Hold – and how I failed the #ILoveYouChallenge {Five Minute Friday}
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I am holding him in my arms. Squeezing so tightly I know my arms will probably be sore tomorrow. He is thrashing and his eyes are shut so very tightly.
I am begging him to look at me so I can try again..
I was frustrated and exhausted because all I wanted him to do was eat his lunch. But I wanted to breathe in and out and take three seconds to tell him I love him. Because I want so desperately to be a good mother.
I took the three second challenge but it came out too tersely and he covered his ears and screamed at me.
Not nearly the “good mom” moment I was going for.
He still refuses to look at me. Eventually I release the hold, walk up the stairs, and lock myself in the bathroom. My heart is racing and my emotions are raging and I need a time out.
He stands outside the door and screams some more.
I try to breathe.
I try to hold it together and fail.
And a few hours later after a short nap, I find it happening all over agin. This time, he is holding my face, spit landing on my cheeks as he meanly demands I turn off Daniel Tiger. My hair gets pulled.
And again, I try to hold it together and fail.
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Linking up today with Kate Motaung for Five Minute Friday. “This is meant to be a free write, which means: no editing, no over-thinking, no worrying about perfect grammar or punctuation.” Today’s prompt is “Hold.”
7 Comments
clothedwithjoy
Thank you for sharing so opening. Beautifully written.
Amber
Oh, how we all fail. Each and everyday. The saving grace is that we are trying everything to make it, do it right. God sees the intentions of our hearts not the results of our actions. He sees that we are trying. May He whisper to your little’s heart the words you are trying to express to him.
jodiesdye
Thankfully you are not alone, we all fail at holding it together. But Praise God, the one Who Holds the moon and the stars in place never fails to hold us up too! #FMF
Daring to Dream it
Grabbed your link from FMF. My heart aches for you with the words you have written. Beautiful and raw heartfelt emotion.
M and A's Mama
Oh how hard it is to be mother sometimes! Hang in there, Mama and remember the Father always holds us in His hands (even when we’re the ones kicking and screaming and spitting in His face!)
Lux Ganzon
We’re only humans. Don’t be too hard on yourself. But, who am I to say, I don’t have my own little tyrant yet. I think though, being honest about your feelings here and trying your best though failing shows how great your love is.
Michele Hellmann
I saw your post before I saw the details of the challenge. at the time, my instinct was that you didnt fail it. you said the words. the challenge doesn’t require any specific response from the child. Now that I know the premise of the challenge, I still say you succeeded at the I love you challenge!