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Hello my familiar friend. Blank, white post window. Blinking cursor beckoning. Inviting.
I just stopped in the middle of an assignment because the baby bonked his head in his crib and as I sat there and rocked I knew that I needed to take some time in this space. My space.
I’ve spent all afternoon working on discussion board assignments and doing readings – all week working on course and transfer planning and evaluating my short and long-term goals. My fingers have flown over the keys emailing advisers and sharing with my classmates my inspirations, hopes, and dreams.
I have sat across from a dear friend, our mom ponytails askew, over a late-night cup of coffee and gotten really really real with her. I have shared, overshared, and then some. My heart oozing all over the place as I have passionately shared plans and hopes – and faults – with her.
It is this place where I have stayed the most silent. Probably because it is here I am the most vulnerable. The most exposed. Because I can hand someone my blogging business card and say, “If you want to read my whole life-story, check it out!” and have that be an entirely true statement.
Which literally scares the heck out of me.
Yet still the cursor blinks and beckons. Why, I’m not entirely sure.
I’ve been so hesitant to come here lately. Because the big things are big and trying to sort them out is exhilaratingly confusing. (Dear spellcheck – “exhilaratingly” really needs to be a word!)
I sat in church this past Sunday, trying to stay awake from severe sleep deprivation, and decided that I needed to make a concept map for all of the thoughts swirling in my brain. This was something introduced in one of my classes as a note-taking technique and that just boggles my mind because I’m an outline kind of a girl.
There’s a lot of stuff in my life that’s totally separate yet weirdly connected. Take, for example, my friend Katie. Katie is connected to me as a friend and she’s been super involved in my blog. But we’ve also been having these conversations about mindfulness and minimalism. Mindfulness connects to stuff I’m studying in my stress management class which connects to stuff I’m studying in my Human Services class. Minimalism connects to my friend Holly which connects to my church. There’s also this book called The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up which connects to everything from Katie and our conversations on minimalism to purging the house of baby stuff which connects to downsizing stuff which connects to getting out of debt. Which connects to buying a house.
You see why I need a concept map?
A big one?
You see, also, why I’m struggling to blog right now? Because there is SO MUCH STUFF that’s all connected, and I’m not sure how to break it up into bloggable portions. (Dear spellcheck: Again with the squiggly lines? “Bloggable” is another great word.)
Sometimes being a blogger is hard, especially when you have been blogging 152 insights into my soul to your faithful audience for the last eight years. So I carry around this ridiculous burden that feels like I owe you a detailed, understandable explanation into EVERYTHING GOING ON IN MY BRAIN. Because when I make life changes – big or small – I blog about them and tell you why. Because, it’s what I do.
I know I don’t owe you anything. Duh.
But when I’m silent because I’m still trying to figure it all out, I feel like I’m hiding something. Or not being authentic or genuine enough. Like I DESPERATELY NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND ALL. THE. THINGS. But I can’t communicate them to you when I’m not entirely sure I understand them all.
So I guess this is just me saying hi. Which is a really lame reason to write a blog post, but I really don’t care.
(I wanted this to be a longer post but my concept map took forever, I’m hungry, and Russ wants to watch NCIS. So.)
This is me saying, “I’m here. I’m thinking. I’m learning. I’m caring. I’m dreaming. I’m hoping. I’m planning. I’m breathing. I’m experiencing. I’m healing. I’m growing. I’m changing. Most of all – I’m living. I’m not sure how to share all of this with you, but I’m here.”
So thanks for listening.
And here’s a picture, just because: