14 Comments

  1. Leeann

    A million hugs to you and for you. The things that you have put into place to assist you- good for you. It is a proactive step and a necessary one.

    You are a Mama Warrior, for sure.

  2. I’ve been silently reading your blog for years, and your honesty is a constant source of encouragement for me. Thank you, thank you, for speaking honestly.

    My son, as a baby, seemed very similar to the way you describe Ezra. Particularly in the ways where attachment parenting wasn’t working. I live in an area (Pacific NW) where attachment parenting is very “in” and I’ve had so much pressure from family and community to be a perfect attachment parent. It didn’t work for me or my son, and I felt so alone in that it wasn’t working. Everyone kept telling me to loosen up, hold more, respond more, and my son needed (still needs) routine, consistency, and practice being on his own and learning skills by himself. I’m grateful I moved away from attachment parenting, for all our sanity’s sakes, but I have still felt alone and like I am selfish for feeling this way. I so appreciate hearing that there is someone else whose experiences run closer to mine.

    As my son has gotten older, a lot of his baby behaviors have smoothed out and the structure, routine, and discipline have helped him become really a sweet, well-rounded kid with a few maddening quirks. I’m fairly certain he has ADHD (my husband does), and I don’t know where this will lead in the future, but it’s doable now. As I read of your life with your little one, and the special needs you are dealing with now, I can’t imagine the strength it takes to love and live and keep going day in and day out. To balance your intense love and your intense weariness.

    You are in my prayers. Thank you so much for sharing, and continuing to share your journey, unedited and honest. Yours is a voice that needs to be heard.

    • Rachel, Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. I love getting to know my readers better. It sounds like you have made some GREAT choices as a mom. I wish I had made some of those choices earlier. I’m glad that I’ve been able to do so with Little Brother, that’s for sure.

      I will always attempt to be honest and authentic over here. I think it’s one of my trademarks.

      Thank you again for your comment. It totally made my day.

  3. I want to give you a great big hug. This post could have been written by me 15-years ago.

    I wish I would have uttered the word HELP back then. I put so much pressure on myself and blamed myself for much of what was going on with my son.

    Good news, he’s 15 years old and much of the struggles he had early on have faded. He still needs his routine (and other things), but I manage so much better.

    The key for me was letting go and following him and really listening to him – even if it went against what I know and accepted. Rough? yes, but we are on this side of where you are now.

    You are beautiful and I’m glad you can see that enough to ask for the help you need guilt-free.

    help is NOT a bad word. ^_^

    • Thank you so much for being so kind and understanding. I’ve learned the hard way to ask for help but I’m still so glad I’ve learned to do so early on in my mothering years.

  4. Colleen G

    I didn’t realize how much I needed an anti-anxiety medication until I was finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and the medication to help my pain also helps anxiety. I did not realize how much my brain needed help in processing stress.
    Do not worry about the formula thing. I discovered that bottle feeding can be a great blessing and I never noticed any kind of health difference between my bottle children and breastfed children.
    Take care of yourself. But I would loving add that with all the extra you have going on it sounds like you may be having trouble with the boundary between you and your husband. Yes I realize that he has genuine issues from being in the military but he is also an adult and needs to learn to manage his own crap just as if he were a single person. It is not your job to keep the peace as if he were your son. Be supportive and help when you can as long as it is adult level help and not making your mother to a second special needs child. I suggest reading the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend so you can see what I am probably making a mess of trying to say. Sorry if I sound mean or judgmental but taking care of yourself means letting the other adults in your life, even those with extra hardships, that you simply cannot be everything to everyone all-the-time. Blessings

    • The medication is helping SO much, it’s incredible. I didn’t realize what a panicked, frenzied state I was living in until I started taking it. Wow, such a difference.

      I still can’t seem to get Little Brother to take the bottle very well and this week I haven’t even tried because we’ve been on the go so much. But he’s still getting the formula at dinner so that helps.

      And thanks for your advice. The Boundaries book changed my life and we are talking about some of these issues in counseling.

  5. […] While Zoloft is the preferred drug for nursing moms, I’m still going to work on getting Little Brother to take a bottle, because I need to be able to leave him for more than an hour or two. I would also love to not have to pump to make that happen. – February 16, 2016 – Pursuing self care and asking for help (in which we make some changes) […]

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