Motherhood,  Pregnancy & Birth

Miscarriage hurts – grieving my early miscarriage even years later

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Saturday evening you could have found me in the kitchen with silent tears streaming down my face as I mashed up potatoes for dinner – tears over the miscarriage I had five years ago.

Hormones are a funny thing – and, in my case, their wake has left me crying almost every day. Crying at the littlest things, like the TV shows I watch, the songs our church choir sings, or hugs from my son who just turned three.

Whatever extra hormones (or lack thereof?) that have turned my eyes into a faucet also did some strange things within my body. For a few days I went through the emotional ups and downs of taking home pregnancy tests and vacillating between excitement and sheer terror at the thought of being pregnant again.

So there I was, Saturday, still waiting for an answer either way. Having just compiled a post from “three years of first-time mothering.” Hormones raging, thoughts racing…and it hit me hard.

This mothering thing didn’t start three years ago.

It was over five years ago the first time I saw the word “pregnant” on a stick. If I were pregnant again, this would be my third pregnancy, not my second.

I’ve been a mom for over five years. Wow…

Sure, the day-in-day-out emotional and physical strain of caring for another individual started when Ezra was born, but this mom was born on a hot June day in 2008 when I realized there was a life within me for the first time.

I stood there in the kitchen and turned slightly, imagining an almost-five-year-old little boy approaching me, running around, teasing his little brother.

Unlike many moms who have miscarried and can say that had that baby reached term they wouldn’t have their rainbow baby, I can say that it’s biologically possible that I could have had both. Likely? No. But possible? Yes.

Ezra could have a sibling right now. An older one.

I could be a mom of two.

Miscarriage Gift – Printable Instant Download | Get it here.

And I wouldn’t have to answer those awkward questions about our family size from over-curious people who want to know if Ezra is our only one or if we want more.

Because it’s still strange to say “Yes, he’s our only one,” when I know that’s not entirely true. But most people don’t want to hear about the miscarriage I had five years ago.

Miscarriage always hurts - even several years later: grief and early miscarriage

I cried hard but silently there in the kitchen for the child that is not. For what could have been. Ezra woke up from his nap and then I went in, scooped him up into my lap, held him tight, and cried some more.

Later on that night it became obvious that another pregnancy was not meant to be and whatever was causing all of my crazy symptoms was simply a hormonal fluke. More tears – tears of disappointment, tears of relief. Shaking my head a bit in anger at the emotional-ness of it all. Stupid hormones putting me through all of that for nothing. 

(And just being so daggone glad that once again, the waiting and wondering was over – that we made it through, successfully preventing pregnancy yet again.

And hoping that my hormones level out sooner rather than later so that I can stop all of this dumb crying.)

I’ve never really blogged much about my miscarriage. I had only known that I was pregnant for four days when I lost that child. All I have left is a fuzzy photo of a pregnancy test and some paperwork from the hospital to commemorate the life God created. And then, three weeks later, my husband of four months left me for a year – and I just had to get over it all because I had bigger things to deal with. I grieved in my own way, but I didn’t have to endure what so many other loss moms have. I never had to bury my baby. I just shook it off and moved on.

But some days I’m taken by surprise and, even after five years, it still gets me.

It’s still a loss.

Miscarriage hurts. Even five years later.


Miscarriage hurts: even five years later #miscarriage

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  • ScottsHelper

    Yes…it does. The one thing I CAN say, though, about miscarrying two babies in the last couple of years, is that heaven is SO much more real to me now, and I long for home that much more. I have no doubt your sweet little one is playing before the throne of God! What a glorious day it will be for you to meet him/her!

  • wifosaurus

    I so desperately wanted another child, and then after a year of trying, had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. We were so excited to be pregnant again, we’d already had names picked out. My due date was going to be February 14th. It’s only by the grace of God that I got through it. He gave me peace after a few weeks of grieving, and a few months later, we conceived again, and “Lion” has been such a wonderful, sweet child. And he is what God had in store for us all this time. It was a hard lesson in learning to trust God’s timing and not our own. It was also a hard lesson in learning that it’s not always good getting what you ask for in prayers.
    I knew two other women who gave birth in February to little boys. Valentine’s Day was awful, when I thought about how I could have been holding my new baby in my arms. I’ll never forget the two weeks celebrating Baby Love’s life inside me, and I’ll never forget the pain from losing the baby. But we can’t focus on the what ifs, or it will destroy us. I know that Baby Love is with the most capable Father in existence, and am thankful that we could have been blessed to be pregnant for those few weeks. It really was true for me, that old saying. It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I wouldn’t wish a miscarriage on anyone, and I hope to never lose a child again. But my miscarriage made me a more compassionate person and made me never, ever take for granted the children I have now.

    • Aprille

      Trusting Gods timing is a big thing I’m learning now too as we wait to get to a situation where having another is more feasible. I know Gods timing is perfect, even though months I think it might happen and it doesn’t is hard and a small loss it its own right too.

  • Jackie

    I understand that hurt, Aprille. The love for each baby that starts when you find out you are pregnant never leaves you even when that baby goes to be with Jesus. I have 9 precious ones with Him. I experience the grief and pain of their loss at different times too….I always will…..until I get to be with them forever…I cry just thinking of that…..I appreciate so much your sharing of your journey…

  • Sasha Johns

    I completely get this. My LAST pregnancy was the one I lost. I have three other children. Coming at it from that end, every time my youngest reaches a milestone my hearts says, “I should get to see that first step one last time”. A close friend gave me one of those lovely Bird Nest pendants with the birthstones of each child that represent eggs, and I loved it, but immediately thought (not voiced), “but one egg is missing?”. Mine was only two and a half years ago.

  • daniellerogers2013

    Thank you for writing about this. I’ve been thinking of writing a post on exactly this topic, because like you, I’m a Mother to more children than just the littles in my house. We have 3 babies with the Lord and though the distance grows between the hurt the loss never goes away. Praying for you today, Aprille.

  • lydia

    After 4 miscarriages, the loss of one twin, the surviving twin being born with special needs, and then an etopic pregnancy at 14 weeks, I get it. It hurts, I could have had a caravan of children. It would have been possible, I would have loved it. God has different plans for my family. It hurts every month I still at times ache, I still hope that maybe this month I will get what I have been praying for since before I can remember, then I wake up and count those two beautiful girls sleeping in their rooms and know God blessed me the way he planned not how I planned. Hugs and prayers to you.

  • Larissa

    I wish miscarriage was talked about more – it definitely counts as a loss. There’s a saying that I love “a little life, not a little loss”… while it applies to my situation as well, I think it applies even more to miscarriage. A precious little life, gone to soon 🙁
    I like to think that the children we have would have always been ours – just later, rather than sooner. For instance, I think your second child was always going to be Ezra, even if your first had made it to term and you’d waited longer to conceive. And I think that my current belly babe is the same child we would have had if Ariella had lived, just that they’ll be arriving much sooner than we would have planned.

  • Diana

    I have a necklace, too, with charms with my two daughter’s initials and one with a heart for the baby we miscarried at six weeks. It’s just a personal way to remind myself God gave me three children, and I don’t need to pretend one didn’t exist. Thank you for your honesty in telling your story! It does still hurt, and it’s an important message that grieving the ones that are gone doesn’t mean we love the ones we have any less.

  • Alexandra

    It’s amazing how you’re doing so well and then suddenly, something triggers it and it hits so hard. Grief is such a strange thing. I can’t completely identify since I wasn’t the one that miscarried, but I do understand, to a small extent, the pain of it. Our little Timmy wasn’t my child, of course, but he was my brother, and yes, he is as much my brother as the six brothers I have here on earth. We choose to tell people that we have twelve children, because we do…but you’re right, people don’t always want to hear the “one is in heaven” explanation. And sometimes, honestly, I don’t want to volunteer the information that leaves you open to the awkward sympathy. Anyway, I’m rambling…just want to thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry for your loss…people just cannot comprehend it if they haven’t lived it.

  • anita Dickey

    I have had 7 miscarriage (8 pregnancies) and yes each one hurts so incredibly fierce especially those ones you have fuzzy ultrasound pics. off.

  • Deb Weaver (@DebWordWeaver)

    Yes, it is a loss. Though I’ve not experienced this kind of grief, I’ve been marked by it too. Grief can hit us at unexpected moments and flip us beneath its current. It may take us awhile to stagger back to our feet. Praying God immerses you in His comfort, strength, grace, and peace as you get your footing back.

    Deb Weaver

  • Leah Westley

    I fell pregnant a few months before I got married, I was shocked and was not the ideal time I would’ve been 5 months in a wedding dress in hot Cyprus heat! However I quickly became excited & was looking forward to being a mum but I wasn’t to be, a few days before my 12 week scan I started having pains & bleeding, that night after agonising pain I lost my baby. I had lots to look forward to, a wedding so I just got on with it, after the wedding it started to really affect me I was crying all the time and desperate to be pregnant again which in December 2011 I did, I will never forget the little bean I lost they will forever be in my heart & my mind xxx

  • Sarah

    This is so true. My first miscarriage was 3 years and 3 weeks ago. I just suffered my 7th miscarriage in a row, complete with a trip to the hospital for hemorrhaging. It never gets easier and I still remember every due date, every date that I found out I was pregnant, and every date that I found out that my sweet baby was gone. I know that even if my some miracle I got my rainbow, I will never be the same again. Thank you for putting this out there.

    • Aprille

      Sarah, my heart goes out to you. I can’t even imagine repeated, multiple miscarriages – especially that many in such a short amount of time. Thank you for sharing your experiences here and may God grant you that rainbow baby that you so desire!

  • Judith Beiler

    thank you for sharing…its nice to know I’m not alone.. my husband and and I had been trying for a year when I finally got pregnant…at 5 weeks we lost our angel.. 4 months later I was pregnant again..and at 7 weeks we lost this angel too… that was last week…every day I feel so alone…I dont understand how it seems like everyone else has already forgot..

    • Aprille

      I’m so sorry to hear about your multiple miscarriages. That is heart-breaking. I promise that you are NOT alone! If you haven’t, make sure to check out and maybe you will be able to network with more people who have gone through what you are going through!

      • DJ

        That was the way it happened for us also, got pregnant right after our miscarriage and then it to was lost. Nurse was like” you can;;t be pregnant again” and I was, I also felt like everyone forgot so quickly.. Know that others also went through what you are and my heart goes out to you. You will never forget them and there is a great book I’ll Hold You in Heaven which helped me.

  • Beth Anne

    I’ve never been pregnant but I know many people that have had miscarriages and I can’t imagine what it feels like. My mom had 2 miscarriages before she had me and in recent years I wonder what it would have been like to have older siblings or a bigger family.

  • Teresa

    I sympathize with you. The awkward questions when people ask if we have any children. No, not live ones is what I want to answer. 3 miscarriages and no luck. The last one is the one that is the hardest because so many I know were pregnant and expecting around the same time, so I live those milestones through you, Sara and my sister-in-law. I was due around Thanksgiving 3 years ago but it wasn’t meant to be. Hugs and prayers are with you always!

  • DJ

    Our 2nd and 3rd pregnancies were miscarried at 6 weeks. Grief was multiplied by very misguided responses by others.I never had any understanding from anyone then. I would get so choked up I couldn’t even talk about it for 2 years. God blessed us with our 4th pregnancy daughter two years after our losses. Know that others understand and share your grief. Your baby’s life was valued by you so never feel badly that feelings and thoughts crop up once in a while, it is a testimony to your love.. I will never forget my 2 and they’d be 21 and 22 now.

  • Anonymous

    It was five years ago this week that I knew I had twins brewing. I told my closest family I had twins in there. The doctor agreed to see me early due to complications I had experienced with my first born. My husband joked that we needed a reality show, so please give us a bunch. When the doctor told us there were two, I thought he may pass out right there. But there were no heartbeats. I was to come back in a few days to check on the progress, it was early, afterall. A few days later, I sat in that waiting room, with all those happy, expectant mothers and I broke down. I wept. I knew there was no life in my belly. I was quickly ushered away from all the happiness and expectedness to a room where those glowing new mommies wouldn’t hear me sobbing. I was to come back for surgery. There was no life. And they weren’t going to leave on their own. MANY years later I met a medium who saw my deceased father-in-law rocking not one, but TWO babies in his arms. They are still with me. As is this day, the day that they left my womb, five years ago. I still weep. Those who tried to tell me that I was fortunate to have my baby boy at that time had no understanding that is exactly why it hurt so bad. I knew what I had just lost. I gave birth to a spirited girl a little over a year later, and I believe she encompasses the spirit of the two I lost. I knew in my heart one was a boy and one a girl, and my little Samantha is the best of both worlds. But five years later, the pain, the loss, still hasn’t gone away. Thank you for writing this and helping me through this week. xoxo

  • rachel

    i had my miscarriage 12 years ago, Dec 27, 2002 to be exact at 8 weeks gestation. It still hurts to this day, i feel like there should be something to remember that baby,and like you i sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a 12 year old running around. I too have gone on to have 2 beautiful girls now 10 and 8 but I always have my lost child very close to my heart!

  • Jackie

    It never goes away. It gets easier and you learn to live with it and move on but your heart will always ache. Every year, every mothers day, every would have been birthday, every miscarriage anniversary. I had 5 miscarriages, lost twins and also had an ectopic pregnancy. My first child would have been 18 now. The twins would have been 15, and the last two would have been 12 and 13. I dream of them. I see them in my dreams… They always give me a flower wreath. My point is they are with you always. I have since had two children but they make me think of the babies I lost even more. Makes me think of what I missed out on. But at the same time… If I never had all those miscarriages then… I wouldn’t have the two amazing children that I have now. I’m so so lucky and I cherish them so much. But I do often think of my lost children with a heavy heart. I’m still broken. One day I will hold them in my arms and never let them go.

  • Ali

    Thank you, Aprille, for writing about this. It will be 2 years tomorrow since I miscarried our second baby. This evening I felt a fool for feeling sad about it, having had another child since. But googled it and found your blog and feel so encouraged that others also still grieve and feel sad. You sum it up so well, and have helped me to realise that it’s ok to feel sad and still enjoy the children we have been given.

    • Aprille

      I’m so glad that this post was encouraging to you. It gets better in time, but I think that the grief of miscarriage is something that a mother will always carry with her.

      • Anonymous

        I’m eight years on and realised after my 9 year old asked me if I ever lost a baby like her friends mum, that I’m still grieving too. Just brought myself back n cried for about an hour. It never leaves us but comes n goes ?

      • fiona walsh

        I’m eight years on and realised after my 9 year old asked me if I ever lost a baby like her friends mum, that I’m still grieving too. Just brought myself back n cried for about an hour. It never leaves us but comes n goes ?

  • Jackie

    After almost a year of TTC I found out I was pregnant only to have a miscarriage at 6 and a half weeks. In such a short time I got the best news of my life and the worst news. It’s only been 3 months but I still have moments where I’m completely fine then all of a sudden I’m not. We’re back to TTC and each month that passes I get even more upset than I used to because I had my baby and it was taken away.

    • Aprille

      Jackie- my condolences for your loss. It sounds like you have been on quite a roller coaster of emotions. Give yourself time and grace to heal. Grief is not linear.

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