Beauty in the Mess ~ Edition 08.12.14

The sun is finally peeking out after four or five days of solid rain and gloom. What remains is soggy leaves, mud, and stifling humidity – yet still I welcome it.

Life is messy. I’m used to coming here and pouring it all out or leaving a rant on Facebook or just getting it off of my chest in hopes that maybe in the release I will feel less alone.

Unfortunately, more often than not I am just left feeling more frustrated. When everyone wants to offer their two cents, their suggestions, their thoughts. When I hear “Have you tried…?” and “Are you doing…?” and “Have you called…?” and “Have you read…?” and it starts to feel like they are just pointing their fingers at all the ways I’m not doing enough for my family.

And so today, I’m not going to get into the mess. Because I simply don’t have the mental energy to sort through the gush of well-meaning comments that leave my head spinning.

Instead, I’m going to tell you how we went to the pool for Independence Day. How I packed red, white, and blue fruit salad and called it a day. No parades, no birthday parties for America, no sensory bins or preschool. Just me, this boy, and a pool. Underachieving at its finest.

I’m going to tell you how we went out in Grandpa’s boat and looked at ducks.

I’m going to tell you how I realized that he’s gonna be four soon and I don’t take nearly as many pictures as I used to…and how I wanted to remember this beautiful face in all it’s explosive 3-year-old-ness.

I’m going to tell you how we saw fireworks as a family for the first time ever (which is a really big deal)…and how it wasn’t perfect, but it was enough, and it was beautiful.

I’m going to tell you about the beauty of stolen moments after dropping the boy at summer care early Monday morning…when I stopped by Starbucks on the way home for coffee for me and my love. When I texted him the picture with the word MIRAKURU! because I knew he would get it because you share this deep love for geek humor.

I’m going to tell you how beautiful it can be to make breakfast for dinner because I know that bacon is the one meat my son won’t argue about eating. And how this moment made me feel like a good mother.

I’m going to tell you how beautiful it is to have a chiropractor who gives family discounts and takes great care of your kiddo.

I’m going to tell you about that time we dressed up like cows to get free food at Chick-Fil-A…

I’m going to tell you how we went to the park later that night, and the ice cream truck came around, and I said yes to the Spiderman popsicle because I knew that this face would be worth it.

I’m going to tell you about that time I heard him in his room yelling about pajamas and then he came out of the room like this, so proud of his accomplishment:

I’m going to tell you about that time we took the evening off as a family to wander around our beautiful town and climb trees and splash in fountains and eat pizza at our favorite pizza place.

I’m going to tell you about two hour play-dates at the park

and the beauty of this boy ever-growing, ever changing:

I’m going to tell you about that time we made a beach house out of legos, which was topped with a racetrack, and then somehow became Tidmouth Sheds. Because…little boys…

I’m going to tell you the story of Prince Mommy and Batman, who have adventures on the sunporch:

I’m going to tell you about how Ezra and Russ both got sick and it felt like we were stuck in the house for months, and then I took a walk across the street where I took a cheesy selfie just because I wanted to celebrate this brief moment of not feeling like a prisoner:

I’m going to tell you about that time I had to wait patiently for him to get in the car because he had to water all of the plants with his sippy cup.

I’m going to tell you about that time I sat in the waiting room at the doctor’s office and he looked up at the TV and I fell in love all over again

I’m going to tell you about that time he started talking on the stapler, to the Mayor, who apparently was giving him “cookie missions” in which he had to put out houses that were on fire.

I’m going to tell you how I got the flu too and drank 4 liters of ginger-ale on my own while this one kept me company.

I’m going to tell you how he fixed his truck with a wrench, a screwdriver, and a magnifying glass – and how I about died from the cute-ness and boy-ness of it.

And I’m going to tell you about how this just happened and I didn’t even say “be careful” because I was just glad that, for the moment, they were getting along.

I’m going to tell you all of these things because these are the tiny moments that make my life a beautiful mess. These are the moments I hold on to when life makes me want to scream and I feel like I can’t even really explain or tell you why.

And I want you to know that somewhere, in that mess you look at and call life, there is beauty there too. Grasp it. Hold onto it. Share it. Because it is your hope.