A time…for me? (a long overdue family, life, & blog update)

My cursor is blinking at me, and I’m honestly not sure where to start. It’s been such a long time since I’ve written a blog post, for a lot of very good reasons. So I guess I’ll just have to dive in, start typing, and see where this goes.

I have come to hate the Christian cliché “seasons of life.” I hate it mainly for the reason it is a cliché: it’s trite and overused. But why do Christians use this term so much? Ecclesiastes 3 holds the answer, and Ecclesiastes 3 is the theme of this blog and my personal writing space.

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. He hath made every thing beautiful in his time.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 11a)

These verses and the passage in between show the essence of human existence in a nutshell, from birth to death…from war to peace. It’s all there. And God leads His children through all of them.

Lately, God has led me through a very busy season. A season where I haven’t had a lot of time…for me. This is due to a combination of factors that have culminated in a life that looks very different from what it looked like even three years ago. Let me explain:

When your gamer hubby quits gaming…

My husband used to be a video game addict. It’s something that I talked about here from time to time, but never really came out and said. Neither did he. Because it’s not something that either of us (especially him) wanted to admit. But three years ago (in August of 2022), Russ had a moment that I can only liken to God hitting him on the head with a 2×4 and asking him, “What are you doing?”

His problem with video games was a constant source of contention in our marriage. Financial contention, relationship contention, time contention, sleep contention, mental health contention. I don’t think it would be an overestimate to say that he regularly played video games 20-30 hours a week. Maybe not every single week, but most weeks. It impacted his sleep (coming to bed at 2am even in the middle of the week), ate up our Saturday family time, and so much more.

I never thought I wanted him to quit. Guys need hobbies. I just wanted him to be able to keep it in moderation, but he never could. So when we would fight about how much time he was spending gaming, he would say, “Fine! I’ll just quit!” Then I would back off, because I knew 1) it wasn’t a decision he could actually adhere to and 2) he would just resent me for making him quit.

So when the “2×4 moment” happened, I was admittedly skeptical. Very skeptical. Like, “Sure, Jan” skeptical.

Even after he got rid of his gaming computer, I was skeptical.

I don’t think I quit holding my breath that he would return to gaming until we hit the 1 year mark and he started telling people, “I used to be a video game addict.”

This singular decision has radically shifted everything in our home and family.

I don’t know why it had to take such a long time. But I know that God makes everything beautiful in HIS time, not mine.

Nine months before the “2×4 moment,” Russ quit taking one of his anxiety medications without telling me. A month later he spiraled into a 36 hour period of such emotional instability that I honestly feared for his sanity and our marriage. I even had people calling me asking me what was going on, and I could only respond, “I don’t know!” When this happened, and I realized he was off of one of his meds, I made a hard decision. The minute he passive aggressively said, “Fine, we will just see whatever doctor you want me to see. I’ll just take whatever you tell me to take, and you can be in charge of everything,” rather than arguing, “That’s not what I want! That’s not what I’m trying to say!”, I said, “Okay. Here’s what we are going to do.”

The year prior (2021), we had put Ezra on an anti-seizure medicine that had solved all of his sleep problems AND helped to regulate his mood. It was like a miracle pill. Given the similarities between him and his daddy, I decided that I would take Russ to Ezra’s psychiatrist at the time, and ask for him to try this drug. It had similar effects in Russ. While he still needs additional antidepressants and sleep medications, he was able to replace two of his anti-anxiety meds with this anti-seizure medicine, and the results have been stunning.

I don’t believe that medication fixed everything. But I do believe this was one factor – a catalyst perhaps – that gave his troubled brain the clarity needed to realize how destructive gaming had become to him, his mental health, and our family.

And then quitting video games became the catalyst for personal and spiritual growth, more family time, and a far more peaceful home (in most ways).

When your gamer hubby quits gaming…and gains a friend…

One of the reasons that video gaming was such a pull for my husband is that he had a lack in other healthy social connections, friendships, and hobbies outside of gaming. Russ is very extroverted, and gaming with online acquaintances was a social outlet for him at a time he was really lacking in true friendship. He had a few other hobbies (rucking and hiking), but not too many people to engage in his hobbies with him.

Long before he quit gaming, he shared with me a joke video that was making rounds online. In the video, a man is playing video games when his significant other hits the shutdown button on his keyboard. The man reacts in anger, asking, “WHY? Just…WHY?”

She responds, “It’s all you do!!!!”

To which he responds, “It’s all I have!!!”

Russ felt that deep in the depths of his soul, and that stuck with me too. It’s one of the reasons I felt I couldn’t ask him to quit, because…what else would he do? Addiction 101 says that you have to replace the addictive behavior with something healthy, because the vacuum left when the addiction is gone will beg to be filled, which is why relapse is so common.

The first year post-quitting was the hardest on all of us. Russ basically had to go through a dopamine detox. And it was really hard when he didn’t have much to fill the void. He needed a lot of emotional care and time with me when he felt the strong pull to return to gaming.

But seven months after he quit gaming, God brought a new family to our church. Russ connected with the husband, and they hit it off quickly. And if you know my husband at all, that just doesn’t really happen.

One of the reasons Russ hasn’t had friends is that his expectations for friendships are high and not always in line with the way most men operate within friendships. Russ likes to talk and text with his friends at the frequency of most teenage girls, whereas most men are quite content with texting once in a blue moon and only talking when hanging out in person. It’s rare to find a man who is willing to engage at that frequency and level of intensity. But rarities still exist. And this new friend of my husband’s is my favorite unicorn. This friendship has grown over the last two years, and our families are hanging out all of the time. (It helps that our kids get along fabulously too! Another rarity.) This family is truly a gift, and has filled so many voids in our hearts – all of our hearts. 

When your husband still has a big void…and you are the filler!

As wonderful as his new friend is, he’s not capable of filling a 20-30 hour per week void. And while my husband has since continued to seek out other hobbies (such as biking), activities (such as preaching once a month at our local rescue mission), and other ways of filling his time (watching an unhealthy amount of random crap on YouTube)…that’s still a big void. A big void. 

One healthy way he has filled that void is with more family time – both with the boys and with me. From taking bike-rides with our boys, going through a year-long intense family-board-game-night phase, and taking walks as a family, these activities have been refreshing, fun, and strengthened our family bonds.

Also, we spend most nights on the couch together, cuddling while watching episode after episode of whatever show we are watching at the moment.

I would never want my husband to go back to playing video games. Ever.

But…….. remember that 20-30 hours a week he would spend playing video games? A LOT of that was time I had to myself. I’m an introvert, so that met a very real need that I have for alone time. I had time to watch TV shows that I knew Russ wouldn’t want to watch with me, watch copious amounts of figure skating competitions, and work on my blog and affiliate marketing.

That time is now completely gone. Poof. Vanished. And it has been a very hard adjustment for me.

When your boys get bigger and the stakes get higher…

The boys are both doing so well, really in every area. Especially now since we have gotten them on the right medications for their needs (although that was a complicated process that we were still struggling through even this spring for Little Brother), they are progressing in their schoolwork as they should.

Ideally, you would think that the older the boys get, the less they would need from me when it comes to homeschooling. And in some ways, that’s true. They are able to work independently on a lot of things. But even with ADHD medication and a lot of breaks and classroom supports, they still need a lot of supervision to stay on task. Our biggest enemy of homeschooling progress is distraction, and they are pros at distraction. Distracting themselves. Distracting each other.

I’ve tried many school room set up variations over the last 7 years, (at least 8 different configurations last time I counted), but what has consistently worked the best is having one “school room” where I’m present for the bulk of the school day. This room is also our family room and our TV-watching room, which means I spend about 90% of my day in this room. This year, I finally added my own desk to give myself more adequate working space. (I have another desk where my desktop computer is set up, but there’s not enough space in that room for all of our school stuff.) Our school/TV/family space is busy and cluttered and messy – containing 3 desks, 4 bookshelves, a couch, a coffee table, 2 bulletin boards, a timeline, a bunch of educational posters, 3 carts, 3 chairs, and a TV. (I honestly have no clue where we are going to put a Christmas tree this year!)

I spend my days keeping up with our homeschool records (I’m like 6 months behind on that), maintaining our curriculum spreadsheets, ordering library books, teaching, checking completed work, filing, organizing, filling out their daily planners, unlocking devices, making worksheets, loading up videos, making playlists, and redirecting the boys when they get off task for the 500th time that day.

Also, they will be as of this week 10 and 15. Particularly with Ezra, this means the academic intensity has ramped up and the stakes are a lot higher. We have four more years with him, at least when it comes to his formal education. I feel like there’s about eight more years of things he needs to learn in that amount of time.

We have shifted to curriculums with more online instruction (Apologia science, Memoria Press, and even…dare I say it…aBeka!). He currently has four classes (science, history, math, and language arts) with at least some level of video instruction. I’m also gravitating to curriculums that have testing and grading components so that I can keep grades to be able to put on a high school transcript.

It’s a big source of stress and brain energy right now: feeling the mounting pressure of how little time we have left in his schooling; the desire to keep our education immersive, enjoyable, and suited to our boys unique strengths and needs; the understanding that the “real world” looks to things like transcripts and test scores to determine a young person’s potential value as an employee; and the feeling of inadequacy that I don’t have what it takes to prepare him for life. It’s a lot right now.

After six years of studying American history from 1600 to 1783, we are finally moving on to another era of history: Ancient Greece & Ancient Rome. That will most likely be another post (or more!), but it is both an exciting and a daunting change! I’ve never been super passionate about ancient history, but I’m finding it a fascinating challenge! We are using so many new programs we’ve never used before, and so far everything is going well!

That means that for the last few months, I have been doing a lot of curriculum research, more shopping and buying, and setting up new spreadsheets for all of the new curriculum we are using. It’s arduous and tedious, and I’m still not done – even with some of the curricula he’s already started.

I love homeschooling. I feel God designed me perfectly for this job and that it caters to my strengths. I feel like it’s a calling and worth the investment of my time and resources. I take educating my children very seriously, and wouldn’t have it any other way.

When you are a church pianist and arranger-in-residence…

I went into a lot of detail about these responsibilities in a prior recent blog post. But my musical responsibilities at my church have increased over the last few years. Not only am I playing the piano every Sunday but one out of each month, I also play for funerals and Lord’s Table services, participate in our church’s songwriting guild, and do a lot of arranging music on the side.

These are things I LOVE to do, and this role is very fulfilling. But, it is also very time-consuming and requires a lot of brain power (which I feel is in short supply these days).

When you start teaching piano lessons…and love it!

I began teaching piano lessons with one student back in 2023 with one student. I’ve also been working with my own boys over the past few years (albeit very inconsistently)! Last year, I added my student’s sibling, bringing the total to four. This spring, I added four more, and I’ll be taking on three more students this fall! This will bring my total to 11 students, all of whom are boys (ages 6 to 15)!

I am very much enjoying this new endeavor. This year I switched piano programs from Faber & Faber to WunderKeys, which has been the perfect choice for these active, fidgety, creative kiddos.

I feel that my years of experience as a homeschool mom to ADHD boys has made me uniquely suited to teach boys. Some of my other students have similar needs (take meds, have bad brain days, or get super distracted), and I’m able to roll with whatever’s going on that day by supplementing with music games, Prodigies videos, and music appreciation books and activities. I’m also using the Chord Quest curriculum for Ezra and Little Brother, and it has worked well for them as it teaches music through patterns.

I’m currently teaching three afternoons per week from the comfort of my piano nook in my above-ground basement. (I love not having to go anywhere!)

When God gives you other (time-consuming) opportunities…

God has blessed me with other opportunities that have also taken up some of my free time. I’ve been blessed to edit two books written by my pastor.

I’m also currently an “advisor” (teacher) at our homeschool co-op for our Study Hall. While I am capable of teaching other subjects and have a lot of ideas for classes I could teach, currently that’s four hours of “me time” that I’m not willing to part with. I am responsible for making sure that the students behave appropriately and for keeping attendance records, but otherwise I do have time to work on quiet projects (such as the book editing formerly mentioned).

Last year, I was privileged to attend the Sing Conference. You can read all about that experience here.

Earlier this year my family took a 10-day trip to South Africa to visit friends who are missionaries there. Yes, you read that right. MY family. South Africa. And we came back in one piece! (That’s a blog post or twenty just begging to be written.) We had a wonderful time and learned so much. I think it’s one of the best decisions we ever made. That said… preparing for, taking, and recovering from that trip easily took up the first four months of 2025!

When you have very little alone time…

As you can see here, my life is very full, and with a lot of wonderful things. It’s a “season” of a lot of busyness, giving to others, creating, and experiencing family life to the fullest.

I also kind of feel like I’m drowning 90% of the time. 

I’m currently an entire YEAR behind of watching figure skating competitions, and that’s with dropping all competitions aside from the Grand Prix series, European Championships, Four Continents Championships, and World Championships. (I used to watch all of the Senior B competitions, all of the Junior Grand Prix competitions, and there were several years I even watched Russian nationals. Oh, plus a bunch of gymnastics too!)

I haven’t watched a TV show by myself in about 3 years.

I’m “behind” on a ton of other stuff two. Sorting paperwork. Sorting the boys school papers from the last few years. (I currently have four bins of paperwork that need sorted. Yesterday I told Russ I need a week, at home, ALONE, just to sort paperwork!)

My blog traffic is in a sorry state. I used to publish 6-10 blog posts a month. The past five years I’ve been averaging 6-10 blog posts a year. Last week MailChimp sent me an email saying it has been so long since I logged into my account that if I didn’t take action they were closing my account in 30 days. Affiliate marketing is a thing of the past. I’ve spent way more money just maintaining my blog’s presence online than I’ve earned from it.

These were things that used to regularly fill hours of my life per week, and I just haven’t been able to devote that kind of time to them.

When you slip into bad habits and paralysis…

When I do find myself with time alone, I find myself paralyzed by what I should do. No matter what I choose, I’m left still seeing the piles of things I didn’t choose and feeling still so behind. When I take time to do something I’m behind on (such as watching a figure skating competition, working on a music project, or organizing a Pinterest board…or a closet!) I feel like I’m attacking a mountain of dirt with a teaspoon…never truly able to feel like I’m catching up.

I also am really bad about putting off something that I technically have the time for, but don’t feel like I have the brain space for. Instead, I often spend my time on something that’s not as important (or not important at all) but more manageable for my brain (like browsing Facebook or Reddit).

This is why I have found blogging to be so hard. I feel like I need a couple of hours to write a blog post, and another hour or so to do the editing, graphics, adding affiliate links, posting, and scheduling. I just don’t feel like I have that time. (I’m on my first day of a family vacation. I started this blog post at 9AM, have been working on it off and on all day, and still don’t have it finished by 7:30 PM.)

I’ve also slipped into some really bad cycles and habits. Most days goes something like this:

-8-9AM: try to drag myself out of bed. Herd the feral children to stop goofing off, take their meds (“You’ve been doing this for a decade, kiddo!”), eat their food (“What have you been doing for the last hour and how have you still not eaten anything?!?!”), get dressed (“Seriously, we do this every. single. day!”) and try to start school around 9…ish. Ishy ish.

-9AM-12PM: school – teaching and trying not to get too distracted by the 100 admin tasks calling my name. Fail miserably. Or fall asleep on the couch.

-12PM – 1PM: lunch break. Boys watch a playlist or listen to an audiobook. Sit down and look at my phone or get distracted by other homeschool admin projects.

-1PM to 2:30PM: “Come on, boys, can we please finish our work?” and “Did you do this? Did you finish your math? Did you read this book?” Check completed work and fill out their planners for the next day.

-2:30 PM. Put on regular clothes (as opposed to the daytime loungewear I’ve been wearing), make sure the boys know what schoolwork or reading they need to finish, head downstairs to teach piano.

-4:00PM ish: “HOW ARE WE STILL NOT DONE WITH SCHOOL?!?!? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST HOUR?!?!” Continue checking completed work and filling out their planners for the next day. Try to figure out a dinner plan.

-5:00PM to 6:00PM: Try to squeeze a week’s worth of household chores into an hour’s time while listening to a true crime audiobook. This is my escape.

-7:00PM: Dinner. MAYBE take a  30-45 minute walk BY MYSELF if I can manage to sneak away. Fight with boys to shower, brush their teeth, and get ready for bed. Finish up the last of the homeschool admin stuff so we are ready to start the school day tomorrow. Continue trying to squeeze in a week’s worth of household chores into whatever free minutes I can find.

-9:00PM to 11:00PM: time with hubby

-11:00PM to midnight: collapse into bed and waste time on meaningless internet crap because it’s the only time I have that much quiet to myself, even though I know staying up late will make it that much harder to get up tomorrow which means we will get an even later start on the day, making our school day push later into the afternoon and early evening, and eat up more of my time tomorrow.

REPEAT.

This also leads me to putting off piano practice until Saturday, which means I spend about 2 hours on Saturdays practicing and the rest of my Saturday catching up on laundry and household chores.

I know that I have time management issues. I know that staying up late is bad for my health and our schedule. I know I could benefit from time blocking, making a choice to get up and get a better start on my day, and being less distracted.

The thing is that when you are drowning, sometimes it’s hard to make good choices.

Some weeks are better than others. Sometimes I have really productive days, go to bed at a decent hour, and stay on task like I’m supposed to. But consistency is a struggle.

When you recognize that “to everything there is a season,” let some things go, and give yourself some grace…

When I look back over my adult life, I see many seasons where things were a lot bleaker, stressful, hopeless, or chaotic than they are now. I can honestly say that the stress I’m under now is a productive, positive, and possibly even enjoyable stress. I know that the time I am pouring into my family, my church, my piano students, and my home is an investment and will not return unto me void. I sometimes long to be able to lay on the couch and watch hours of figure skating or binge a sappy TV show, but I know that ultimately, these things would be less satisfying than the life I’m currently living.

I also know that this season won’t last forever. I know that, eventually, my boys will be grown and flown, and I’ll have hours to watch figure skating. Even if I don’t catch up before the Olympic season starts next month…or before the Olympics are held in February, it will be okay. I might not like it, but it will be okay.

When it comes to my blog, I know that no one is out there biting their fingernails anxiously waiting my next blog post, and the world will keep on turning if I don’t make any money off of my blog or Pinterest account. I have learned that not every thought I have, photo I take, or thing I experience needs to be documented for the world to see and read.

Earlier this year, I had the realization that so much of my pressure about being “behind” on these things is self-induced. I don’t know if I will ever learn how to lower my self-expectations, but I’m going to keep trying.

I’m also learning to appreciate snippets of alone time much more than I ever have. I may not always use those snippets as wisely as I should, but nearly every time I have a few minutes by myself (even it’s its 20 minutes alone in the garage to hang up laundry!), I breathe a prayer of thanks to God for the gift of just being alone.

Right now might not be “a time for me…,” but I’m learning how to be okay with that.

Some highlights from the last year:

Little Brother surrendered his life in faith to Jesus Christ, then followed in obedience in Believer’s Baptism:

Russ completed a ruck-31-miles-in-one-day challenge:

Ezra is exploring a lot of new skills and hobbies. He has become an integral member of our church’s AV team, and is on the schedule of people who run the church’s livestream. He also has been working with grandpa on automotive repair projects. So far this year, with grandpa’s help, he has replaced the brakes and motors and a broken mirror on our vehicle and completed our last oil change. Grandpa talks him through the steps, but he does most of the work!

Ezra got his braces off:

We celebrated ten years of attending our church – our “churchaversary” – with a little potluck party at our home with some of our favorite people:

Little Brother got glasses:

Russ rode 50 miles on his bike in one day… a week before he turned 50!

And here’s one of my favorites from our most recent family photo shoots (November 2024):