When your child does everything the hard way
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At 10 weeks in the womb he was running and kicking and moving his little arms. A little fighter.
At 27 weeks, he would push his butt into my ribs. I would gently pat him in hopes of moving him. Finally, I took more aggressive measures and physically moved his whole body back into the center of my abdomen. He moved right back and pushed that butt up even further.
Then, it was time for his grand entrance. But his size combined with his tenacious determination to stay on my right side, it was impossible for him to be born without a slice across my stomach.
He was born at 10:32 PM. And all night long as I tried to sleep, he made small mewing noises from his bassinet next to me. Sleep wasn’t for him. He was ready to take on this big bad world.
Unless you meant eating. Because that wasn’t for him. No, he would rather scream and flail. For three weeks he fought. He fought hard. Then, with the help of four lactation consultants and a lot of tears and persistence, finally it made sense to him.
And once it did…
He loved nursing so much that it was all he wanted to do. He still didn’t want to sleep. He wanted to nurse. All day, all night – every day, every night.
When his teeth started coming in, he refused to teethe on things. He didn’t want anything in his mouth (well, except for Mommy).
It took him 16 months to begin to eat solid food.
At nineteen months, he finally decided that sleeping wasn’t all that bad – now that all his teeth were in.
So he looked for the next thing to fight about – to learn the hard way.
Two(plus) years of potty training.
Months on end of early morning wakeups.
Last night, one of the Facebook pages that I follow asked the following question:
The child’s age that’s easiest to parent is _______.
My mind raced back over the last 4 years – I couldn’t think of one age that’s been easy.
This was my reply:
“This one is on a mission to do everything the hard way. He is a fighter.”
Yes. He walked at 1. Talked at 1. And academically and intellectually is on a level beyond his age. But from my earliest recollection there has always been something he has been struggling with.
Last night he pooped in the potty. He jumped down off of the toilet and said, “It’s easy to go poop this way!”
I just had to smile because for so long, (and by so long I mean SO LONG), his cries were “I can’t!” and “It’s TOO HARD FOR ME!”
I wish I could say that I came up with some magic answer to get him to nurse, eat solids, sleep through the night, or poop in the potty. But I can’t.
Sure, there’s been persistence and faithfulness in doing the mom thing.
But there’s no magic. It’s all him. He fights and fights and fights and fights and then…something clicks in his little brain and he finally gives the struggle up and the too hard for me somehow becomes easy.
If I had the answer as to why – then he would know how to ride a tricycle, how to not wake up at 5:45 AM, how to stay in his room until his clock is green, how to not run across the kitchen and bash into me at full speed, how to not hit me or pull my hair when I put him in his car seat, how to not spit at his friends and teachers at school, and how to not have a full-on tantrum every time we try to discipline him.
But he doesn’t do any of those things. Because he’s still a fighter. Because he wants to do things his way – the hard way. The way that takes months and months (or years and years) to conquer skills.
Maybe you have a child like Ezra too. Maybe you can’t think of a time when he or she has been easy. And maybe you are exhausted from the fight.
Can I encourage you today?
Your child isn’t the only difficult child.
And you aren’t the only momma banging your head against the wall trying to get him to do this or that or behave this way or not do that bad thing.
Yesterday, at Moms group, the speaker said this:
“The days don’t always make sense…but the decades do.”
Somehow, that washed over me with a wave of relief. Because I can look back on the last four years and see the fighting and the struggle but I can also see the triumph and taste the sweetness of victory. And that’s just four years. So I’m sure that by the time Ezra is ten or twenty, things will make a lot more sense.
I have the feeling that Ezra is always going to be struggling and fighting on something. I think that’s just the way he is wired and I’m learning to accept that.
So right now, I’m trying to embrace love in the struggle. To breathe a lot of deep breaths knowing that this is just a phase (a really long phase) and this too shall pass (eventually) and, as my grandfather always said, “It will get better before you get married.”
So, to all of the moms of all of the difficult children out there:
It will probably never be easy. But it will always be worth it.
16 Comments
Kerith Stull
As the mother of an 18yo (with moderate cerebral palsy) and a 20yo, looking back to think of the “easiest” parenting year is a little easier only because there are more to choose from. But, it’s difficult to put each year on an “easy to hard” scale because they each had unique challenges that the other years didn’t have anything to do with. Maybe instead of “easiest” we should be thinking about the most “rewarding”. Looking back, I would venture to guess they all rank high on that scale. 🙂
Aprille
Yes! EVERY year has been rewarding in some way – for sure!
Carol Graham
My heart goes out to you – especially the last line – It will probably never be easy. But it will always be worth it. I hope it does get easier. My children were as easy as pie — and I am not saying that to be cold or uncaring. I am a health coach and deal with these kind of situations on a regular basis. If you would like to email me privately, we can talk about it. I also have an adopted, special needs son so I know there are solutions out there. I would love to help you.
Carol @ Battered Hope
Aprille
I appreciate it Carol. We have been seeking professional opinions here to make sure we are doing everything we can for him as his parents. He does not officially have any diagnosable “special needs,” but he’s definitely a handful!
Carol Graham
I work strictly with diet and what is “missing”. You may be surprised.
rachaeljdebruin
Found your blog on google and it has really spoken to my heart.
Myself: I have five children, and one of them has been a real difficult one to parent. Another one is super energetic and highly social to the point of being exhausting. Another one is very sensitive to everything around them…and on & on it goes! They are really sweet though, we’ve just had our share of bumps in the road.
I really am thankful for each & every one of them. I really do LOVE them. Immensely. But there are days that it is challenging for us. I find a lot of support from close friends, family & the Lord.
Have you ever read “The Strong-Willed Child” by Dr. James Dobson? That helped me to understand the natural born leader & their personality. Perhaps that is what your son is.
But of course no book or theory will have all the answer for us! It will be a day by day walking it out.
Thanks though for being so open with us.
Feel free to visit my blog at http://www.parentingandhomeschoolinginfaith.com
Your newest follower; hope to stay in touch 🙂
Aprille
Rachel, sorry for taking so long to respond! Thank you for your sweet comment. It sounds like you truly have your hands full, but you are still shining through it all! I haven’t read the book but I have heard it recommended many many times! I find it hard to find time to read! 🙂
Thanks for following and subscribing!
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Jennifer
Your story was just what I needed tonight. A reminder that I am not alone. My fighter is 4 and a middle child with an ADHD diagnosis. And it is hard. Everyday is hard. But it is also worth it.
Karly Darling
I normally do not ever read blogs. But yours captured me. I am a mom of two. I was separated and divorced from my ex-husband, but am now very happily married to an amazing Christian man. My ex and I had two extra special boys together, who are now 13 and 9. They both have Down Syndrome. My 13 year old is our fighter. He has been ever since I was pregnant with him and up to this present day. My, now, husband and I sometimes know what to do but the other half of the sometimes, we are often frustrated and do not know what to do, as the battles with him are everyday.
I feel you are on to something that we need to take into account: he is a fighter. But perhaps, and most likely, is not a bad thing. We know and love the Lord with all our hearts and seek Him everyday with these battles. These things and times are definitely not easy. Focus on the good, I have heard Father whisper in my ear. Focus, I must do. Focus on the Lord and the sweet taste of victory of the end battle when he does finally get it. And to think, I have ocassionally thought, perhaps the struggles are more for the parent(s) than the child. ???
Aprille
Karly, thank you for commenting (and I apologize for my late reply):
I think you are right. I sometimes thing that my son’s struggles have been more for my benefit than his. I’m a different person because of him. I’m also a different person because of his brother, who has struggled less. Children have a way of changing us, don’t they.
You sound like an amazing mother. Please feel free to check out some of our other posts on Down Syndrome. Perhaps they can offer you some encouragement today:
https://beautifulinhistime.com/2014/10/12/etched-upon-my-heart-forever-down-syndrome/
https://beautifulinhistime.com/2014/10/05/id-have-it-no-other-way-down-syndrome/
Tasha
Thank you <3
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