet the struggles of my husband’s time in the Army are things that still haunt us, day in and day out.
My husband has been unhappy for the last six years. His spirit has been broken over and over and over by people who felt like it was their calling in life to do so. And now we are left trying to scramble those pieces up with bleeding hands and try to piece them back together. Because the man I live with now is so far different from the man I met ten years ago.
That man could laugh, joke, and tease with abandon. Handle daily burdens and stress with far more ease. Now, his broken spirit struggles to find enjoyment in anything. His resilience has shattered. His sense of control and his manhood completely battered by six years of being told that he is worthless.
I am angry. I am proud of him and all he has done for this country, but I am so angry. Angry at the people who have mentally abused him…just because they could. Angry that now I’m the one who has to try to help him overcome these feelings of total inadequacy–this paralyzing fear that he is useless and cannot succeed at anything.
Broken.
I decorated our Christmas tree alone. Tears filled my eyes as I overheard my husband and son in the bedroom…just struggling. Ezra didn’t want to get dressed…Russ was nearly in tears begging him to cooperate. Please Ezra, PLEASE!!! A strong man, nearly reduced to tears by the simplest task. My instinct was to try to intervene, to help somehow. But instead, I tried to block it out as I let icicles fall from my fingertips to grace the Christmas tree. I just wanted to enjoy this moment that has been one of the highlights of the Christmas season since my childhood. Amy Grant crooned in the background…
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
It’s a little late for that…
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
Yes Lord…we need healing. He doesn’t have very many friends. Is a friend too much to ask you for?
And right would always win
And love would never end
Well heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul
What can be done when the “Christmas Spirit” is broken? When even the simplest of holiday gatherings brings such stress that my husband cannot function as he should? When tear-filled fights and then makeup cuddles have become the norm? So much so that even extended family have come to expect it from us?
God what can I do? How do I hold this family together for the rest of the holiday season? How can I minimize the fights? The stress?
And He answers me with an ornament that I almost didn’t put on the tree.
That one?!?!! Oh really God? Have you peeked in my windows at all over the past few days?
And still He answers:
And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice,
and your joy no man taketh from you.
(John 16:22)
No man? No stressed-out husband? No cranky hard-to-handle two year old? No anxiety attacks? Jesus, that’s so much easier said than done!
Yes, my child. No man can take your joy unless you let him. It’s your choice. I know your pain. I know it’s hard. But you can have joy–you can hold tight to it so no man can take it from you.
And so there I stood. And I let the icicles fall from my fingertips to rest on the branches of my beautiful Christmas tree and the ornaments that I had so enjoyed making. And in that moment, I chose to let go of the stress, ignore the tears and whines from the bedroom, and choose joy. I wasn’t going to let them (as much as I love them), take this joyful moment from me.
And so, I will smile this Christmas season. I will smile and enjoy my family, regardless of the stress I feel rise within me at every toddler’s scream or husband’s frustrated sigh.
I will cuddle with my husband and watch cheesy romantic Christmas movies on Netflix and remember happier days from the past. I will cuddle with Ezra and watch Thomas Christmas episodes and Rudolph over and over and over.
I will take a bazillion pictures and try to capture every moment of this Christmas, stress and all.
I choose joy.
I will bake cookies. I will splurge on Christmas presents and wrap them in special Thomas the Tank Engine wrapping paper. I will hang up an advent calendar filled with 12 (cheap) gifts of Christmas for my son, and giggle with him as he opens each one.
I will hold my husband’s hand willingly and kiss him without holding back. I will hold him close and try to love his hurts away. I will try to give him the benefit of the doubt and not fight with him when he angers me. Because I know he’s trying. And it’s Christmas.
I choose joy.
And I will dream about and hope for future Christmases when joy is less of a choice.
35 Comments
Janine Huldie
Aprille, beautiful post and can only imagine what your husband did go through and how it effected your family. Sounds like you choosing Joy is a real start in the right direction and wishing you the happiest of holiday seasons leading up to Christmas now!!
Aprille
Thank you Janine. One day at a time.
Linz
Aprille… *hugs* and prayers for you!
Aprille
Thank you. I’m so glad you found me! I’ve been looking for your site, but I couldn’t remember the link! Headed there now!
Aprille
FYI…Your “subscribe by email” option isn’t working on your site.
C Michelle Ramsey
Aprille my prayers for healing & joy are with you & your family. May God keep & bless you this holiday season. Beautiful & touching post.
Aprille
Thank you so much for stopping by, for your comment, and for your prayers. They are all much appreciated.
Amy
My heart aches. 🙁 My husband hasn’t quite had the same experience as yours with the army, and three years in, we’re still deployment free (and we’re guard). But I overhear the same struggles of him communicating with our son. It’s so hard for them! In the military, they are so used to following every order, no matter what that it’s really hard (and it’s insulting) when our children don’t follow the commands. It’s hard to exist in two worlds– fatherhood and soldier! And we’re so lucky that my hubby’s new civilian career works well with his army duty, but not all of the past have been so easy to deal. Our soldiers sacrifice so much more fo our country than many will ever realize. I’m so glad to stand behind and support mine though! And thank goodness for Joy to make it though the tough times!
Aprille
Amy, first of all, thanks for taking the time to read and leave a comment. Secondly, I love the name of your blog, just sayin.
I think that every military experience is hard, no matter if it’s guard or reserve, deployed or not. It’s just a hard system to exist within, especially for families. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone in the whole soldier-communicating-with-the-kids thing. I never really thought about it that way. We so want our kids to “behave” and “be obedient” and sometimes I just want to stop my husband and say “Seriously, he’s only TWO YEARS OLD!!” but I know that discipline is important. And with this being our first child, it’s hard to find that balance between Godly discipline and child rearing and just letting kids be kids. I’m sure we are both making mistakes right and left…but God can make beauty out of our messes for sure.
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Leah@Embracingrace.com
(((Hugs Aprille))) We’ve been there, for different reasons. Our first Christmas married we spent in the hospital…and New Year’s too. Dreams were shattered. Tree died. I’m posting about it this month, but just wanted to say that you’re not alone. Thankfully, Christmas is in our hearts, not in our surroundings. Do the best you can to let it spill out of your heart into the family, and the joy will come- in ways that you never expect. Love you, friend!!
Aprille
I can’t wait to read your story. You would think that after two Christmases while he was deployed I would be used to a little hardship, but in someways it’s harder with him home. When he’s gone you just have to force him out of your mind and enjoy it, and as that become default during a deployment (a learned skill, but I learned it well), then I was still able to really enjoy the holidays. With him home, sitting next to me…I can’t just forget he’s there or not feel his anxiety, fears, and struggles. We are one, and the last 11 months has made that all the more real. So when he hurts, I hurt, and it’s hard to push those hurts aside, even for Christmas.
peaofsweetness
Aprille, although our experiences with the military have been different there is definitely a lot I can relate to in this post. I also needed that message of choosing Joy, so thank-you for sharing your heart. It is so true. I’m praying your family has a blessed Christmas filled with the peace and joy only God can give!
Aprille
Thank you for your sweet comment. I hope the same for your family as well!
Teressa Mackey
Wow beautiful post. Praying for your family, those who choose joy receive JOY! Praise God for allowing us to experience his true Joy!
Aprille
Thank you for your prayers.
kathrynann24
Don’t know what to say except this is one of the most beautiful and most heart-breaking things I have ever read from you. Praying for your family.
Aprille
Thank you for your prayers…and sharing.
Sara
Wow…just sitting here with tears on my cheeks. I know the ache you feel when you are desperate for healing, for those you love. There are so many around me right now who need healing too. Russ needs a special kind of soul healing, so it is different than physical healing. Yet, in a way, it’s the same. I, also, am choosing joy. It is a daily struggle to wake up and choose to surrender to God and let Him give me opportunities to find joy…sometimes I just want to lie in bed and be depressed instead. But that’s the easy way out. I know there is so much more than what we can see in the here and now. God is going to get ya’ll through this, and you guys will be able to move forward. I love you and your whole family. And I’m especially praying for your man. <3
Aprille
Thank you so much for such a sweet comment, your depth of understanding, and your prayers.
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The Busy Bee's
Great post.
Thanks for sharing at the Adorned From Above Blog Hop.
Adorned From Above,
Debi.
The Busy Bee’s,
Myrna and Joye.
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Debi @ Adorned From Above
April,
I’m Debi from Adorned From Above. I have been reading your posts that you shared with my blog hop last week. I am so touched by your candor and honesty. My son just got of the marines in June after 2 tours in Afghanistan. There are no words of sympathy that would be enough to help you, but I can tell you that I understand. My son came home alive, but has severe PTSD and needs surgery on his knees, shoulder, and hand.
I am so grateful that you have enough faith in God to celebrate this Christmas. That for a short time you are able to turn your troubles over to him. He is a really big God and he will help all of you heal.
If you ever need anything, or even just to talk, I am here for you.
All of you are in my prayers.
Merry Christmas.
Debi @ Adorned From Above
Aprille
Thank you for your compliments of my blogging and your offer to chat. It’s nice to know I have another friend out there in cyberspace who knows what I am going through.
I’m sorry that your son came back so wounded. Please, if you haven’t yet, check out this website Voice of Warriors…perhaps they could be a resource for you and your son.
Merry Christmas.
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ScaredMomma
I adore this post…so heartfelt, so raw, so…completely real. I’ll be praying for your family. Praying the joy will outweigh the burdens and you will all heal. I’ve found that those who have struggled are the best at ministering to others. So just you wait and see what God does ;). Our thanks to your husband for serving in such a hard role for the rest of us, and thank YOU, for staying by his side.
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