ADHD Hack: the only four rules we have for our ADHD child
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As part of our Special Needs Survival series, I am going to be honing in on one of my son’s diagnoses: ADHD. Ezra was diagnosed almost 2 1/2 years ago now. We have undergone hours upon hours of behavioral therapy, and I want to share THE BEST tips we have learned along the way. Today, I’m going to share about the FOUR RULES we have for Ezra.
How to set your behavioral rules:
- Be short and sweet. Children with ADHD struggle with focus. Avoid “verbal flooding.” The less you give them to focus on, the better.
- Repetition is huge. Scaffolding and verbal prompts to HELP them remember and focus on their rules is key. Pick phrases that are short enough you can repeat in a split second to bring your child quickly back to a place of positive behavior. Then repeat them, ad nauseum.
- Be specific enough so that expectations are clear, but general enough that everything is covered. 10 rules is too many. Five rules might even be too many. That is why we have focused in on FOUR things we can do to help our child succeed. Every negative behavior that we deal with (other than lying, which we haven’t really encountered too much) is covered by our four rules.
Our FOUR Rules
Rule #1: Be Kind.
This covers both kind speech and kind actions. We use this rule to cover mouthing off, arguing, sharing, and aggressive behaviors.
Rule #2: Use Words. (From your mouth!) (In English!)
This rule covers how Ezra deals with frustration, as well as communicating his feelings, wants, and needs. If he wants us to do something for him, he has to use his words. If he wants attention, he has to use his words. If he’s upset at something, he has to use his words. If he’s explosively angry, he can tell us by using his words. This helps us work with him to not grunt, yell, or scream. It also helps us remind him to not bash or hit when he wants attention. It helps him with boundaries – so when he piles on my lap WHILE THE COMPUTER IS ON IT because he wants a hug, I set him down and say, “Use your words if you want something.”
(We had to add the “from your mouth” part, because he was trying to get around the rules by saying things in his head. And now that he speaks “1,000 languages,” we have also had to add in the “in English” caveat, because we just don’t know what no-ne-ne-no-no really means.)
Rule #3: Follow Instructions.
This covers obedience. This covers activities of daily living (getting dressed, brushing teeth, etc). This covers responding to authorities outside of the home (such as teacher or childcare workers).
Rule #4: Always Try
We added this rule most recently. Children with ADHD have very low frustration tolerance. Thus, when trying new things, they get very easily overwhelmed and may even have an outburst, or give up completely. Ezra has a perfectionistic streak where if he doesn’t think he will succeed at something, he might not even try. This newest rule is our way of telling him, “It’s okay if you can’t do it well, or can’t do it at all. But it’s not okay to not try.”
This also has helped us in adding new food to his diet. We are constantly putting new foods in front of him with the rule, “Always try.” He doesn’t have to eat all of it. He doesn’t have to like it. But he has to try.
More tips for using rules
- Repeat, repeat, repeat. Once you have your rules narrowed down, EVERY TIME you correct a negative behavior, use the rule to tie it all together.
- Display. If you have a reader, write them down and tape them to the wall. If you don’t have a reader, make a visual rule list with pictures to go along with each rule. This gives them a visual reminder of the rule as well as verbal reminders.
- Prompt him on the rules before outings or before being left at school or other childcare. We normally repeat the rules at dropoff everywhere we go, especially the YMCA where childcare workers and peers are more in flux. Example: “Ezra, make sure to be kind, use your words, follow instructions, and always try. If you get upset, use your words and tell a teacher, or find a quiet corner to help you calm down.”
That’s really how we handle much of the behavior problems with face related to ADHD within the home. It isn’t an overnight fix-all solution. But it will aid you as the parent in being consistent in dealing with your child.
22 Comments
Keriann Collmann
Do you have any additional resources surrounding the “always try” rule? I am finding this is applying to my ADHD son more and more, where he’s afraid to try/afraid to fail.
Aprille
Just a lot of talking about how it’s ok to fail, ok to mess up. A lot of modeling (talking about your own failures). With food, OT has helped. Modeling too with mommy eating / trying foods she doesn’t like.
Rewards for trying.
First/then. First you try. If you can’t figure it out / do it , etc, then I’ll do it for/with you. (We are still dealing with him refusing to tie his shoes and this is the tactic we use).
The Daniel tiger episode with the song “keep trying, you’ll get better.”
There’s a song on Pandora about trying / practicing. I’ll try to find it tomorrow and post it here.
vanessadean132
We added to this, be safe. I always think that it’s a good goal to instill safety, we are all safety officers. Teach them this while they are young! You gave us the start of the four rules, and for that I’m greatful.
Aprille
That is a GREAT addition. We’ve added a 5th rule too – Stop. Think. Do.
With these kiddos, you always have to keep adapting!
Jen Driggers
These are great! What about consequences if a rule isn’t followed?
Aprille
I’ll be honest: consequences is a big struggle for us as parents.
1) It seems like no matter how many times we give consequences for offenses, the next day he will do the exact same thing. This is truly an issue of impulse control and emotional regulation problems.
2) Often, “consequences” punish the parents more than the child. Such as no screen time or taking away other “fun” activities.
We use a color clip-chart system, which I explain in detail here: https://www.facebook.com/specialneedssurvival/videos/1768995683321070/
I also talk about cognitive behavioral therapy techniques we are using here: https://www.facebook.com/specialneedssurvival/videos/1802309059989732/
and here: https://www.facebook.com/specialneedssurvival/videos/1802337943320177/
The big thing is not that he doesn’t know the rules and expected behavior (he can recite these rules by heart), or even that he doesn’t know positive alternatives and coping skills for negative behavior (we’ve practiced, role played, and gone over them a million of times). But rather than, in the moment, his ability to regulate his emotions, stop and think about what he needs to do…it all happens so fast that it’s not until after the fact that he’s able to process what happened and how he should have behaved.
I promise, if I ever come up with a good solution about how to “fix” this aspect of ADHD/ODD, I’ll let everyone know. It’s exhausting, overwhelming, and very discouraging.
Paula McLoughlin
My son is 9. I’ve tried all the charts and behavior systems. Some work some of the time. What I’ve come to realize is that often his behavior problem is really an expectation problem on my part. Not that I don’t have high expectations for him. I push him pretty hard in the areas that I know he can do better. But in the areas where he struggles, more often than not it’s my attitude and behavior that needs to change. For example, my son gets distracted in the simplest things. He will regularly set off to do something I tell him to do and get side tracked. I want to discipline him for not following through on the task because of my desire for him to be past this stage. That is the real issue. When I accept that this is still something he struggles with, then I am able to see his need for me to coach and redirect to help him finish what he started with success. I am trying to see my role as coach in those areas as very unique from my role as parent who still needs to address the actual obedience issues that need consequences: failing to obey right away, using inappropriate language, throwing or kicking instead of choosing better ways to express his frustration, disrespectful attitude, etc. When I make that distinction and see his needs and my roles clearly defined in relation to those needs I realize that while I get impatient with his needs sometimes (yes I’m human) my kid is actually a really good kid who really is obedient most of the time. My perspective and attitude changes and he of course picks up on it and off we go into a much better, healthier upward spiral of relating than the more traditional one where he is punished for he gets consequences for his deficits.
Aprille
Paula, this is SO good. I feel like we are headed in this direction, but it’s still a daily struggle to sort out – what is behavioral problem that needs disciplined, what is something that I’m expecting him to do that he may simply not have the ability to do it without couching? I’m getting a better handle on it the older he gets (he’s 7 now), and we are having him evaluated for high-functioning autism. I’ve been adamant that he does NOT have autism, but now that he’s 7 and professionals are noting he’s still struggling with a lot of basic things, we are thinking that it may simply be a struggle of capability rather than willfulness. I think for me, even seeing autism as a possibility has softened / adjusted my expectations of him and allowed me to be more flexible. I hope that 2 years from now, I’ll be in the place you are!
Jill Natale
My son tends to yell and argue a lot! What do you do when you say the rule and you get an eye roll or “blah, blah, blah”? I want to stick to a routine but I know consequences have to be enforced to get them to stick.
Aprille
Copying this from another comment I replied to that asked about consequences:
I’ll be honest: consequences is a big struggle for us as parents.
1) It seems like no matter how many times we give consequences for offenses, the next day he will do the exact same thing. This is truly an issue of impulse control and emotional regulation problems.
2) Often, “consequences” punish the parents more than the child. Such as no screen time or taking away other “fun” activities.
We use a color clip-chart system, which I explain in detail here: https://www.facebook.com/specialneedssurvival/videos/1768995683321070/
I also talk about cognitive behavioral therapy techniques we are using here: https://www.facebook.com/specialneedssurvival/videos/1802309059989732/
and here: https://www.facebook.com/specialneedssurvival/videos/1802337943320177/
The big thing is not that he doesn’t know the rules and expected behavior (he can recite these rules by heart), or even that he doesn’t know positive alternatives and coping skills for negative behavior (we’ve practiced, role played, and gone over them a million of times). But rather than, in the moment, his ability to regulate his emotions, stop and think about what he needs to do…it all happens so fast that it’s not until after the fact that he’s able to process what happened and how he should have behaved.
I promise, if I ever come up with a good solution about how to “fix” this aspect of ADHD/ODD, I’ll let everyone know. It’s exhausting, overwhelming, and very discouraging.
mytw5
I really like this concept AND the rules you laid out. We are ADHD household, with my youngest having several tag-a-long disorders like OCD, SPD, and anxiety. These would be really helpful for us. I also had to giggle at Ezra’s attempts to get around the Use Your Words rules and the subsequent amendments. I can see my youngest trying the exact same tactics! We are going to try these!
Aprille
I hope it helps! I think with ADHD kiddos (or kids with OCD, SPD, Anxiety), parenting techniques are ALWAYS in flux. So many of our babies are highly intelligent and can figure out workarounds for just about anything! While our rules have remained consistent (my husband wants to re-write this post to explain things better), but our ways of enforcing them (consequences, rewards, etc.) change from week to week – sometimes from day to day. I think that’s one of the things that makes parenting special needs kiddos SO overwhelming and exhausting, don’t you?
Gina Gardner
This is a really great article. I realized I’m already implementing these four rules with my twin sons (yes, both have ADHD), but maybe I’m not making it “short and sweet” enough so they can wrap their brains around it more easily. Thanks for pointing that out to me. You’re obviously a great mommy. Keep up the good work. God bless!
Aprille
How old are your sons? I struggle with keeping things short and sweet as well. Never ending battle sometimes!
Tiffini
My son Ezra also has adhd! It was like I was reading about him, name and all!! He’s 7.
Aprille
Our Ezra is 7 now too!!
Lupix
I have an ADHD boy 6 years old. I tried giving him a gluten free, milk free diet an it has worked incredibly. We didn’t get rid of all the behavioral issues, but there’s a great difference and he has much more control of himself. I just wanted to share this with you.
Aprille
Thanks, we have not found this to really help him at all, although dairy does impact his bowel habits which affects his behavior. So, we do have to limit dairy and that has been helpful.
Shealyn Hammers
I just found this and I’m sorry if you’ve already answered this question, but do you have ideas for pictures to go along with these rules? I love this idea and I think it will really help my kids. I also think it will help my husband and I to be consistent between us since we both have very different parenting styles. Neither of my kids can read, though, so I will need to put pictures up with the rules and I am having a bear of a time trying to find ones that work well!
Aprille
Google images? Also pixabay.com you can normally search for photos there!
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Toyn
Have you tried CBD oil? Many parents are experiencing breakthrough with ADHD. Thank you for the information.