Leave it all behind… {What God did through PWOCI}

Note: If you have not read my post from earlier this week, Embracing Grace: My PWOC Story, please do so before reading this post. It really gives some more insight and background into what PWOC is and what it has come to mean to me. 

I think I have finally been able to process the multitude of everything that God did in my heart over the weekend and whittle it down to a few amazing nuggets of truth that He showed me.

The first evening of the conference was very difficult and stressful for me. I’m honestly not sure how my expectations were so off. It’s only an INTERNATIONAL conference with military wives from all over the world. But somehow I was expecting something slightly less than 1400 women. I was immediately on edge. It was loud. The sheer noise factor of that many women in one place was a little overwhelming. Then there was all the squealing and screams of joy as women were reunited with their best friends from former duty stations. (*duty stations…For those of you who were there…Laura Story has officially ruined me. I cannot hear this phrase and not laugh* ahem more on that later). There was a lot of people-bumping-into-people…physically. I went with our Spiritual Life coordinator to go pick up the swag bags and nametags for our group. I’m pretty sure we stopped every five feet to talk to someone that she knew from the past. Now Jennifer, if you are reading this (and I hope you are), rest assured. You did absolutely nothing wrong here. But, as the army wife of *only* 5 years, 3 of those years spent at Fort Knox, and having not attended PWOC at Fort Hood, I was slightly lacking in the joyful reunions department, and I felt slightly left out. Well, maybe more like I was just missing out on something awesome. Slight pangs of jealousy. (And she got the room with the balcony too…mine overlooked the parking lot. Drat.)

Mentally I was struggling with the jealousy and the simple anxiety factor of being overwhelmed. Then I heard from my husband, who was having a hard time adjusting to me being gone. Oh, his mom was there to help take care of Ezra, but for some reason he was still having a hard time with all of Ezra’s fits and how he was (or wasn’t) eating a good dinner. I knew I needed to be at this conference, but I was struggling to find the amazing factor yet.

But when I was on the verge of tears, Jennifer and my roommate Valerie took me aside and prayed for me and for Russ. They prayed that the devil’s attack would be thwarted and that God would still work in amazing ways in my life. From that moment on, the jealousy, feelings of aloneness, the anxiety, and the guilt of leaving home all melted away. My purpose was renewed. I prayed silently that God would show me His truths while I was there. And I prayed that God would give me a friend…someone I knew from somewhere and had just forgotten about, or someone new, while I was there. So that I wouldn’t be lonely or simply a tag-a-long. I needed someone for me.

That evening, after the general session, and I looked to my left and saw someone who I recognized. A girl named Wendy who used to be at Fort Knox. I had met her at the spring conference that I was sponsored to go to in March of 2011. She didn’t really remember me, but I remembered her. (It’s kind of hard to forget that gorgeous girl with the long thick black hair who brought the Wii dance game to the party and got us all in trouble with the hotel because we were being too loud.) She instantly reached out to me. I told her how I felt a little lost and how my husband was struggling; and right then and there she asked if she could pray for me. In that crowd of 1400 women. I didn’t see her again the rest of the weekend, but right then and there one of my prayers was answered.

The anxiety hit again the next morning when I entered the dining area for breakfast. I couldn’t find my group. They were either in meetings or not answering their phones. I was completely alone in this group of 1400 women with no one that I knew to sit with. I was contemplating sitting down at some random table and just saying, “Hi, I’m Aprille, and I can’t find my group, so I’m sitting with you guys.” I got my food at the nearest station, and then turned about 90 degrees and BAM. There was someone else that I knew. Who wasn’t from Fort Knox. This woman’s name was Colleen, and I met her at Fort Knox PWOC when she came (two or maybe three times) over the course of the last year to visit her daughter who was in my Bible study group and my brunch buddy (who has since moved away to Fort Campbell…sniff I miss you Rosalie!!) I didn’t know her well, but it was so nice to have a sweet familiar face greeting me over coffee and breakfast. Prayer answered…again.

Then, in the workshop (training breakout session) just before lunch, God broke open some doors in my heart in amazing ways. I had signed up for this workshop called “The Real Me.” It was supposedly about identity. Perfect. I’ve kind of been in the midst of a serious identity crisis for the last year. Or more like six years. But when I was given the handout, my heart sank. A cursory view of the material told me “…you already know all of this stuff…this is gonna all be review for you…you’re in the wrong place.”

But I was wrong.

There was a lot of review. Scriptures about who we are as sinners and who we are as redeemed saints of God. But then the speaker gave some of her personal testimony. She had been the good girl. Obedient. Checked all the boxes. Obeyed all the rules. Boy this is starting to sound familiar. But then sin dragged her down. She realized that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t keep the rules placed upon her by legalism. And more than that, she didn’t want to.

Then she gave one of the most profound object lessons that I have ever heard. She had three sweaters: one pure white, one black, and one beige. She put on the black sweater, saying that it signified the sin nature. Then she held the white sweater over her as if it were an umbrella and said something to this effect (paraphrasing VERY loosely here):

Kim: I had always been taught that Christ’s righteousness covers my sin. God can’t see my sin, because Christ’s righteousness is in the way. It blocks God’s view. God only sees me as holy…only loves me because He sees Christ. But underneath my sin is still there. And I feel like it’s more who I am than Christ’s righteousness is. If God could see who I really am, He probably wouldn’t love me. I still want to sin, but I know I shouldn’t. So I feel like I can’t be myself. But I know I should try to be good. And I especially want other people to think I’m good. So I keep trying harder.

Then she put on the beige sweater, over the black.

Kim: The beige signifies my righteousness. What I can do in my own power. Keeping all the rules, checking the boxes. I try to hide my real sinful self behind a veneer of good works because I’m scared that if people see the real me, that they wouldn’t love me. But then it’s hard because I feel like I’m being a fake all the time. That I can’t be myself!!!

Oh how I have felt this way a million times over!!

But then she gave a second, more accurate illustration. She put the pure white sweater on first…

Kim: Christ’s righteousness doesn’t just cover us or hide our sin from God. We HAVE been made a NEW CREATURE. This righteous, born-again being IS who we really are. The saved, blameless-in-Christ Kim is the most REAL Kim that I can be.

Then she put on the black sweater, and the beige overtop:

Kim: Yes, our sin nature is still apart of us and always will be. And it gets in the way of Christ’s righteousness shining through and being accessed. And we still continue to put on our own righteousness through legalism and good works to cover it up. But in reality, what we need to do is this: Peel back our own righteousness. Peel back our sin. And let the light of Christ’s righteousness shine forth.

The truth is, that to the outside observer, no one can really see the difference. No one can know if we are doing things out of Christ’s power or our own. But God does.

The illustration was so profound, yet so simple to understand. I was so impressed that I decided to hang back to thank her and talk to her, maybe find out a little bit more about her since it seemed that we had very similar backgrounds. It turns out that they were more than similar. They were almost identical. We were both raised Independent Fundamental Baptist…she even attended a well-known college in our circle of Christianity that I am very familiar with as one of my siblings attended there. I was flabbergasted. We exchanged numbers and agreed to meet up at dinner.

Dinner and the 2 1/2 hours that followed it were by far the highlight of the conference for me. We talked about so many things that I cannot even begin to write it all out here. I confided in her about all of my struggles and fears of not being good enough for God because I wasn’t good enough for the people in my past. Because I couldn’t measure up to all the rules that were required to earn their favor, and thus God’s. I told her how lonely I felt in church after church where no one has reached out to me when I was hurting. She met me with grace, understanding, and honesty. She shared little bits of her story and how God has led her away from legalism. But she also met me with a little bit of tough love. She was quick to clarify that people from ALL denominations hurt other people. People are human. And if I am looking to not be hurt, well, tough luck. Those kinds of things happen all the time, regardless. She perceptively pointed out that I have been looking for acceptance and for people to meet my emotional needs, when ultimately, I need to look to God and Him alone.

She shared with me the vast importance of staying in the Word of God now matter how distasteful it may seem because of how people have used it against me. She told me that I can’t react out of hurt against the crippling problems of legalism and go off and just do my own thing. I have to stay grounded in HIS truth. To see what the Bible really says. For myself.

She told me that I needed to “trust who He is with who I am.”

After several hours of tears and talking (and eating free ice cream thanks to her generosity), we were bustling back to the evening session for which we were already late. But she stopped, pulled me into a quiet (okay, not so quiet) corner and prayed with me. Silent, healing tears fell as she prayed for me to trust God in all things. To forgive those who have hurt me and judged me. She prayed that I would not judge them back. She prayed that I would remember that they have Christ and His spirit living within them too. She prayed that God would lead me and my family into grace. She prayed that like the lilies of Matthew 6, I would stop toiling and spinning, and come forth being arrayed in the glory of Christ.

And then, she prayed that I would be beautiful…in His time.

I’m not making this up. Only God can do this.

I wiped the tears from my eyes, hugged her, and then we went into the service, just in time for Laura Story to take the stage. She started off worship with the song Forever Reign. I had never heard it before. I tried to sing…but then was just overcome by the lyrics and had to just be silent and cry, all the while Kim sang next to me with a strong and beautiful voice praising God.

You are good You are good
When there’s nothing good in me
You are love You are love
On display for all to see
You are light You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy You are joy
You’re the reason that I sing
You are life You are life
In You death has lost its sting

You are more You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here You are here
In Your presence I’m made whole
You are God You are God
Of all else I’m letting go

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

If you would like to see what it was like to hear her and 1400 women sing this song, here’s a Youtube clip of that very moment. I did not take this (or the following videos) but I am forever thankful for the Youtube user who did:

In that moment, I felt myself truly let go of “all else.” All the rules. All the guilt. All of the self-righteousness. All of the self-deprecation. All the voices from my past telling me that I’m a disappointment because I didn’t end up “in the ministry” or married to a pastor. All the fear of messing up or displeasing God…all the fear of being hurt that cripples me from approaching God’s throne each day. I felt myself running to His arms. Accepting His love. Accepting His peace, His forgiveness, even as I have wandered for the last six years trying to make sense of our strained relationship that was born and then seemed to die in the bed of legalism.

I felt like I made a fresh start that night. And as Laura Story went on to sing her well-known song Blessings, I felt “His healing come through tears.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday was just a continuation and confirmation of everything that happened on Friday. Here is an exerpt from the morning session:

Laura Story: He loves saving His kids. Not just that first Salvation that we think of when we think of the word “Salvation,” but He loves saving us from those pits of despair that we that we find ourselves in. Is that just me? He saved me from my faithlessness! He saved me from my selfishness…from my hopelessness. And there’s a prayer in the middle of this song, and I just love the honesty in the words and it just says, “Take me as you find me, with all my fears and failings, and fill my life again…” And if that’s a prayer you need this morning… It’s a prayer I need EVERY morning. Let’s sing this together: 

And so we sang the well-known song, Mighty To Save.

So take me as You find me
All my fears & failures
Fill my life again

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

Surrendering all you have ever known and believed in is a scary thing. But it’s far less scary when you realize that a lot of times, everything you believed in wasn’t truly what God said. Sometimes man’s rules and minute interpretations have become the thing I have strived to follow, instead of following Christ and Him alone.

I went to another workshop after the morning session. This one was on rest and restoration. I was expecting a checklist. This is what I need to do spiritually to find rest. Instead I found no doing. “You will never find rest and restoration apart from God!” It was said over and over and over. If you are tired, if you are empty…you need God and God alone. God above all. You don’t need a day at the spa. You don’t need to indulge yourself in chocolate. You don’t even need to be alone. You simply need Him.

Ouch. It was then that I realized that, while it may not be externally evident, my attitude over the last six years has been one of self-indulgence. I can’t please them. I can’t follow all of these rules, and I don’t even want to. Heck, I don’t even know if I can please God. I’m so exhausted. So tired of trying. So just screw it. I’ll do whatever I think makes sense for me and my life and I don’t care what anyone thinks about it.

Two deployments (and all that entails) and two years of motherhood while trying to please God all on my own, striving to be perfect and then indulging myself in pleasure when I fail…constantly weighed down by guilt. Some of it by sin. Some of it over not feeling like I’ll ever measure up to what God wants for my life because the lines between what He wants and what men wanted for me and expected of me got very blurred. It’s left me all so so tired. So empty. So dry. And I’ve been looking for rest and restoration in all the wrong places.

“You will never find rest and restoration apart from God!” 
Sandy Troutman

I was so overwhelmed with everything God was doing within my soul. After the last workshop I decided to skip our regional meeting and take a nap. To rest. Not just my body, but my mind and my soul. I woke up refreshed. Then I went to the evening general session, where this song was played and expressed with some beautiful sign language:

Leave it all behind, leave it all behind
Leave it all behind, leave it all behind

I have what you need but you keep on searchin’
I’ve done all the work but you keep on workin‘
When you’re runnin’ on empty and you can’t find the remedy
Just come to the well

You can spend your whole life chasin’ what’s missin’
But that empty inside, it just ain’t gonna listen
When nothin’ can satisfy and the world leaves you high and dry
Just come to the well

So bring me your heart, no matter how broken
Just come as you are when your last prayer is spoken
Just rest in my arms a while, you’ll feel the change, my child
When you come to the well

And all who thirst will thirst no more
And all who search will find what their souls long for
The world will try but it can never fill
So leave it all behind and come to the Well

And now that you’re full of love beyond measure
Your joy’s gonna flow like a stream in the desert
Soon all the world will see that livin’ water is found in me
‘Cause you came to the well

And all who thirst will thirst no more
And all who search will find what their souls long for
The world will try but it can never fill
So leave it all behind and come to the well

Leave it all behind,
(Your pursuit of perfection)
leave it all behind
(Your fear of rejection)
Leave it all behind,
(Your temporary pleasures)
leave it all behind
(All of your earthly treasures)
Leave it all behind,
(Dried up, empty religion)
leave it all behind
(Rusty chains of addiction)
leave it all behind
(All the guilt that weighs you down)
leave it all behind
And come to the well

Something has been missing in my life for a long time. And I have blamed legalism. I’ve blamed the false accusations and the hurts. And I’ve even blamed God. Where I have come from has become so distasteful that I could only see God through those lenses of legalism. And I didn’t like what I saw. As much as I still wanted God in my life, I still lumped Him in with all of the people who had hurt me. But God has shown me that He is so much bigger than all of that. I’ve been searching. Looking for Him elsewhere. In my own goodness. In other people. In PWOC. In other churches.

But the truth is that God cannot be found in a faction. Or a denomination. It doesn’t matter if I remain an Independent Baptist forever or join the most charismatic, seeker-sensitive, liberal church on the face of the earth. If I am looking ANYWHERE but to God and His Word, and that alone, then I will never be satisfied. I will never find true love and acceptance from mankind. The world, even the Christian world, will always leave me thirsty and tired.

And so I’m leaving it all behind. All the working for His favor. All the seeking for answers. All the desiring of the acceptance of people. Because He already has what I need. And He always has.

I’m coming to Him very broken. Very hurt. Very confused. Very empty. But I’m praying that He fills me with His love and His grace and His forgiveness. I’m trusting Him and Him alone to keep my paths straight. I’m trusting Him with my life…praying that He will fill it with love and joy again. So that my joy could flow like streams in the desert. So that others may know that Living Water is found in HIM and HIM ALONE.