26 Comments

  1. Oh Aprille…i was just riveted by your story…..i felt so connected to you as i read your words because i had experienced so much of the same…and yet you have also had deployment to deal with which i just can’t comprehend! You are so brave and i am just so glad that you felt brave enough and found the strength to blog about your story. I know you are reaching and helping others as i have had a bit of traffic coming from this post which proves that there are those out there who need these sort of posts….even if they can’t bring themselves to comment. Thanks so much for mentioning me and i am so glad that i could provide a little inspiration for you to reach this stage.
    There is just so much i could write here as i identify and understand so much of what you are saying….but i know you know that so what i will say is that you have truly come so far and dealt with so much that your men are so very lucky to have you and i know your journey is beginning to take a happier path. By talking about this and reaching out to others feeling the same i know you are helping to inspire others too.
    I’m still having those days too and some feelings can prove overwhelming but we will get there…especially as we know we are not alone….thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and your pics….i often feel such sadness as i am in very few pics with my girls!
    Big hugs babe….keep on going…a few steps at a time …big hugs xxx

    • Thank you so much for your sweet words.

      About photos…I’m a bit vain and I’ve always loved taking pictures of myself since I was quite young. So don’t feel bad. In some ways I view it as a flaw. lol

  2. kathrynann24

    Aprille,
    I am so glad you shared this, I know it will be a blessing to many who struggle with this. I did not have PPD after Adam’s birth, but I did have severe anxiety- which I am told is different. No mom is ready for everything that motherhood brings and I think each mom has to deal with it in her own way. You are not bad or wrong for feeling this way and I have felt a lot of the same resentments as you, which makes me feel better because I always consider myself “a horrible mom” when I think these things or when I just want a break. What you said here I can seriously identify with:

    “My love for Ezra grows with each passing day. If you regularly follow my blog you know how much I love him and how much fun we have as a family. But sometimes that resentment is right there under the love. I get tired of having to be a mother. Having a child is such a permanent thing. There’s no return receipt, no ETS date on parenthood. I am responsible for his life–his health, safety, and emotional/spiritual well-being. And no amount of “mom’s day out”s frees me from that responsibility. It’s always there. The struggle is in seeing that it’s a God-given opportunity, rather than an exhausting burden which my shoulders are too weary to bear.”

    And it’s relief to know that it’s ok all moms feel like this at some point. We are not horrible people we are just human, and thank God for His grace to get us through another day. Aprille, don’t feel bad because you have a hard time handling what you have, we all feel it. Sure, I have a lot going on, but you know what every day I am reminded of families who have kids with cancer or kids who are dying and I am reminded that even though my days and weeks are crazy, I am blessed. It’s hard I feel I have no right to complain, but yet some days I do struggle under the pressure. We all do. It’s hard to be a mom sometimes, but God is there, and we can all find relief in the fact that it’s not just me, it’s just a mom thing and it’s going to be ok. Love you!

  3. […] know this song is about Mary… But I feel this way every single day. My life is not easy. Motherhood is not easy like I thought it would be. Being the wife of a soldier has not been easy. I think Christmas makes […]

  4. Misty Sanders

    wow this is amazing. I am also struggling and I feel like I have no where to turn. I have no one that understands. Thanks I think there is hope.

  5. Sam

    Having randomly stumbled on your blog, I can’t get over how similarly we feel. You might as well have written the post above about me…..right down to the part in the shops.

    I’m a military (almost) wife too….but in the UK, for the last 3 years my man has been based over 180 miles away, so only been home some weekends. There have also been 2 deployments in that time….the first when our daughter was just 9 months old.

    We now have a son too….who is coming up for 6 months old. So added to all the old ‘stuff’ with a 3 year old, I have all the baby fears too, with an added top up of guilt for not spending as much time with my daughter.

    The only difference is that I never had any help. Even though I needed it (and probably still do) I’m just too damned proud. Which is stupid….and I wish I could just ignore it and ask for help….but I’m too stubborn. So instead I just squash it all down and keep up the facade :( It’s been too long now for me to admit that i need it I guess. You’re so brave and strong to have got the help you needed.

    Perhaps I should try.

    Now I’m rambling lol….the baby has finally gone back to sleep (chest infection and teething means I’m up every hour feeding/comforting him)

    I may well email you later if you don’t mind….and I can get 5 minutes peace lol

    Thank you xxx

    • Yes, please email me if you wish! It sounds like you have SO MUCH going on and could benefit from a helping hand, or maybe even some professional counseling. I hope that you get that help and that your life takes a more restful turn soon!

  6. Thank you for having the courage to share your story! I have experienced post-partum depression and anxiety, and can relate to your experiences! I have been wondering lately if I should blog about the darker moments I had- one of them being the idea of leaving my daughter in a shopping cart for someone else to find, which fortunately sounds completely foreign now. Good for you for reaching out and getting the help you needed!

    • Blogging about my postpartum depression was really therapeutic and healing for me, and it has allowed me to encourage women like you from all over the world. Your intrusive thoughts are very typical of postpartum depression and anxiety so you are definitely not alone! Thanks for commenting.

  7. […] It was there where I watched her hand move back and forth performing EMDR, following with my eyes, as my brain processed the trauma of my first real heartbreak, my first debacle of a college experience, the hurts placed on me by a close family member, my traumatic birth experience, and postpartum depression. […]

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