alternately titled: how to spend over two years of your life potty training one child and not lose your freaking mind
I would like to say that my 3-going-on-4-year-old son is finally FULLY potty trained.
But I’d be lying. He is still not night-trained, but in honor of our recent victory of a whole week of pooping in the potty, I thought I would share some advice from a been-there-rocked-that-(NOT) mom who obviously knows the BEST way to potty train a child.
A cursory search of potty training on
Purgatory Pinterest reveals to me that 1) potty training in a day, a week, a weekend, or three days is supposedly a normal thing and 2) starting early is supposedly the key because kids should practically be able to potty train themselves these days and 3) oh look FLYING UNICORNS ARE ACTUALLY REAL!!!
So I promise that this isn’t going to be one of “those” posts.
Instead, I give you the sure-fire way to potty train in 2-years-and-counting:
1) Start at 18 months when your child shows signs of “being ready” to potty train. Because those signs are NEVER deceiving. This will guarantee that the process will
be over very quickly last over two years. Because the early bird—takes FOREVER.
2) Buy at least three different potty seats. Because the third one is the charm. No really.
3) Teach your boy to pee standing up. It makes it simple because all you have to do is stand there and wait for him to pee and then you can slide potty-chair #1 under his stream and make a big deal about him peeing in the potty even though you really did all of the work. (This method won’t at all come back to bite you in the rear when you realize he’s unable to poop sitting down…)
4) Every time your child plateaus…MOVE TO A NEW HOUSE. Because every time you do, he will get over whatever mental block is keeping him from doing this simple thing of peeing and pooping in the potty. The problem isn’t with your child, it’s with his environment. MOVE NOW!
5) Don’t let your kid eat bananas. This one I write in all seriousness. Bananas are constipating and make pooping painful. If you kid loves to eat bananas, and a lot of bananas – use them as bribes for pooping. *Note: it will probably take him about 4 months before he actually decides he misses eating bananas enough to poop for them, so enjoy the break in your banana budget while you can get it.
6) Pray really hard that your baby doesn’t get kicked out of preschool for pooping in his pants…and breathe a prayer of thanks when the very thing that is keeping him from pooping in the potty (his determination to poop no where but in his room, in a pull-up, when no one is watching) is the very thing keeping him from pooping at school. So I guess that is a Lose-Win situation then?
7) Watch “Peeing and Pooping…in the Potty” on Youtube frequently for a year and try to not wonder if that stuff in the potty seat that is not revealed until the 7 minute mark is actual poop that has been sitting there the whole time. Pretend it’s gummies or something. And remember that that mom is actually a genius, and be glad that she made this video so you wouldn’t have to.
P.S. This video won’t actually help your child potty train. But it will help entertain him for the hours that he sits on the potty not actually producing anything.
8) Watch, learn, memorize, and sing “The Poop Song” ad nauseam. After six months of singing it, it will eventually reach his frontal lobe…maybe. And no worries, “No actual poop was produced in the filming of this video.”
So there you have it. My advice for making potty training last an eternity. (I’m sure you will want to pin this one for your reference!)