A deep and broken love…a star is born. Not the star of a woman thrust into fame, but the star of sacrificial love that burned bright because a woman gave herself away by loving in the deep end. I want to love like that.
Homeschooling is loud and messy and cluttered and chaotic and overwhelming and frustrating and LOUD. But it’s also beautiful and rewarding and heartwarming and, dare I say, even peaceful sometimes. I still treasure my alone time, and I still seek out snippets to be away from my kids. That desperate need to escape my kids is just gone.
I was sitting down to type this out as a status, but realized it would be extremely long. So I decided to come here and sweep away the cobwebs and write for a few seconds. Homeschooling is going well. A much longer post is coming. But with everything else on my plate (a part-time job … [Read more…]
This is the moment everything up til this moment formed into this realization of healing. Because not once during the last few days had I been triggered. Not one hymn. Not one shudder induced by a smell or a sight. No anger. No pain. No regret. Just genuine gratitude and bittersweet joy for my family, for my grandma’s prayers, for the good old hymns, for each and every last memory.
Tomorrow is the day I have kind of dreaded for the last three months. August 26th. The day Ezra shoulda woulda coulda be going back to public school to start 3rd grade. I expected this day to hit me hard with panic: like HOLY CRAP WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!?! Instead, my heart is full of PEACE and EXCITEMENT and ALL THE HAPPY FEELS! We are doing this. We are really doing this!!!
This transformation – I don’t even really have a way to describe it. I can ONLY credit it to an AMAZING God who has blessed me with this opportunity and given me the desire (when I had absolutely NO desire to homeschool), the strength, and the resources to accomplish this. I’m not this homeschooling, chore-doing, love-spending-time-with-my-kiddos person. I’m not. But He is bigger than my inadequacies and is renewing my heart day by day for this role.
Maybe you have looked up to people like Rachel Held Evans and Joshua Harris. I know that I did. Maybe their deconstruction stories have shaken your faith. Maybe you wonder if faith deconstruction is for you. Maybe you are ready to walk away from it all. It’s tempting to take a hacksaw to your faith, dump the remains in the yard waste cart, and wipe your hands of it all as the city utility workers haul it all away. But I urge you: build a compost pile. Stay. Please stay. Because the tree grows on the fallen forest. If it died, it can live again.
I’m officially reviving our former “Beauty in the Mess” Blog Series, a series where I count God’s blessing in my life and the gifts He has given me – sharing both the messy AND the beautiful! Because our primary focus as a family right now is homeschooling our eldest, I will share a few snippets here and there of some of our good homeschooling moments (and maybe a few of our messy ones, too!).
This morning, I walked into Ezra’s school and informed his principal we will be homeschooling next year.
Talk about one of the most terrifying moments of my life…
I could sit here and write 2000+ words about the steps that rapidly led up to this decision, the multitude of reasons as to why we feel like homeschooling is the best choice, the curriculum we are looking at, and the plans that we have. But none of that really matters, nor is it really anyone’s business.
That said, I feel that what I MUST chronicle is the transformation that has taken place in my heart and mind over the last week that I can only attribute to a miraculous act of God.
My counselor looked at me with a tilt of her sassy head and a half-smile and and said, “But girl, remember who you battle! You were riding high and Satan couldn’t have that. Satan hates the family, and he’s doing everything he can to destroy yours. He was gonna hit you hard and he sure did!”