1. Bethany W

    I’m an introvert married to a HSP introvert but since I’m his love and best friend, I still get all the talking, the touching, (physical touch is one of his love languages) and all the everything.

    It’s lovely but it’s tiring. 🙂 and yes my husband is also amazing because he helps me ton around the house and loves pitching in on all the “women’s work” that I was always told husbands would never pitch in on. He’s glorious and nothing like the men in the marriage advice books I read and prepared myself for before marriage b

    • “lovely but tiring” – YES! This is exactly what I was trying to say!

      I’m so glad I have a man who is unlike the men in marriage books. I would so much rather have it this way. But still something I wasn’t prepared for!!

    • Jane

      I am also an introvert married to an extrovert. He recognized this early on, however, and has made an effort to protect my personal time so he can have my attention. He does introverted things with me too during my recharge time so we can be together. There are times he contents himself with cuddling with me and just reading or watching tv. He knows by doing this, he can have that dinner party or we can go out. Over the years, he has worked out the balance and the questions over fine tuning it have decreased. Communication helps with things like this.

      • Jane, thank you SO MUCH for sharing! We have grown so much in our communication. Sometimes we struggle with the cuddling and watching TV thing – I LOVE it. But sometimes we will be laying there on the couch, watching a show, and he will say, “Can we cuddle?” I get so frustrated because I’m RIGHT THERE! But he equates cuddling with more physical affection (me rubbing his hair or back, or him rubbing me – but sometimes I just don’t want to be touched). I have found that it’s worse when we haven’t talked a lot, or he’s stressed or anxious. Ahhh…any tips on how to respond? How to share with him that just laying there watching TV with him truly IS quality time for me?

  2. Becky

    I totally get it! Feeling a holiday is time to finally get a teeny bit oftime to do nothing by myself and partner has huge plans for the family. Or coming down from putting kids to bed and he wants a hug cos he hasn’t seen me all day and I just do not want to be touched by anyone. And then the guilt. But then me sacrificing my alone time for family time and being resentful (and grumpy) when I don’t get any time alone and he has taken his alone time.

  3. Amanda

    Not only am I an introvert married to an extrovert, but I am also a mental health therapist. To my defense, we married and had a child later in life so I had the career prior. But most days, I have nothing, NOTHING to give at the end of the day. Once our daughter is put to bed, I need a whole hour of not talking or someone needing something. Communication is key to making sure everyone’s needs get met. Sometimes I fall short but we keep working at it.

      • Amanda

        My first thought is that old cliche, “You have to find balance.” But I will be the first to admit that I am not good at balancing. Self-care IS the priority for me. It has to be because if I’m not good then I cannot possibly care for anyone else. For me, it’s about being in tune with myself (mind and body) and communicating with my partner about what I need from him (we don’t have any family where we live). Sometimes that communication comes in the form of yelling that he doesn’t do enough but we get it worked out. Luckily, I’m a homebody and so I do like being at home and doing some of the domestic things. Being a mom who works outside the home 45 hours a week or more will make you enjoy being home! My house is a wreck most days and I might not get a shower every single day because I choose to lay in bed an extra 45 min but no one has to know that:) Anyway, long story short, making yourself a priority isn’t about being selfish. Chances are if you take time for yourself each day, you won’t need that much time in the grand scheme of things. And you are worth it!

        • Amanda

          Oh, P.S., since I left this out: I take an hour to myself each day, sometimes more depending. This might be in the morning if I wake up before everyone else OR in the evening once my daughter is in bed. I do whatever I feel like doing and it’s all for me. It’s not cleaning, organizing, etc, unless that’s what I really want to do. Mostly it’s watching stuff on YouTube or stalking blogs or catching up with friends on the phone (I don’t do social media) or any dorky thing I feel like doing. Ha ha!

          • I love this! What sort of stuff do you like to watch on Youtube? For me, I try to take time every day to watch an episode of my favorite show on Netflix or Amazon Prime.

  4. MJ Thompson

    HI Aprille,
    I can’t really believe you’re posting this. If you need to vent, vent to your husband, not the WORLD. If you’re expecting him to tone down what is natural to him (the extroversion) then it is only fair for you to go out of your comfort zone, too, and interact with him. Even when you don’t FEEL like it. That’s really the answer on HOW to do this– you just make the decision,even when you don’t FEEL like it.

    If God put you two together, then he has already given you the ability to be Russ’s wife. So just walk forward in that and be that kind of wife for Russ. God will bless your obedience.


  5. YES, ME TOO! Also, he has worked at home– for 3 years. When he is not at work, I am always…on…call. I love that, I love being the person he wants/needs. But I am right there with you, that hotel room by myself sounds like a dream. My sweet husband understands…to a point and then he has a hard time not being disappointed and making me feel awful. ( Can you tell I also dump a ton of guilt on myself too? ) Ugh. He is definitely my sweetheart, we are supposed to be together. Honestly when you were describing your husband I was thinking, this sounds like Josh (my husband). ROFL Anyway, I’ve babbled now…but I SO UNDERSTAND.

    • I am SO glad that someone else gets it. I know when my husband was unemployed for a short time, or when he was home on terminal leave at the end of his time in the Army – oooh those were some tough days. Just because I was used to my routine and space, and he was constantly wanting to do things at different times!

  6. No no no, this is not extrovert but weird behavior. Sorry but I’m an extrovert and I am married to someone less extrovert than me and he is also asking those questions- but not that intensely. I think it has to do with culture. Here in Norway we are very quite, shy and political correct (stuff all that!) and severe tall puppy syndrome controlling each other.
    We don talk to strangers in the streets and we shy away from people, which for me is what I hate.
    When I became I Christian my Christian friends would not let me be so outspoken about Jesus and the glad message. My introverted friends would shoosh me down and I would get depressed. People seem to hate peoples who are happy and confident.
    When you talk about your husband he doesn’t seem like a typical extrovert- every extrovert have filters like anyone else and can determine what they talk about.

    Sorry to be frank but your husband sounds like a big kid who didn’t get boundaries when he was little, cause extroverts doesn’t equal Ace Ventura.
    Extroverts are not idiots. We are usually optimistic and those who usually likes to hold is back are (pessimistic) introverts.

    But in your case it seems like you are normal and he is on stereoids haha.

      • I am an introvert too and I understand that people who are extroverts are different and have different needs. But I agree with Vanessa in the sense that some points your are giving in this post are not really “normal”. Writing 63 text messages in a day is not a normal behavior, this is a needy behavior. I am really not saying this in a mean way or judging way. But you don’t have to feel guilty for wanting some alone time. It seems like your husband needs reassurance all the time and doesn’t have healthy boundaries. I can tell that because I had some similar problem in the past though I am an introvert. There’s no judgment in my comment, I am saying that so that you could consider the problem on a different angle and bring some help. I might be wrong as well.
        Your post was very interesting beside of that. Thank you for writing it.

        Blessings, Marie 🙂

  7. Tammy

    He is like a kid still, but in a man’s body….I’m an extrovert, and I had to learn how to pull back my excitement of certain things and beliefs. Just saying that there needs to be balance from you both, and God is the only way to achieve this goal.

  8. Cassandra

    A lot of this. My husband does amazing respecting my need for downtime, and right now, I am able to structure in downtime with my infant son (we nap together in the morning, even if it’s just me on Pinterest while he sleeps in my arms.) But I still have work in the evenings, until we can have me home permanently (soon?) and I just don’t get things done. And I know my son will soon progress from coos and giggles to an adorable and yet constant stream of chatter, and I’m afraid of how I will cope. Will I love every moment, or will I feel drained. Will I ever get my home in order? I feel like a failure. And I avoid just about every social gathering.

    And I dread church. I dread having people even near me. I dread the small talk. I dread the people that descend like vultures to coo and fawn over and touch my son (also Ezra). I dread the people coming to ask the same questions about him that they asked the previous week. (No, his ear is fine. That’s a birthmark. As I told you last week. No, he still isn’t sleeping through the night. Yes, he’s a “good” baby. Pray tell, what exactly is a “bad” baby?)

    I hate dreading church. I hate the feelings I have towards these people. And I hate that I can’t keep up with my home. I feel like a failure as a Christian and as a wife, which reflects on me as a Christian.

    So no, it’s not just you.

    • Cassandra, wow…so many feels with this comment.

      I will tell you this, when your son starts chattering away, yes, you probably will feel overwhelmed and drained. I know I do. My Ezra is 6 now, so inquisitive and curious. Asks questions non-stop. I admit to not handling this well. However, what I try to do is just be honest with him. I tell him when I am feeling overwhelmed by his talking/questions and ask him for quiet sometimes. Then, I try to make sure that I end the day on a good note with him, by lying in bed with him for a SHORT time and allowing him to talk freely. My Ezra is smart, but I think kids do have the capacity as they grow to understand that moms have needs too. My son understand my introvertism because we have talked about it extensively. He knows about my “bubble,” understands that sometimes mommy needs quiet, etc. That doesn’t mean that he walks around the house on eggshells. He’s loud and talkative and never shuts up, but at least sometimes I can ask him for quiet and he understands.

      It’s hard to keep ones home in order, especially when you have kids. I think that’s just a never-ending struggle. I recently posted some videos to my facebook page about how I (try to) keep up with my house. You can watch them here:


      As for church, that’s a hard one. I think as your baby grows, things might get easier. New babies are sort of a novelty at church. If it really is bothering you so much, maybe show up late and leave early? I know, that sounds awful, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do!!!

  9. Max

    I’m definitely more like husband and my wife is the introvert. We make it work. I have my hobbies that I do alone though so it allows her to have some alone time. She needs more though and I understand that.

  10. Nichole

    Thank you so much for this post! It was as if I was reading my own story! I’m constantly feeling guilty and broken and it helps me immensely to know that I am not alone in this.

  11. Mark

    Hi Aprille,

    Could you advise more on how you meet his needs and what the mental process was around that? I read your blog and found it interesting and would like to know more what things I can do to help my spouse. All the books on Marriage say that together time is super important, but for you and others how do you ensure a strong Marriage? I welcome every and all ideas. Best regards

    • A few ideas:

      Watching TV shows (we love to binge-watch shows on netflix, a few episodes each evening). When we watch TV shows, we are cuddling on the couch. I am meeting his physical needs but also getting a “break” from interact that is more exhausting (such as conversation).

      We also enjoy hiking – even gentle hiking on trails. We are spending time together, maybe talking a bit, but also have a little bit of space to think.

      Open communication is really huge, too. Let your spouse know you are struggling with interactions because of how you are wired.

  12. Angie

    I’m crying now after reading your story. Thank you so much for bravely sharing it. I am basically married to a man who is exactly like you inside and I am having the hardest time dealing with it. When I am excited to do something, he never is. When we go to weddings or parties, he always wants to be the first person to leave. He would always rather be doing something alone then with me. He doesn’t want to get together with his friends on his birthday… and what you said about holidays is SPOT ON! that must be exactly what he is thinking lol. As long as I try my best to be understanding and accommodating, he says he is very happy in our relationship, but the problem is, I am extremely lonely and don’t feel connected with him or like he enjoys me. I would love to know how things work for you in your relationship via providing happiness for your extroverted husband. You are still together, so you must be doing something right.

    • It’s hard, but it’s a lot of give and take. For example, while my older son is in school I REALLY try to prioritize alone time…I let everything go – even the house, laundry, etc. I watch TV, nap, just do anything I can to be quiet and still. I wait til my son is home from school and then crisis clean – OR ask him to help. He knows that if he helps me out with housework, he has a better shot of getting cuddle time with me in the evening or weekend. I have been more aggressive about asking him for alone time – and he’s been really great about giving it to me. Even knowing I have 2 hours alone to look forward to on Saturday morning makes me much more willing to be giving of my time and emotional energy during the evenings. Communication is key. We are coming up on 10 years in March, and each year we learn each other better and learn how to communicate better and better. Managing expectations. I do plan to write a follow up post to this post in the next few weeks. So I hope that will shed some more light on how we make it all work. It IS work, and I think this is our biggest struggle as a couple, aside from differences in our parenting styles.

  13. Tron C

    Great reflection! I don’t have any practical advice, but your story is so much a mirror of my own. My husband is the most loving, giving, affectionate, always communicating his feelings type of husband. I could not have asked for a more caring husband and friend, but oftentimes it is just so overwhelming. With three children under 5, the oldest who is just like his father, sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and hide. I have come to the conclusion as much as I would love to be able to be constant stimuli for my husband, I can’t be my best self, or even my half best self, without my alone time. With three littles at home with me I am trying to find a balance, but have yet to reach that happy compromise. Praying for all of us introverts that God’s grace would lead us to that sweet spot!

    • It’s really nice to hear I’m not the only one who deals with this because sometimes I feel like I’m just crazy or there is something wrong with me. I’ve been ruminating on this post for the last YEAR and plan to do a follow up with a little bit more practical advice for introverted wives and moms, as opposed to this post which was just more of a vent/confession. I hope you’ll follow or subscribe so that when I finally get around to writing that post, you’ll be able to read it!!!

      • M

        You’ve just described exactly my life. Unfortunately my husband isn’t as understanding and our differences are putting a huge strain on our relationship. I work full time and get basically zero downtime or alonetime. 2 kids 6 and 2. Just drained in every way possible

        • I feel you. And I can so attest to the struggle, especially with kids of those ages (mine are currently 7 and 2). I think it DOES get better as the kids get older. I do plan on writing a follow-up “survival guide” type post for introverted wives. (Eventually!) I hope you will stick around to read it!

  14. Learning Mom

    2 years in a row my birthday present has been a night away at a hotel BY MYSELF! and it has been amazing. and i’m going to keep it going as long as i can. my husband has high alone time needs so he understands, which is super helpful, but he gets his alone time needs met since he is a student with a variable class schedule and i work full time and our son is in school. i recommend doing the hotel thing. we still have a little family birthday party with cake and stuff on or around my birthday. and my hotel getaway is usually just near my birthday. i’m blessed because my parents help out with supporting this too! i guess it’s really obvious that i’m tired and drained…😝. Make it happen… it’s fantastic.

  15. Frances

    Oh boy, I really get this. I think communication is the best advice. We all have different ways of recharging. My husband comes home at night and wants to talk a mile a minute and get allllllll the physical attention. I am all worn out from eleventy-million questions (and physical touch is pretty in demand still) from the children, 4, 7, and 9 years. It is better than it used to be; like your child they have been trained that occasionally it must be quiet. My kids don’t nap any more, but we have quiet time most afternoons. It is as helpful for the children to be apart as it is necessary for me. I definitely understand the guilt. I am sure there have been days I received upwards of 63 texts. LOL
    I think working together on chores is a fantastic way to manage some of the together time with children. It means we’re both occupied, they’re learning, and questions are less frivolous. My girls are a bit older, but they know how to pick up, start a load of laundry, make lunch, sweep, clean off and set the table, etc. Mothering is hard work, but rewarding. God bless you!

    • This is FABULOUS advice. I agree – COMMUNICATION has been SO key for us. Just yesterday I got frustrated with him because he came in the door and (as he normally does) immediately went into “take charge” mode and was talking and instructing before even saying hello. But then he and I had this whole conversation about WHY he does this, why he feels like he needs to do this, what this accomplishes for him, and how we can make it work better. 10 years married and I finally get it! LOL

      Also, YES, doing household chores or cleaning together has become a really awesome time for us. We have some of our best conversations in this situation.

  16. Kate

    Thank you for making me feel normal. I’m married to the most perfect man for me, two sons, 2 & 3 1/2. We’ve just had Christmas then 14 of us family on holiday & I just want a dark cave. I’ve told my perfect dream man I think divorce is the only solution which seems ludicrous. He does so much for our kids & me but I can only dream of spending a full day or evening alone. I’ve drowned already. I don’t want to ruin my boys or husbands lives yet I’m genuinely happy when I’m alone

    • I think there is a solution that does not involve divorce. Work on communicating your needs to him – as well as taking time to meet his needs. Sometimes, a day or two alone will help refresh your perspective. My husband was gone for 5 weeks in May and I was SO glad when he came home!

  17. Queen

    Thank you for posting this. This is my life. I have 4 children and have been married for 18 years in June. My husband is an extrovert exactly like your husband and our marriage is strained sometimes because our household is constantly humming, my husband works 2nd shift, and many times I’m sleep when he comes home. He’s not getting his fix of affection and because I have the kids my alone time is limited or nonexistent. When the weekend comes when we are both off he wants all my time and I want to be alone most of the weekend. Usually we don’t get either because of kid obligations on the weekends as well. We started planning lunch on Fridays together, but somehow ended up being everyday that graded my nerves a bit, but if I cancel he gets upset. We recently learned more about the introvert, extrovert traits and have tried to help feed each other’s needs. I’m glad we are learning. I believe he thought I was being selfish and I thought he was just super needy. Still trying to figure things out. He’s super affectionate, wants to be touching me or laying on me, or me touching him as much as possible. I on the other hand am content not touching at all but just having him in the same room. We are so far on opposite ends of the spectrum. I understand the texting….mine doesn’t text that much, but I’m sure we talk at least 3 times on the phone and conversate through hangouts my whole shift. His feelings are hurt if 2-3 hours go by without communication. Because I’m ok with being alone and not talking to anyone, this does not bother me. I am fine with not having my phone or a computer close by. And yes, I’ve asked to be left alone as my gift for my birthday as well. Anyways, thank you for posting and making me feel not so alone with this.

    • Glad to know I’m not alone. Just this week we were talking about the texting thing. His job is a lot busier these days and he will get caught up in work, but he still expressed sadness that the whole day will go by without him hearing from me at all. Trying to up my texting game to stay engaged with him throughout the day!

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