Confessions of an introverted wife (married to an extroverted husband)
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I have received many negative and/or concerned comments in response to this post. I re-read it a few days ago and realized that all of these comments were justified and warranted.
This post was an honest, raw vent. It was also one-sided and definitely not the fairest treatment of my husband and my marriage.
In this post, I used a lot of hyperbole, the extremest of extreme examples, and an immature writing style.
I also tend to forget that when people land on a post, it may be the only post they ever read. I tend to forget that they haven’t read the other 600+ posts on my blog that catalog the ups and downs of our marriage in a lot more balanced fashion than this post does.
Unfortunately, (and possible fortunately?) this post has gained a lot of traction on Pinterest, landing people on my blog nearly daily. This leads me to believe that there is a need for people to honestly address the topic of mismatched introvert-extrovert marriages. Many of the positive comments to this post also confirm this.
I am drafting a follow-up post (possibly even a series) on the topic. So if this is something that interests you, please take a moment on the sidebar to subscribe to “Marriage” posts or head over to Facebook to like our page “Beautiful Messy Marriage.”
One last note: I love my husband. He’s not psychotic, obsessive, abusive, or nuts. He’s incredibly good to me.
My introversion and his extroversion has definitely a point of contention within our marriage, but it hasn’t ruined us. In fact, it’s probably served to strengthen and change us more than anything. Even in the year since writing this post, we have come SO FAR in our ability to communicate our needs and desires to each other and lead a more balanced marriage in which both of our needs our met.
So please, by all means, read this post. But as you do, please keep this disclaimer and explanation in mind.
Thank you for understanding.
~Aprille
I remember exactly where I was sitting – in my parents’ van in the parking lot of their church – the moment when my future-husband (not-yet-boyfriend) told me these words, “Aprille, you and I could never be together. We are like oil and water. We would never mix.”
And yet, here we are – 10 years and 2 kids later.
He was wrong, obviously. I mean, we have to be doing something right. They say “opposites attract” – and in our case, I think it’s definitely true. Our differences (which are stark and many) complement each other well in countless different ways. He is the yin to my yang, the shot of whiskey to my glass of wine (we don’t drink – it’s a metaphor, people), the peanut butter to my chocolate…and on and on I could go. You get the point.
But on the other hand, there are sometimes I remember his words, and I think he might have been onto something.
You see, here is my honest confession as an introverted wife:
I love my husband to the moon and back. I just don’t always want to be around him.
#introvertwifeconfession: I love my husband. I just don't always want to be around him. http://wp.me/p5Ivt0-4rJ Share on X
And it’s not him, it’s me.
I mean, it kind of is him. Not because he is him, but because he is a very lonely extrovert who is very verbal about ALL THE FEELINGS and ALL THE THINGS.
Before we were married, we were up at my parent’s house one morning. I was getting dressed or something in my room, with the door shut, and he was outside knocking, saying, “APRILLE….I NEEEEEEED ATTENTION!!!!!”
This has become a running joke that we have returned back to throughout the years. Because, I mean, he was joking. Kinda. Sorta. Okay, not really.
And thus began almost-9 married years of him wanting, needing, craving interaction with me. He LOVES ME SO MUCH he wants to be with me all the time, talk to me, touch me, ask me questions, sing to me, hug me, rub me, ask me questions, and show me the 5,000,000 ways he loves me, by, like, asking me questions like, “HAVE I TOLD YOU LATELY THAT I LOVE YOU?!?!”
(Did I mention that he asks me a lot of questions?)
Oh, and because he is THE BEST HUSBAND EVER, he regularly does the dishes, helps with housework, and does things to encourage my self-care. Which is AWESOME. Except for all of the questions:
“Where does this go? What do you want me to do with this meat sitting out? It seems like we are out of bagels. Why are there 6 boxes of Cheerios again? Are you done drinking this? Does this basket go downstairs or upstairs? What is Ezra supposed to be doing right now? How can I help you feel better? Do you want me to make you some tea? Do you want to take a bath? What do you need?”
As an introvert, I was so not prepared for this. You see, I was subject to a lot of stereotypical marriage advice that basically said, “Women, you are going to desire to spend all the time with your husband. You are going to have all these feelings you want to express. You are going to want and need affection. You are going to want to cuddle and talk. Your husband is just going to speak in grunts and want sex. Then he’s going to want to be done with you. Getting affection out of him is going to be like pulling teeth.”
(I’m being facetious, but only a little.)
Add to that – I’m pretty sure that both of my parents and two out of my three brothers are all introverts. So introversion was sort of the norm for all of us.
Add to that – my husband is pretty…shall we say…intense? If you have ever met my husband or spent any time interacting with him in person, then this really needs no explanation. If not, well, I don’t really have words. So instead, I’ll just share a few pictures:
Add to that – Ezra, our 6 year old, is pretty much a carbon copy of his father, with a whole boatload of behavioral needs thrown in. He is a sensory-seeking, 5-million-questions-a-day-asking, loud, wild, fireball of a child who has ALL THE NEEDS.
It was in 2012 when I first came to grips with the fact that I’m an introvert (thank you Holley Gerth). I still carry a pretty intense interest in all things Myers-Briggs and personality typing. ISFJ describes me perfectly, and I think that’s really cool. But…NOW WHAT?
I need lots of alone time. I am a highly sensitive person who gets very easily overwhelmed by ALL stimuli (including touch, smell, sounds, crowds, and QUESTIONS). I’ve accepted the fact that I abhor wearing blue jeans, that there are certain times of the month that I can’t stand being touched, and that I need to communicate those needs to my family.
But it doesn’t really make it any less sucky.
I know that God made me this way. I know that He made my husband to be just the opposite. And I know that he put us together.
But it is really hard sometimes. For both of us.
He misses me (and all of us) when he is at work. Every single morning he mopes as he leaves the house because he wants, so desperately, to spend time with us. He loves to text me at work. One time, I counted and he had sent me 63 text messages in one day. No joke. (Then, two years later, we sat down and had a talk about boundaries. Because, I have, you know, THINGS TO DO.)
It’s not you, it’s me.
It’s not really that I don’t want to be around him. It’s that I don’t want to be around ANYONE. At all.
This past year, we had a fight (ish) because he wanted to know what I wanted for my birthday and where I wanted to go as a family. I said, “I just want to be left alone and be by myself because it’s MY BIRTHDAY. If I could spend the entire day in a hotel room by myself, I would!” Then he was ALL SAD because he wanted to spend my birthday with me. Then I felt like the worst wife ever. On my birthday.
This happens all the times. Holidays especially. Because when I hear “holiday” I’m thinking “Yay! Time for me to catch a break…take a nap…have someone else take care of the kids for once…lay on the couch and play on my phone while everyone ignores me…not cook…etc…etc…etc…” When he hears “holiday” he’s thinking “YAY! TIME TO BE WITH MY FAMILY WHO I LOVE SO MUCH! WHAT FUN THING SHOULD WE DO?!?! WHERE SHOULD WE GO?!?!? LET ME ASK MY WIFE WHO I LOVE AND ADORE SO MUCH!”
I hear you judging me right now. I hear you saying you would KILL to have a husband so invested and caring and interested and affectionate.
*heaps another pile of guilt on top of herself*
I carry a massive – I’m telling you MASSIVE – amount of guilt around all of the time about this. And not just because of other people who don’t have it as good as I do.
I carry guilt because WE WERE APART FOR WAS GONE FOR THREE YEARS. I missed him so much, and I would have KILLED to spend every waking minute with him. Just one more day. One more moment. One more hug. One more kiss. One more moment cuddling on the couch.
Now, I push him away. All the time. He goes in for a hug or a cuddle, and I jerk away because I’m overwhelmed and overstimulated and it’s just all. too. much.
And then I hate myself for it.
This is why my year pursuing whitespace was so important. This is why I don’t go to MOPS or MOMS or Bible studies anymore. I have learned that if I am going to have ANYTHING left over for him at the end of the day, I have to use the time Ezra is in school to bask in my alone-ness, watch Netflix, and recharge my introverted self for the afternoon and evening when my boys (Russ included) need so much of me.
I guess, when it comes to being an introverted mom – I am okay with saying, “GO PLAY!” especially now that the boys have each other to play with. I feel like I’ve kinda-sorta settled into my life as an introverted mama. But as an introverted wife, there’s all this guilt that comes along with it that I don’t really know how to deal with.
We communicate really well, and he is really starting to “get it” when it comes to my being introverted and needing alone time. But that doesn’t mean that HE doesn’t have HIS needs and that I need to step out of my comfort zone and, you know, actually spend time with him. It can’t always be him leaving me alone, because then it’s not a marriage.
And it’s not about love. I’m full of love!
This introverted wife is just empty of energy. Of social resources. Of whatever it is that powers a person’s ability to interact with others without feeling completely overwhelmed and overstimulated.
This post, really, is just a vent. I’m hopeful that some other introverted wives will leave some comments that say, “YES, ME TOO!” and then I won’t feel like THE WORST WIFE EVER. So, if you have any encouragement or practical advice, PLEASE leave it in the comments!
Awesome related post: Love Me Alone – Expressing love while taking a time out from the world
Book to check out: The Introvert and Extrovert in Love: Making It Work When Opposites Attract
100 Comments
Bethany W
I’m an introvert married to a HSP introvert but since I’m his love and best friend, I still get all the talking, the touching, (physical touch is one of his love languages) and all the everything.
It’s lovely but it’s tiring. 🙂 and yes my husband is also amazing because he helps me ton around the house and loves pitching in on all the “women’s work” that I was always told husbands would never pitch in on. He’s glorious and nothing like the men in the marriage advice books I read and prepared myself for before marriage b
Aprille
“lovely but tiring” – YES! This is exactly what I was trying to say!
I’m so glad I have a man who is unlike the men in marriage books. I would so much rather have it this way. But still something I wasn’t prepared for!!
Jane
I am also an introvert married to an extrovert. He recognized this early on, however, and has made an effort to protect my personal time so he can have my attention. He does introverted things with me too during my recharge time so we can be together. There are times he contents himself with cuddling with me and just reading or watching tv. He knows by doing this, he can have that dinner party or we can go out. Over the years, he has worked out the balance and the questions over fine tuning it have decreased. Communication helps with things like this.
Aprille
Jane, thank you SO MUCH for sharing! We have grown so much in our communication. Sometimes we struggle with the cuddling and watching TV thing – I LOVE it. But sometimes we will be laying there on the couch, watching a show, and he will say, “Can we cuddle?” I get so frustrated because I’m RIGHT THERE! But he equates cuddling with more physical affection (me rubbing his hair or back, or him rubbing me – but sometimes I just don’t want to be touched). I have found that it’s worse when we haven’t talked a lot, or he’s stressed or anxious. Ahhh…any tips on how to respond? How to share with him that just laying there watching TV with him truly IS quality time for me?
Dedeker
I am so glad you posted this. This describes my situation so similarly. Thank you for helping me understand the differences I have with my husband. Your honesty is very helpful. I am thankful for you.
Aprille
You are welcome. I’m glad it helped.
Becky
I totally get it! Feeling a holiday is time to finally get a teeny bit oftime to do nothing by myself and partner has huge plans for the family. Or coming down from putting kids to bed and he wants a hug cos he hasn’t seen me all day and I just do not want to be touched by anyone. And then the guilt. But then me sacrificing my alone time for family time and being resentful (and grumpy) when I don’t get any time alone and he has taken his alone time.
Aprille
Glad that someone else gets it. How are you working to make that time both for him AND for yourself without struggling with resentment and grumpiness?
Liz
Wow… this could be me writing this post!! I often feel so guilty because my poor husband wants attention from me but it’s usually at the end of the day and late into the evening before we get time alone and by then I’m so drained. Both of our kids are extroverts and still very young. It gets so overwhelming sometimes. I have taken time away alone a few times and my husband has been gracious about it. Yep. I felt guilty. But I pushed passed that because I needed it so desperately. I think recognizing our own needs as introverts is half the battle voicing them and helping our family to understand is a big part of that too.
Aprille
I agree with all of this. I will say that as we reach nearly 15 years of marriage, my husband’s understanding of this need of mind has really developed. So has the understanding of my kids. The whole family works hard to make sure that I get alone time. I think they have all realized that I am a better wife and mom when I get a chance to refill. It’s very hard for them to understand it conceptually (because the opposite is true for them), but they are really trying. As my kids have gotten older (they are 12 and 7 now), making time for mom to be alone is also easier, because they are more self-sufficient and it’s easier for my husband to manage them when I’m gone – be it for an hour while I walk with friends, or an afternoon or time alone while they play at the park. Keep advocating for your needs. Keep pouring from that empty vessel – because God can multiply what little you have.
Amanda
Not only am I an introvert married to an extrovert, but I am also a mental health therapist. To my defense, we married and had a child later in life so I had the career prior. But most days, I have nothing, NOTHING to give at the end of the day. Once our daughter is put to bed, I need a whole hour of not talking or someone needing something. Communication is key to making sure everyone’s needs get met. Sometimes I fall short but we keep working at it.
Aprille
How do you prioritize your self-care? Do you have any tips?
Amanda
My first thought is that old cliche, “You have to find balance.” But I will be the first to admit that I am not good at balancing. Self-care IS the priority for me. It has to be because if I’m not good then I cannot possibly care for anyone else. For me, it’s about being in tune with myself (mind and body) and communicating with my partner about what I need from him (we don’t have any family where we live). Sometimes that communication comes in the form of yelling that he doesn’t do enough but we get it worked out. Luckily, I’m a homebody and so I do like being at home and doing some of the domestic things. Being a mom who works outside the home 45 hours a week or more will make you enjoy being home! My house is a wreck most days and I might not get a shower every single day because I choose to lay in bed an extra 45 min but no one has to know that:) Anyway, long story short, making yourself a priority isn’t about being selfish. Chances are if you take time for yourself each day, you won’t need that much time in the grand scheme of things. And you are worth it!
Amanda
Oh, P.S., since I left this out: I take an hour to myself each day, sometimes more depending. This might be in the morning if I wake up before everyone else OR in the evening once my daughter is in bed. I do whatever I feel like doing and it’s all for me. It’s not cleaning, organizing, etc, unless that’s what I really want to do. Mostly it’s watching stuff on YouTube or stalking blogs or catching up with friends on the phone (I don’t do social media) or any dorky thing I feel like doing. Ha ha!
Aprille
I love this! What sort of stuff do you like to watch on Youtube? For me, I try to take time every day to watch an episode of my favorite show on Netflix or Amazon Prime.
Aprille
THANK YOU So much for sharing! What kind of job do you have? Is your job an emotional drain? How do you recharge?
MJ Thompson
HI Aprille,
I can’t really believe you’re posting this. If you need to vent, vent to your husband, not the WORLD. If you’re expecting him to tone down what is natural to him (the extroversion) then it is only fair for you to go out of your comfort zone, too, and interact with him. Even when you don’t FEEL like it. That’s really the answer on HOW to do this– you just make the decision,even when you don’t FEEL like it.
If God put you two together, then he has already given you the ability to be Russ’s wife. So just walk forward in that and be that kind of wife for Russ. God will bless your obedience.
Blessings,
MJ
Megan Kaiser
YES, ME TOO! Also, he has worked at home– for 3 years. When he is not at work, I am always…on…call. I love that, I love being the person he wants/needs. But I am right there with you, that hotel room by myself sounds like a dream. My sweet husband understands…to a point and then he has a hard time not being disappointed and making me feel awful. ( Can you tell I also dump a ton of guilt on myself too? ) Ugh. He is definitely my sweetheart, we are supposed to be together. Honestly when you were describing your husband I was thinking, this sounds like Josh (my husband). ROFL Anyway, I’ve babbled now…but I SO UNDERSTAND.
Aprille
I am SO glad that someone else gets it. I know when my husband was unemployed for a short time, or when he was home on terminal leave at the end of his time in the Army – oooh those were some tough days. Just because I was used to my routine and space, and he was constantly wanting to do things at different times!
April
Yes! That’s me! Your article made me laugh bc that’s me exactly! Bless us all 🙂
Vanessa Raphael
No no no, this is not extrovert but weird behavior. Sorry but I’m an extrovert and I am married to someone less extrovert than me and he is also asking those questions- but not that intensely. I think it has to do with culture. Here in Norway we are very quite, shy and political correct (stuff all that!) and severe tall puppy syndrome controlling each other.
We don talk to strangers in the streets and we shy away from people, which for me is what I hate.
When I became I Christian my Christian friends would not let me be so outspoken about Jesus and the glad message. My introverted friends would shoosh me down and I would get depressed. People seem to hate peoples who are happy and confident.
When you talk about your husband he doesn’t seem like a typical extrovert- every extrovert have filters like anyone else and can determine what they talk about.
Sorry to be frank but your husband sounds like a big kid who didn’t get boundaries when he was little, cause extroverts doesn’t equal Ace Ventura.
Extroverts are not idiots. We are usually optimistic and those who usually likes to hold is back are (pessimistic) introverts.
But in your case it seems like you are normal and he is on stereoids haha.
Aprille
Vanessa, I have an honest question. How much time have you spent on my blog? Or is this the only post you have read?
Marie
I am an introvert too and I understand that people who are extroverts are different and have different needs. But I agree with Vanessa in the sense that some points your are giving in this post are not really “normal”. Writing 63 text messages in a day is not a normal behavior, this is a needy behavior. I am really not saying this in a mean way or judging way. But you don’t have to feel guilty for wanting some alone time. It seems like your husband needs reassurance all the time and doesn’t have healthy boundaries. I can tell that because I had some similar problem in the past though I am an introvert. There’s no judgment in my comment, I am saying that so that you could consider the problem on a different angle and bring some help. I might be wrong as well.
Your post was very interesting beside of that. Thank you for writing it.
Blessings, Marie 🙂
Aprille
Well that’s not the norm. He’s improved a lot, I think this year especially. Planning a follow up post to explain things a little better.
Tammy
He is like a kid still, but in a man’s body….I’m an extrovert, and I had to learn how to pull back my excitement of certain things and beliefs. Just saying that there needs to be balance from you both, and God is the only way to achieve this goal.
Aprille
I totally agree. And he really is learning these things. We both are. It just takes time!!
Cassandra
A lot of this. My husband does amazing respecting my need for downtime, and right now, I am able to structure in downtime with my infant son (we nap together in the morning, even if it’s just me on Pinterest while he sleeps in my arms.) But I still have work in the evenings, until we can have me home permanently (soon?) and I just don’t get things done. And I know my son will soon progress from coos and giggles to an adorable and yet constant stream of chatter, and I’m afraid of how I will cope. Will I love every moment, or will I feel drained. Will I ever get my home in order? I feel like a failure. And I avoid just about every social gathering.
And I dread church. I dread having people even near me. I dread the small talk. I dread the people that descend like vultures to coo and fawn over and touch my son (also Ezra). I dread the people coming to ask the same questions about him that they asked the previous week. (No, his ear is fine. That’s a birthmark. As I told you last week. No, he still isn’t sleeping through the night. Yes, he’s a “good” baby. Pray tell, what exactly is a “bad” baby?)
I hate dreading church. I hate the feelings I have towards these people. And I hate that I can’t keep up with my home. I feel like a failure as a Christian and as a wife, which reflects on me as a Christian.
So no, it’s not just you.
Aprille
Cassandra, wow…so many feels with this comment.
I will tell you this, when your son starts chattering away, yes, you probably will feel overwhelmed and drained. I know I do. My Ezra is 6 now, so inquisitive and curious. Asks questions non-stop. I admit to not handling this well. However, what I try to do is just be honest with him. I tell him when I am feeling overwhelmed by his talking/questions and ask him for quiet sometimes. Then, I try to make sure that I end the day on a good note with him, by lying in bed with him for a SHORT time and allowing him to talk freely. My Ezra is smart, but I think kids do have the capacity as they grow to understand that moms have needs too. My son understand my introvertism because we have talked about it extensively. He knows about my “bubble,” understands that sometimes mommy needs quiet, etc. That doesn’t mean that he walks around the house on eggshells. He’s loud and talkative and never shuts up, but at least sometimes I can ask him for quiet and he understands.
It’s hard to keep ones home in order, especially when you have kids. I think that’s just a never-ending struggle. I recently posted some videos to my facebook page about how I (try to) keep up with my house. You can watch them here:
https://www.facebook.com/beautyinhistime/videos/1214069732002157/
https://www.facebook.com/beautyinhistime/videos/1237171373025326/
As for church, that’s a hard one. I think as your baby grows, things might get easier. New babies are sort of a novelty at church. If it really is bothering you so much, maybe show up late and leave early? I know, that sounds awful, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do!!!
Max
I’m definitely more like husband and my wife is the introvert. We make it work. I have my hobbies that I do alone though so it allows her to have some alone time. She needs more though and I understand that.
Aprille
I am glad that you have found something that works for you! What are your hobbies?
Nichole
Thank you so much for this post! It was as if I was reading my own story! I’m constantly feeling guilty and broken and it helps me immensely to know that I am not alone in this.
Aprille
So glad it helped!
Mark
Hi Aprille,
Could you advise more on how you meet his needs and what the mental process was around that? I read your blog and found it interesting and would like to know more what things I can do to help my spouse. All the books on Marriage say that together time is super important, but for you and others how do you ensure a strong Marriage? I welcome every and all ideas. Best regards
Aprille
A few ideas:
Watching TV shows (we love to binge-watch shows on netflix, a few episodes each evening). When we watch TV shows, we are cuddling on the couch. I am meeting his physical needs but also getting a “break” from interact that is more exhausting (such as conversation).
We also enjoy hiking – even gentle hiking on trails. We are spending time together, maybe talking a bit, but also have a little bit of space to think.
Open communication is really huge, too. Let your spouse know you are struggling with interactions because of how you are wired.
Jen
Omg I heart you.
Aprille
Aw thanks
Angie
I’m crying now after reading your story. Thank you so much for bravely sharing it. I am basically married to a man who is exactly like you inside and I am having the hardest time dealing with it. When I am excited to do something, he never is. When we go to weddings or parties, he always wants to be the first person to leave. He would always rather be doing something alone then with me. He doesn’t want to get together with his friends on his birthday… and what you said about holidays is SPOT ON! that must be exactly what he is thinking lol. As long as I try my best to be understanding and accommodating, he says he is very happy in our relationship, but the problem is, I am extremely lonely and don’t feel connected with him or like he enjoys me. I would love to know how things work for you in your relationship via providing happiness for your extroverted husband. You are still together, so you must be doing something right.
Aprille
It’s hard, but it’s a lot of give and take. For example, while my older son is in school I REALLY try to prioritize alone time…I let everything go – even the house, laundry, etc. I watch TV, nap, just do anything I can to be quiet and still. I wait til my son is home from school and then crisis clean – OR ask him to help. He knows that if he helps me out with housework, he has a better shot of getting cuddle time with me in the evening or weekend. I have been more aggressive about asking him for alone time – and he’s been really great about giving it to me. Even knowing I have 2 hours alone to look forward to on Saturday morning makes me much more willing to be giving of my time and emotional energy during the evenings. Communication is key. We are coming up on 10 years in March, and each year we learn each other better and learn how to communicate better and better. Managing expectations. I do plan to write a follow up post to this post in the next few weeks. So I hope that will shed some more light on how we make it all work. It IS work, and I think this is our biggest struggle as a couple, aside from differences in our parenting styles.
Tron C
Great reflection! I don’t have any practical advice, but your story is so much a mirror of my own. My husband is the most loving, giving, affectionate, always communicating his feelings type of husband. I could not have asked for a more caring husband and friend, but oftentimes it is just so overwhelming. With three children under 5, the oldest who is just like his father, sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and hide. I have come to the conclusion as much as I would love to be able to be constant stimuli for my husband, I can’t be my best self, or even my half best self, without my alone time. With three littles at home with me I am trying to find a balance, but have yet to reach that happy compromise. Praying for all of us introverts that God’s grace would lead us to that sweet spot!
Aprille
It’s really nice to hear I’m not the only one who deals with this because sometimes I feel like I’m just crazy or there is something wrong with me. I’ve been ruminating on this post for the last YEAR and plan to do a follow up with a little bit more practical advice for introverted wives and moms, as opposed to this post which was just more of a vent/confession. I hope you’ll follow or subscribe so that when I finally get around to writing that post, you’ll be able to read it!!!
M
You’ve just described exactly my life. Unfortunately my husband isn’t as understanding and our differences are putting a huge strain on our relationship. I work full time and get basically zero downtime or alonetime. 2 kids 6 and 2. Just drained in every way possible
Aprille
I feel you. And I can so attest to the struggle, especially with kids of those ages (mine are currently 7 and 2). I think it DOES get better as the kids get older. I do plan on writing a follow-up “survival guide” type post for introverted wives. (Eventually!) I hope you will stick around to read it!
Learning Mom
2 years in a row my birthday present has been a night away at a hotel BY MYSELF! and it has been amazing. and i’m going to keep it going as long as i can. my husband has high alone time needs so he understands, which is super helpful, but he gets his alone time needs met since he is a student with a variable class schedule and i work full time and our son is in school. i recommend doing the hotel thing. we still have a little family birthday party with cake and stuff on or around my birthday. and my hotel getaway is usually just near my birthday. i’m blessed because my parents help out with supporting this too! i guess it’s really obvious that i’m tired and drained…????. Make it happen… it’s fantastic.
Aprille
It’s on my bucket list! We need to get out of debt first, but then – YES! Maybe for my 2019 birthday. Or Mother’s Day!
Frances
Oh boy, I really get this. I think communication is the best advice. We all have different ways of recharging. My husband comes home at night and wants to talk a mile a minute and get allllllll the physical attention. I am all worn out from eleventy-million questions (and physical touch is pretty in demand still) from the children, 4, 7, and 9 years. It is better than it used to be; like your child they have been trained that occasionally it must be quiet. My kids don’t nap any more, but we have quiet time most afternoons. It is as helpful for the children to be apart as it is necessary for me. I definitely understand the guilt. I am sure there have been days I received upwards of 63 texts. LOL
I think working together on chores is a fantastic way to manage some of the together time with children. It means we’re both occupied, they’re learning, and questions are less frivolous. My girls are a bit older, but they know how to pick up, start a load of laundry, make lunch, sweep, clean off and set the table, etc. Mothering is hard work, but rewarding. God bless you!
Aprille
This is FABULOUS advice. I agree – COMMUNICATION has been SO key for us. Just yesterday I got frustrated with him because he came in the door and (as he normally does) immediately went into “take charge” mode and was talking and instructing before even saying hello. But then he and I had this whole conversation about WHY he does this, why he feels like he needs to do this, what this accomplishes for him, and how we can make it work better. 10 years married and I finally get it! LOL
Also, YES, doing household chores or cleaning together has become a really awesome time for us. We have some of our best conversations in this situation.
Kate
Thank you for making me feel normal. I’m married to the most perfect man for me, two sons, 2 & 3 1/2. We’ve just had Christmas then 14 of us family on holiday & I just want a dark cave. I’ve told my perfect dream man I think divorce is the only solution which seems ludicrous. He does so much for our kids & me but I can only dream of spending a full day or evening alone. I’ve drowned already. I don’t want to ruin my boys or husbands lives yet I’m genuinely happy when I’m alone
Aprille
I think there is a solution that does not involve divorce. Work on communicating your needs to him – as well as taking time to meet his needs. Sometimes, a day or two alone will help refresh your perspective. My husband was gone for 5 weeks in May and I was SO glad when he came home!
Queen
Thank you for posting this. This is my life. I have 4 children and have been married for 18 years in June. My husband is an extrovert exactly like your husband and our marriage is strained sometimes because our household is constantly humming, my husband works 2nd shift, and many times I’m sleep when he comes home. He’s not getting his fix of affection and because I have the kids my alone time is limited or nonexistent. When the weekend comes when we are both off he wants all my time and I want to be alone most of the weekend. Usually we don’t get either because of kid obligations on the weekends as well. We started planning lunch on Fridays together, but somehow ended up being everyday that graded my nerves a bit, but if I cancel he gets upset. We recently learned more about the introvert, extrovert traits and have tried to help feed each other’s needs. I’m glad we are learning. I believe he thought I was being selfish and I thought he was just super needy. Still trying to figure things out. He’s super affectionate, wants to be touching me or laying on me, or me touching him as much as possible. I on the other hand am content not touching at all but just having him in the same room. We are so far on opposite ends of the spectrum. I understand the texting….mine doesn’t text that much, but I’m sure we talk at least 3 times on the phone and conversate through hangouts my whole shift. His feelings are hurt if 2-3 hours go by without communication. Because I’m ok with being alone and not talking to anyone, this does not bother me. I am fine with not having my phone or a computer close by. And yes, I’ve asked to be left alone as my gift for my birthday as well. Anyways, thank you for posting and making me feel not so alone with this.
Aprille
Glad to know I’m not alone. Just this week we were talking about the texting thing. His job is a lot busier these days and he will get caught up in work, but he still expressed sadness that the whole day will go by without him hearing from me at all. Trying to up my texting game to stay engaged with him throughout the day!
Kel
I have never, ever responded to an article before, but here it goes. I, too, am a real introvert, and highly sensitive. My hubs and I have been married 25 years and have 4 kids. He is an extrovert, but not the same kind as your husband. The ENTIRE marriage has been difficult, and it is more that he can not grasp why I am the way I am. God made me like this, and my entire life has been a series of lessons I am learning to realize what words define these traits in me. I’m glad for you that your husband wants your attention – I have grieved all these years that he doesn’t want to spend time with me. And my children have grown up feeling the same way because he doesn’t even know them. He doesn’t care about any of us, and every interaction we have with him is venomous. He has never even thrown a football with any of his sons. We are a “Christian” family, but the hypocrisy of their dad professing to be a “Christian” and yet exhibiting no love or tenderness, toward us, or anyone, is harmful. I talk extensively with my kids about God – we avoid conversations with him about God, because he tries to beat us over the head with the bible, and it is not good.
I have covered for him for years, and I just won’t anymore. I can’t imagine that God really expects me to share the rest of my life with someone who is just devoid of basic kindness. It is abusive. I wish he would just punch me so people would see a mark. The marks on my spirit are worse than anything that could show on my skin. It is absolute poison to live with someone who seems to be a fake Christian. And, yet, God has not allowed me to leave.
So, I guess I wrote to you to support you, because I first read the disclaimer on the front end that you added later, and I can’t fault you for just putting your side out there. I get my energy sucked out pretty quickly too, and every fight we have just makes it worse. You, at least, can talk openly, and he knows you are the way you are, and he just LOVES YOU!! I have been unloved for 25 years. Good luck to you!
Aprille
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Our marriage has taken a lot of hard work and we have been in and out of marriage counseling for several years of our marriage. I highly recommend seeking professional help.
Lori
I AM AN INTROVERT. Maybe on the spectrum, idk. I GET IT. My husband IS ON ALL THE TIME. So many times I just want to cry, I cant explain this feeling of being an empty tube of toothpaste, of being so overwhelmed with demands, with the “LOOK AT ME, TALK TO ME, LETS GO DO SOMETHING”. Its nearly too much for me…
Aprille
(hugs) you are not alone!
Gail
Do you know what your husbands MBTI is? I’m just curious, I’m a hyper extroverted gal dating an ISFJ guy….????
Aprille
I think he’s ENTJ but when he takes the tests he has also come up ENFP and ENTP. So definite on the E, pretty sure on the N, the other two may be a tossup and may depend on the situation. There’s no doubt with mine though definitely ISFJ!
Sharon
YES MA’AM! Me all the way! I often wonder if I am meant to be a wife, but I remain encouraged! I love my husband and my 8 month old son. Its definitely been a challenge. Esp since we live in a one bedroom and his mother is here living with us too. An introverts nightmare! A test of my patience and faith! Thanks for sharing! Pray all is well with you and yours!
Aprille
Wow that’s a lot to handle. Hope that grace and strength (and a few trips out of the house by yourself!) help you through this time!
marie
Thanks so much for sharing. I feel exactly the same all my life and I thought the years would ease what I call my pain. If I don’t get my time alone its like having pain like soar muscles for the entire soul. I work those 50 hours or more a week, leading teams, commutes 3 hours each day, cook, repairs the house and all the etc…and crash when the weekend arrives. My husband is also the best loving, romantic partner, he just wants to spend every minutes with for me and his ready for going out every night.
Aprille
Sore muscles! That’s exactly what it’s like!
Ben Job
Hey great post. Brings alot of light on your situation. However, I have realized introverts can be extroverts when they want to. I go through the exact same thing with my girlfriend. However, I realize when I withdraw a bit and give her space she becomes an extrovert. So people can be what they want when they want to.
The only way that works for me and my girlfriend who CHOOSE to be an introvert, is give her space, and allow her to come to me. In the meantime I become an introvert and focus on myself and go to the gym, do other projects to develop myself, and allow her to desire to visit my space. When she visits my space, we both are extroverts together.
Matching her energy with mines. Thats one of the techniques with alot of communication as well so neither of us over do it.
Aprille
You can’t choose to be an introvert or extrovert. Extroverts gain energy from being around people. Introverts are drained. You can’t really change that. Introverts can be talkative, social, and more – and work to enjoy being around people more. However, they will always need to find ways (even the smallest of ways) to re-charge after being around people.
My Name
I feel the same way! My husband is extroverted and is full of questions, so much so that if I am bothered by something I usually don’t tell him. He will ask 5,000 questions constantly reminding me, therefore causing me to worry until the matter is resolved. Our daughter is introverted like me….thank goodness. When she was 4 she could sense when I got annoyed or tired of questions. I used to have a very stressful job and would come home and they both would jump me as soon as I walked in! Both fighting for attention talking over one another. I remember saying ‘will y’all just leave me alone for a minute!!’ Then I would feel so guilty because they just missed me. We have been married for 13 years and he gets me….now. He gives me alone time, when he gets home from work and wants to talk and I don’t, he will find neighbors to talk too about cars and boats! He is thankful I am not needy like a lot of wives and I let him have his hobbies and friends. I find myself dodging his hugs or ignoring him sometimes. But I snap myself out of it or give him extra attention later and he’s fine. We balance each other out and he knows when to give me space so we make a great team!
Aprille
I so feel you. I wrote this 2 years ago and we’ve made a lot of strides since then in how we communicate and make our marriage work.
Wendy
Me too! Except my husband is just a brilliant extrovert and vocalizes every thought that comes into his head. Sometimes he edits but he does it mid way through the sentence which makes it even worse sometimes. Add bright light, loud music and just loud sounds in general and I am toast. And I feel his need for my love and attention and when I can’t meet his every need it hurts me. We are not alone in this!
Aprille
Wendy that’s exactly how my husband is. He’s definitely an “external processor” and I’ve had to learn not to take seriously everything he says!
Elzetter Norris
I so can relate as an introverted wife/mom/daughter/sister/grandaughter/aunt/friend…. it impacts all in my life…yes the guilt is crippling.
Anna
Hi! I came across your post (a godsend), as my birthday is coming up and I’m guilt-tripping over the same birthday dilemma you described above! Except that this time, I’m not as brave as you were… I’ve told my extroverted husband that I would prefer a ‘simple and uncomplicated day’, which is to head into office like normal and just have a nice dinner (partial truth). The full truth is that I would much rather spend the day alone, but I didn’t want to say this and then have to deal with his sadness and more guilt! Have had to deal with similar situations , so let’s just say I would like to ‘pick my battles’, hehe..
Thank you for writing this, even if it was back in 2016 – it really helps to know that I’m not alone in thinking/feeling this way, and I’m sure it will continue to encourage other introverted ladies too. 🙂
Aprille
How did your birthday go? I have found with my husband that it has helped to “work your way up” to more time alone. Rather than asking for a full day off, start with an hour-long bath or a short trip to coffee all by yourself. I have learned to appreciate even the smallest of escapes and also learned how to utilize them to “fill up” in spite of how short they may be.
Lara
Wow. I just read this and I’m an extrovert married to an introvert. It’s just as hard for us to not take the introverts need for quiet personally. Like if I don’t talk I will explode. I feel filled and connected by talking, touching, hugging etc. And if he’s overstimulated and overwhelmed I get so frustrated with him and hurt feelings. This was helpful to read though and know that introverts just need space (you still love us loud mouths) – good learning opportunity for extroverts to get our talking needs met somewhere else and respect boundaries. It’s soooo hard! Thanks for the post 🙂
Aprille
I really love hearing your perspective. I know it hurts when introverts pull away and I hate it. Cuz I truly love my husband just like I’m sure you love yours! Thanks for sharing!!
Dorothy
I just realized lately that in order to not feel guilty I needed to forgive myself and to forgive my husband for being so needed. This is what helps me with my introverted self. Thank you for your post. I feel you.
Aprille
Yes. It’s hard but it’s ok to be me. And it’s ok for him to be him. It may not always be easy.
MDial
I feel like I just read my own thoughts… word for word ????
Callie
YES!! This is so me! I totally get where you are coming from, we have 3 kids, 2 of whom are more introverted the other one very much extroverted. We have friends that we vacation with that are very extroverted and it is soooo hard, and I also feel guilty, so guilty. I always feel like the party pooper, even though I know it is just me. You are definitely not alone!
Dana Redlich
Yes me too!
Jeremy
This is my wife right here, we’ve only been married and living together for 2 months and I really don’t understand the “space” thing. I’m trying my best. But it often feels like I receive no affection or attention. She tells me in the mornin she loves me as I’m closing her car door for her to go to work. It seems as for our kids shes extremely lovin affectionate and I’m just someone there. So I’ve read and read and your article I will use as my thought process.
Aprille
I hope it helps. Communication is key!!
arvetta krumm
My husband and i are similiar to you two, but now as empty nesters he doesnt have the kids for companions and seeks more of my attention because he doesnt like to be alone, we struggle more now, i work more hours at a daycare and am emotionally and physically drained when i get home, and he just wants to spend the evening with me, and i want to be alone, i try to explain it, but he doesnt understand that it take longer than an hour or two to regenerate.
Dee
I can so relate. Thanks for sharing. I too have struggled to guard my quiet time. It’s how I get filled. Hubby gets filled on the phone, TV, youth group at church, family texts etc. I have a flip phone and no texting 🙂
Hugs to you. You may like a book my Dr recommended called Quiet, being an introvert in an extrovert world.
Peace be with you.
Aprille
That sounds like a fabulous book!
Jay C.
Hi,
This was a good read. I have to give you a lot of credit for putting yourself out there considering how much a person like you would rather keep things like this so private. I am extrovert dating an introvert. We have been together for 4.5 years now. I love her to no end and would chop off my arm for her. The best thing about her is that she is my balance. While I am an intense person her introverted ways help me stay grounded. When we do argue it never gets out of hand. Well I might, she never does. I love doing things with her, I love spending time with her and her kids. But things have changed over the last 5 months and it is been extremely frustrating.
Let me start by saying that the first 4 years were unbelievable. Every aspect of our relationship was great. We met while I was working in the state where she lived so when we first started dating she was 800 miles away. We only saw each other 2 weeks a month, but in those 2 week we spent 75% of the time together. She eventually got a job and moved to within driving distance of where I lived and we started to see each other every weekend. Fast forward 1.5 years and I got a client that I was able to do more work remote. Our relationship was budding and awesome, the bond with her daughters was great and every aspect of our live was great. Handholding, hugging, cuddling, texting, communicating, saying she loved me was never an issue. So with that my girlfriend and I spoke and I decided that I would move out to where she lived. I got an apartment out here but to be honest I basically lived at her house. For a year things continued to go well, we were seeing each other more and all the intimate and affectionate aspects were still strong.
Until about 5 months ago. Over time the texts were becoming less frequent, the hugs, kisses, cuddling was non existent. We haven’t been intimate in months. At first I freaked the f@ck out and thought she was having an affair because I honestly didn’t know she was an introvert. I mean we were going out all the time, spending time with people, it never seemed like she was having the “hangover”. When she told me she was an introvert, I was like, okay I get it, I like to unplug some times and be away from people, I hate when people call me, etc. I took the myers briggs personality test and I was a3% extrovert so believe me I get it. So like the ENFJ I am I freaked out and we got into a fight and it as you would expect it didn’t go well. After I settled down, we talk. She told me “it’s not you, it’s me” and she told me she loved me and didn’t want our relationship to end. I asked her if she was still “In love” with me she said she didn’t know because she didn’t feel she was showing it. No idea what that means. At that point I did see she felt guilty about everything in her face. To her credit she has been on work overload. I mean 60-70 hours weeks with meetings being 50% of day, people in her office all day lone, working every Saturday and Sundays she doesn’t have the kids. I would probably need recharge time myself. I would probably wouldn’t want to be around anyone either.
We talked a few months ago and decided that we would go back to only see each other on the weekend. She me told she need the extra days during the week to recharge. At first I was like, WTF, but as I started reading more about introversion I got it. I kept my mouth shut with the hopes that if she got some recharge days without me and without the kids, things would get better but it hasn’t. In fact it seems to be getting worse. It seems like there is no end to the solitude that she needs. When she is with me, she doesn’t sleep with me she sleeps on the couch. When the kids are there on that weekend she will sleep with them and not with me. 2 weeks ago she was taking one of her daughters shopping and leaving the other one home with me. She hugged and kissed her other daughter goodbye then walked right past me like I wasn’t even there? At what point is it where it is no longer her being an introvert and there being a problem with the relationship. I miss her so much but I hate to say it but it’s really starting to feel like a mind game to see how far she can go and I am about ready to just throw in the towel and move on.
Laurie
I’m reading this way after you originally posted it and even after the update. But I can’t describe how amazing it was to find someone else who feels and experiences things the way I do!! This is SO similar to my marriage!! I love my wonderful husband so much!! But even though he tries hard to understand me and give me some alone time, he can’t help viewing my lack of “adequate” interaction or excitement to be together as a very personal insult and rejection! I do understand that to an extent, and am working so hard to try to understand him and meet his needs, but it is nevertheless nice to know that I’m not the only woman that feels like the worst wife in the world!! To make matters worse, btw, we have even been to marriage counseling but with a highly extroverted counselor who basically agreed with my husband that I had emotional “issues” with intimacy. I really hope the world of psychology and counseling will soon awaken to the up and coming “introvet revolution” and realize the importance and reality of personality differences!!! Anyway, thanks for sharing!!!!!
Aprille
A great book to read is Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. It’s a little heavy (I listened to it as an audiobook – I don’t know if I would have made it through the whole thing otherwise!) but very good!
Cody
I would never normally reply to a post but the comments here seem to be an echo chamber, and as a husband and father I feel the desire to add a perspective to the conversation.
The comments feed on this blog post from a husband’s point of view is extremely sad to read. Many of you seem (I say seem because I do not know you) to think of your husband as another one of your children rather than your life partner. You seem to be conflating many male/female differences with introvert/extrovert differences, and many of you seem to completely misunderstand what it is to be an extrovert.
#1 I have to agree with many of the commenters, that the behavior of the author’s husband does not seem as extroverted to me as needy. I call these kinds of people a dependapotamus. I say this as an extremely extroverted husband of an extreme introvert wife. Extroverts don’t get their social fix by spending copious amounts of time with the same person constantly. That is not the behavior of a social person. Your husband relies on you the way a child relies on their mother. A mature extroverted man would have many friends and acquaintances to fill that need. The good news is that a man can overcome this bizarre behavior, but he has to see it as a personal weakness of his before he can address it. Believe me, if the behavior you have described is as extreme as you’ve painted it to be, then the behavior is not a personality trait, but a weakness and a failure to grow up into a mature man. Those of you who described your husband’s similarly might consider that you enable and encourage this behavior when you treat your husband like another one of your children. Treat a man the way you expect a mature man to be, and he might rise to the occasion. If you determine that your husband acts like a child therefor you will treat him like one, you guarantee that he will either never grow up or grow to resent you.
#2 Men are quite different from women. I have many introverted male friends and know many introverted females and they manifest themselves extremely differently. Introverted men act in almost the exact same nature as extroverted men, but as a general rule they talk less. This is because men socialize through activities in general. They want to share an experience with each other. My introverted friends have no problem going on a last minute camping trip or guy’s bowling night. Just don’t expect them to talk it up. Women on the other hand socialize through talking. They get together and have drinks, or coffee and they chat. Because of this it is much more difficult for an introverted lady to socialize without the pressure of speaking. – In other words, your husband doesn’t want to fill every weekend and holiday with a family activity because he is an extrovert, but because he is a MAN. The extroversion may lead him to speak throughout the activity, but even an introverted husband is going to be much more ambitious about filling the family calendar with activities than the average lady, especially an introverted one. As an extroverted man it doesn’t bother me when my introverted friends come bowling, and don’t say 3 words the entire time. Even though I would enjoy talking to them, as a man I also enjoy just getting out and doing something with them, so I appreciate them as bowling partners even though they are terrible conversationalists. Try spending fewer evenings on the couch with your husband and more doing family activities. You may find that you can endure a family game of corn hole (bean bag toss) or back yard bad mitten if you don’t have to speak or engage in conversation. He may find that he doesn’t need the conversation when you’re doing something. I honestly think many of you are conflating your husband’s boredom with neediness. Introverted men get bored as well, they just don’t talk enough for you to know it.
#3 Let’s talk about what it is to be an extrovert (from someone who actually is one) outside of the conversation of gender. Extroverts are not inherently needy. We’re just not! Extroverts do two things that make us seem to introverts as needy. . . #1 our first feelings on any given decision or issue are usually clear and understood by us almost immediately. Once an extrovert has come to a conclusion, very rarely, does their mind change unless new facts or information are revealed. Even then the new information is analyzed quickly and a new decision is formed almost immediately. This is generally true for men and women who are extroverted. . . #2 What you as introverts do in your head, we as extroverts do out loud. If you need to think about it, we need to talk about it. We are typically audible leaners. This is why you love online classes and we fail them. I remember being able to sit through college lectures, never take a note and ace the exams, but when I tried my hand at online classes I failed again and again. In one environment I seemed like a genius, in the other a failure.
Because of these 2 things, introverts tend to see extroverts as needy and impetuous. In reality we are deliberately concise about processing information, but excruciatingly long winded when we are trying to work through something. That is because we have to talk it out, run through the scenario and hear our own thoughts out loud. You as introverts do the exact same thing, you just do it in your head. You run through every scenario up and down a thousand times, and once you’ve come to a conclusion you’re settled, and you don’t need to talk about it. When your extroverted husband wants to have a 20 minute conversation about the nuance of existence, it’s because this is literally the first time he’s ever really thought about it. That’s because unlike you, if he’s never talked about it, he’s never thought much about it. Extroverts don’t have a vivid or clean place in their head to think through things. Going into our heads is often not going to lead to clarity but to depression.
In conclusion. . . Your husbands no doubt need to take into account your needs and natures as introverts and adjust to them in ways that allow you to thrive. That being said, every shortcoming, weakness, and oddity of your husband should not be laid at the foot of his extroverted leanings. Simply put, time spent socially engaged with other people recharges your husband. Beyond that, your differences are the result of gender, upbringing, experience, personal preference etc.
If your husband is struggling with the things that the author’s wife is, I would recommend they join a local gym, recreational sport or any venue where they will be challenged and sharpened by other men. Men desperately need a group of men in their life to call them out on their shortcomings and challenge them to be better versions of men.
If you read this thanks for taking the time.
Aprille
Thank you for your insight and input. My husband definitely could use some male friends, and I know that would help. Unfortunately, it just hasn’t happened that way in his life.
I wrote a follow-up that’s more balanced and accurate it its portrayal. I hope you take the time to read it: #nofilter: how to be married to an external processor
Heather
Yes! I understand this COMPLETELY! My husband is the most wonderful man ever and I feel like the absolute worst wife because I need some time away from him. I’m an elementary teacher so when I get home at the end of the day I’m just done and have hardly any left for him. We’ve been married 12 years and he still struggles to understand. Then, like you said, the guilt comes because I know there are wives who would love to have a husband like mine. I literally live with guilt all the time and feel like there must be something wrong with me. I’ve tried constantly to make him understand and he says he does and will try next time, but then when the next time comes he gets frustrated and I have to try explaining again. I can’t count how many times I’ve explained my desperate need for alone time. I think if I could just stop feeling guilty it would be a lot better. I’m just not entirely sure how to stop feeling guilty.
Aprille
I think that comes with time, a lot of communication, a lot of compromise. I’ve learned how to advocate for my own need for alone time (without tooo much guilt) as well as try harder to meet his needs as well. I wrote this two years ago and have definitely seen some improvement. I think it will always be a struggle issue for us, but we continue to commit to working through it.
Aprille
I’ve also worked to try to meet my need for alone time during the day while he’s at work while my kids are at preschool. That wasn’t an option two years ago when our baby was still an infant. I treasure the 3.5 hours I get 4 days a week completely to myself and guard them VERY carefully. I know that may not be an option for you. But finding pockets of alone time (even small ones) makes a big difference.
Kim
Oh so that’s what is going on with me..i thought i was losing my mind…i wish my husband understood this but he doesnt…he hates being alone. I miss alone time so much..i have a toddler with me 24/7. Sooo overwhelmed. Thank you for sharing.
Shayna Dunn
So, I read the whole post, introduction, post, and comments, and boy do I feel validated! I used to hush my chatty 4 year old daughter, not because I didn’t want to interact with her, but because I just couldn’t stand to hear another noise from anyone or anything! (She’s 9 now.) TREMENDOUS guilt for that one!!!!! I sometimes still try to avoid my husband, not because I don’t want to be with him, but because I haven’t been with just myself at all for daaaays, and he wants to be with me literally 24/7.
I solved the problem with my daughter almost completely but cutting out some stimuli. The less external stimuli I have, the more clear my brain is, the more I’m emotionally and mentally available to listen to and to chit chat with her. I WANT to chit chat with her, so I made it a priority. I still haven’t figured out what to do to find some balance with my husband. I don’t thinking cutting back on other stimuli is going to give me balance there!
Thank you for your honesty. It has made me feel like I have normal reactions to normal circumstances.
Marcie
Thank you so much! I have lived this daily for 23 years and still can’t get my husband to understand why I don’t want to talk. Thank you for sharing your vent 🙂
Kylea Calbert
i really enjoyed you article. I am an extrovert wife and my husband is an introvert. It is not easy communicating. When I first met my husband, back in college, that was one of the things we loved about each other. we have been married for a year and its almost like we hate each other. After reading you article and reading how honest you were gave me a different perspective. I am going to acknowledge his needs and wants, not overwhelm him with my extrovert energy, and instead of trying to change him strive to grow with him. Thank you from an extrovert wife.
Aprille
Aw thank you. Also, the first year of marriage can be so hard. We have been married for almost 13 years and it’s still hard a lot of times, but sticking with it is worth it!
Eve
Yes!!!! Omg. Same. I also have a very high needs attention-craving-loving-giving-question-asking husband who needs so much of me that I can’t comprehend even getting a dog. Because I am totally at capacity.
I’m finding that yes I’m grateful but it’s really hard. I also seek to understand him more than I feel he understands me. So I get snappy and defensive. I really loved reading this and your beautiful honesty!
Keith
Just read your story for the first time. I’m the extrovert. She, obviously is the introvert. She is also my true love. Has been for thirty-five years. I want to have her in my sight all the time. Being in the service however helped train me. I lay my hand on her when we sleep, just to feel her there. But, I have a lodge and a couple of good friends I can go off with and leave her be to her own. I do understand and expressing how much I do love her means going away sometimes. Maybe you should write about the sex life of an introvert. The one thing I still cannot figure out. Did I mention that she is my one true love? There will not be another. Thanks for story. Insightful.
Katir
You are me. I am sitting alone in the living room while my husband is In the bedroom because this is the only time I get to myself….11 pm at night. No lights, no sounds, no one is talking to me, or asking anything of me. I am a teacher and mom of 3 so someone always needs me. No one understands this. My husband doesn’t. He thinks I hate him. I just need to be alone. It’s not anxiety or depression. It’s just being drained from people all day. I barely get sleep because I stay up so I can have some time to read or look at my phone. Seriously, only introverts understand.
Aprille
I agree it’s very hard for extroverts to understand. As far as your husband thinking you hate him, I think a lot of how your husband reacts to your need for alone time will depend on how you present it too him, how often you compromise, how often you put his needs before your own. There has to be a balance and a recognition of both your needs and his. Only you and he will be able to find a balance that works for you. Always reassure him of your love first, and try to explain to him that your time alone “fills you up” so you have more to give in the long run.
Raevenne
Are you… me? I read this post (and the disclaimer), after having my husband home with me all day long most days since mid-December, and today he (finally) went back to work. I had a lovely, QUIET day alone. I’m lucky, because he (mostly) gets me and my introversion. But. OMG… the guilt. He knows I need the space, but I still feel guilty about it. He was gone for four years (geo-bachelor for work) and it just… didn’t bother me. He called every day, even when there was nothing to talk about. He came home every couple of months for a weekend or a week, and acted like he was dying inside when he left again. He’s not even that much of an extrovert, at least with other people. It’s just me apparently. /sigh He’s retiring in four years, and I’m just not sure how this is going to go…
Aprille
It was a huge adjustment when he started working from home in 2020. It’s still hard for me to carve out space for myself. I enjoy putting an audiobook on or podcasts with my headphones on so he and my boys know not to bother me. It doesn’t always work though. SOLIDARITY!