My worth and my unworthiness (Lessons from SING! Part 2)

The Sing Conference is starting to fade into the background of things that happened last year, as six months have passed and we are well into 2025. Yet, some of the very life things that have kept me so busy of late are the very things I planned to write about here. So, this post is apropos to where I am…right now.

Before I get back to writing about what happened at the Sing Conference, I have to explain a few things to my friends, family, and readers…as a preface to the very vulnerable things I plan to write here.

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At the beginning of 2021, I became our church’s main pianist. This is a role I took on with my husband’s support and blessing, and a role I took on with humility, gratitude, and joy. Those emotions have only deepened in the last three years.

This role is one that gives me immense personal and spiritual fulfillment, emotional satisfaction, close friendships, and a sense of identity. And yet, I feel selfish to write those things because it is a ministry, one that I offer as a gift to God (the audience of ONE Who alone is deserving of all my praise and talents) and as a gift to my local church, my brothers and sisters in Christ.

As this role has gotten more involved, there is a juxtaposition of feelings I struggle to sort through on a regular basis. This post is my attempt to work through some of those things.

Musical Responsibilities

My primary responsibility as pianist is to play the piano for morning services 3-4 weeks per month. I also play special evening events like Lord’s Table and holiday celebrations several times a year. This involves weekly practice, monthly rehearsals, and often learning new music to be introduced to our church. Occassionally, I will also play the piano for other services such as funerals, memorials, and weddings.

Secondarily, my role has also expanded into arranging, composing, alterations, and music notation projects. To include…

-Creating (and sometimes notating) musical transitions from one song to another: Our music director is very intentional about the songs we sing and when we sing them – trying to fit the music with the themes in the sermon, as well as having a logical flow. We use music to do that, by transitioning from one song to another throughout the service, either directly (with songs in the same key), or with modulations (key changes). Usually, I just plan these ahead of time and play them from memory, but I occassionally need to notate them if they are more involved modulations.

-Transposing music: Our music director and lead vocalist is an alto who believes that songs should be in a good range to be sung by the entire congregation. Many songs are written too high for people to sing comfortably, so we put them in lower keys. I have an app called PlayScore that allows me to convert any music PDF file into a MusicXML format that I can then put into Finale. Not everything converts accurately, so I usually have to go in and clean up the score (adding lyrics, fixing barlines, adding missing notes, etc.) before then transposing the music. (Thankfully that part is just a few clicks of a button!) Then, I will try to edit the existing chord chart and lead sheet for our other instrumentalists using Adobe, Word, or Canva.

-“Musical surgery”: We use choral or vocal scores with written accompaniments for the majority of our congregational singing. This helps with standardization (so both the musical team and the congregation have consistency in how the songs are sung each time). But, we often adapt the scores to fit the needs of our congregation. Common things we do are eliminate bridges, repeat choruses, and add tags. Usually, pencil marks on our scores are sufficient to meet the need. But sometimes, the alterations become more involved, leaving our musicians having to do quite a bit of flipping back and forth while performing, which can be distracting and risky. Putting the score into music notation software and cutting / copying / pasting / deleting / adding and creating a score that reflects exactly how we sing the song can be incredibly helpful for us musicians, leading to better flow, performance, and fewer mistakes.

-Composing and arranging: I often compose and notate different accompaniments all together, for songs we cannot find arrangements of that we like that suit the needs of our church. I also often compose “keyboard reduction” scores, simplified piano scores for our keyboardist.

-Participating in our church’s Songwriter’s Guild: I am blessed to share this role with other incredibly talented individuals who can help in writing lyrics, chords, and melodies. I am the one who takes the ideas and puts them onto paper (creating scores, lead sheets, and chord charts for our musicians and creating hymn sheets for our congregation). You can read more about our creative process and the story behind our first finished song here: Redemption Stories: My Song in the Night

-Personal arranging projects: Sometimes, there’s a song I want to arrange simply because I want to. I’m hearing something in my head – like an itch I can’t scratch – and every time we sing the song, it’s there – the alternative chords, the counter melodies and harmonies, an interlude that includes a hymn on the same topic. Eventually, I make the time to sit down with the score and get what’s in my head out onto paper. For example, the first time I ever heard the song The Lord Almighty Reigns, I heard Hallelujah from Handel’s Messiah right alongside it. I eventually re-wrote / altered the existing accompaniment to include motifs from the Hallelujah Chorus. What the congregation sings is unchanged, but what I get to play complements it in a new way. Another personal favorite of mine is an arrangement for the accompaniment of Jesus Saves by Travis Cottrell that adds in the old hymn Jesus Saves into the interludes. That one was in my head for several years before I finally took the time to write it out. This wasn’t something that was asked of me; it was just something I felt compelled to do. In my defense, the score we were using looked like this:

This part of my “job” is my chance to finally do what I went to college to do, so, it is a dream come true. As a church music major, I took classes in music theory, composition, harmony, arranging, and hymnplaying. This is what I love to do, what I’m gifted to do, and what I trained to do.

That said, I’m currently the only person in my congregation that has this particular skill set. I also struggle to say “no” or “not now” or “maybe later,” and I hate to back away from a musical challenge.

Thus, this role is both a thrilling opportunity and – sometimes – a weighty responsibility.

The responsibility becomes particularly weighty when I’m also busy being a special needs wife and mom, homeschool teacher, book editor, blogger, homemaker, etc. etc. etc.

Praise and Feedback

Most of the people in our church congregation are aware and supportive of these responsibilities. And even for those who aren’t, I regularly receive praise and affirmation for the things I do as a musician for our church. Rarely does a service go by where I don’t get some sort of compliment from someone for the music I and my team members provide as our gift of worship to our Savior and our congregation. Those with musical knowledge and abilities are particularly forthcoming, as they are able to more actively engage with the content and understand the skill that went into “performing” a particular piece or crafting a particular transition.

Worth and Identity

It is an ever-present struggle within my heart to keep my focus on God and Him alone being worthy of the glory.

Who doesn’t like a compliment – especially when a lot of work has gone into something you have done? 

It’s easy to utter words like, “Praise the Lord!” or “All for Him!” or “It’s a joy!” when receiving a compliment. It’s a lot harder to not let it go to my head – or worse, to let words of praise become what I seek, why I do what I do, or what shapes my sense of worth or identity.

And yet, being a musician IS a part of my identity, just as is being a writer, a mother, and a wife. Everything I do should be done as a gift to the glory of God. My work is an act of worship. But as a church musician, I also view what I am able to do as a gift I am giving to my congregation, sharing my talents with them to facilitate their worship of God.

The key is to lean into the gifts and talents that God has given me for the edification of the body WITHOUT thinking of myself more highly than I ought. This is – quite honestly – a struggle, especially when my skills are in high demand and when I’m the only person in my church who can do what I do.

My Emotional Crash at the Sing Conference

Back to the Sing Conference…

It was the second full day of the conference when I started to emotionally crash. The rush of the first evening and Day 1 were starting to collide with a lack of sleep and energy, not enough fluids, too much activity, too much people-ing, and too much sugar.

But more than all of those physiological things…

Being at the Sing Conference is such an incredible experience. You are one of thousands of people standing there, singing, worshipping God, TOGETHER. A huge choir. It’s overwhelming and awe-inspiring to be a part of something so much bigger than yourself.

Then, getting to experience the music you love to sing and perform…being sung and performed by the people who wrote it. People you feel like you know intimately. When you are fingertips-deep in the rich harmonies from another musician’s brilliant genius, you know them in a way few will ever get to experience.

Then it hits you. You are one of thousands of people standing there, singing, worshipping God, TOGETHER. A huge choir. It’s overwhelming and awe-inspiring to be a part of something so much bigger than yourself. Then, getting to experience the music you love to sing and perform…being sung and performed by the people who wrote it. People you feel like you know intimately. People who don’t know you at all…and don’t even know you exist. People who can’t know or value your talents and gifts.

I began to feel so. incredibly. small. and insignificant. Who am I to any of these amazing musicians I admire so much from a distance? What are my gifts and talents worth in comparison to those people up on the stage? Who am I to think I’m…anything?

It wasn’t so much that I felt worthless – but more that I felt invisible.

I had tears in my eyes for the entire morning of day 2.

The Desire for Recognition

Sometimes I look at the things I’ve been able to do – musically – and I think, “This is really good.”

So, really, what’s keeping me from having my arrangements used on a scale like their songs are? It’s recognition and exposure. It’s someone who knows someone who knows someone to recognize the talent of another and connect them with the right people, in the right positions, at the right time.

As the Getty songwriting team grows, sometimes I get jealous. Legitimately, I feel like there’s perhaps something I could offer to a group like that.

Really?!?!? Who am I kidding?

In reality, I’m a unaccredited Bible college dropout who took two years of music theory and then didn’t touch the piano for a decade because she was too overwhelmed with her faith hangups, her struggling marriage, and a special needs kid who couldn’t handle the noise.

While I may be highly praised in my tiny church, that’s as far as it goes. I’m a nobody who knows no one outside of my tiny circle of influence.

The Desire for (Professional) Feedback

I’ve emailed my scores to the big names whose works I’ve adapted and arranged, knowing it was a fruitless endeavor. Still hoping…maybe…just maybe…they’ll take a peek and be impressed.

I was ECSTATIC when I actually ran into Matt Boswell and got to tell him about my Hallelujah Chorus version of The Lord Almighty Reigns. I rushed back to my hotel room to resend the score to him. (Never heard from him again. *sigh*)

Maybe the stuff I’ve done is actually horrible, but even that would be nice to know. I would love to have some feedback to know what to do, how to improve, what to fix, and what’s so incredibly wrong with parallel fifths anyway? 

I’ve also started wondering: what if I invested more time, energy, and money into honing this craft? What if I took a songwriter’s course? I’ve made playlists of songwriting and music theory YouTube videos to watch. I have a list of helpful podcasts to listen to. And all of it is sitting there, unwatched, never listened to…me never finding the time to sit down and actually learn from them.

At the Sing Conference, I even spent 30 minutes at the Liberty University booth asking them questions about their online music degree programs.

And yet, I knew that when I returned home, I would be slammed in the face with all of the obligations that come from having a family with very real, difficult struggles and people who need me, a church who needs me, and a too-full plate of responsibilities that I (and only I) can fulfill.

Affirmation and Encouragement

So while I was sitting there hoping the low lighting was hiding my teary eyes from those around me, my phone was blowing up with text from church people back home who were wondering how I was enjoying the conference. And I found it easier to hide behind the shield of my phone’s screen and text them back than I was talking to the people from my group sitting next to me. So I told them. I told them everything I was feeling. The responses I got were very affirming and understanding.

It was so helpful to be understood and heard, to know I wasn’t crazy, or even sinful or selfish to want these things. And yet to be encouraged that my gifts are not what give me worth as a person, or to God.

At the Sing conference, one of the songs we sang was My Worth is Not in What I Own, a song that we often sing at our church.

My worth is not in what I own
Not in the strength of flesh and bone
But in the costly wounds of love
At the cross

My worth is not in skill or name
In win or lose, in pride or shame
But in the blood of Christ that flowed
At the cross

I rejoice in my Redeemer
Greatest treasure, wellspring of my soul
I will trust in Him, no other
My soul is satisfied in Him alone

But it’s the last verse that I think really captures the juxtaposition of many of these things I’ve written about:

Two wonders here that I confess
My worth and my unworthiness
My value fixed, my ransom paid
At the cross

You see, both of these things are true, and wonderful. My worth is not found in my musical talents and abilities. My worth is only found in Christ. But Christ thought I was worth saving, and His righteousness has made me worthy.

These wonders (both my worth and my unworthiness) would continue to be affirmed in my heart later on that day, through two “divine encounters” with individuals who were able to speak truth to my heart, particularly regarding the struggles as a musician that I’ve written about here. These experiences will be shared in detail in my next post. (Hopefully, it won’t take me 6 months to write that one!)