Breathe, just breathe {raw, unedited}

It’s 10:09 AM and I’m supposed to be at a support group for caregivers at the VA. I tucked my son into a friend’s car at the grocery store and took off. But somewhere between the traffic on the parkway and the flipping on the radio I realized that I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to talk with strangers about my life and I don’t want them to ask how I am and I don’t want to hear their stories today.

So now here I find myself listening to Anna Nalick over my headphones in Starbucks while my friend is braving the grocery store with her two littles and my little.

I wasn’t even sure why I came here – I brought my computer with me and I have some great blog posts that I could work on. A preschool series to finish and a 31 days series to work on. But I’m just not feeling it.

Right now I just want to sit here and listen to One Republic and drink my vanilla chai tea latte and let the words tumble out and not care how they fall. The words that I was too scared to let out yesterday because I didn’t want to deal with your comments.

There’s exactly one week until school starts and I can’t wait. It’s not about excitement…more about desperation. We had a good summer and then somewhere in the last few weeks it quit being good. And then adrenaline and excitement was gone and what was left was a tired girl really just wanting to quit every day.

And here I am. Back to barely coping. Again.

And then a celebrity had to go hang himself and the internet had to go blow up with a million and one blog posts about depression, suicide, and mental illness…and even though I haven’t read even a one of them (and don’t want to), it’s left me feeling like there is a cloud hanging over me. I know they are probably well-meaning people trying to say very well-meaning things, I just want everyone to shut up about it and move on.

Because in one thought I think about trying to have another baby and in the next moment I lose it for the 5 millionth time on this child who won’t obey me and instantly I wonder why in the heck I would want another one of these when this one I just want to go away and leave me alone for a second so I can breathe, just breathe.

He tells me “I love you and your beautiful hair and your beautiful ideas” and I melt and the next moment I’m back to begging and pleading with him to just do. what. I. said.

And I start feeling like I’m really going crazy.

And then I jump on Facebook and bam there’s another article about mental illness and I wonder if I’m just one step away from being there myself.

It’s just a phase, it’s just a phase I keep telling myself.

You’ll get through this…

And I know I will because I always do. And I’ll have 2.587987235987 seconds of peace before the next phase will hit.

I start wondering if it will ever end. If this child will ever NOT be difficult to manage. If I will never not feel like my mind is crowded. If I will ever not feel pulled in a million different directions.

I cut and prune as much out of my life as is feasible and then cut some more. I go to see a new Give an Hour therapist because mine moved away…and throw in some sessions at the VA because they are providing them for me and I need all the help I can get, right?

I click “decline” on social invitations and Bible studies and parties and only go out of my way to talk to about four of my friends because I feel like it’s all I can handle.

But my heart literally hurts because they are so. far. away and I’ve never gotten to hug them and I wonder why I always make the best of friends on this stupid thing called the Internet that half of the time I’m pretty sure is just ruining my life.

You keep trying to make “real life” friends and make time to get to know people in this town. You sit across from them at ChickFilA and they talk about people you don’t know and you can’t shake the feeling that you are still the new girl and that they are never gonna get you.

And that one person in town who you feel closest to (the one who has your kid right now) – when you are with her you tell her how you are angry and how you are frustrated and how you doubt and she shares the same things and yet you still wonder if you are talking too much.

{And then you realize you’ve somehow switched tenses in your writing which makes you feel even more crazy.}

I stop. I breathe. I swallow to banish the tears that keep pushing themselves against my eyelids. The sun streams in over chipped pink nail polish and the song is now Collide by Howie Day.

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme

I spent a good two hours yesterday looking at Doctor Who t-shirts, looking for the perfect one that was cute, but me…not too crazy-fan-girl. And eventually I just closed all of the tabs and gave up.

You tell yourself to stop trying so hard. Stop trying to be perfect. Give up. Relax. Let go.

But you feel lost because you aren’t sure what the difference is between that and just not caring about anything or anyone at all. You aren’t sure if you know how to find a middle ground. And you spend so much time in this place between the two and your steps feel uncertain and you worry about yourself constantly because you are pretty sure that not caring at all is not the answer but aren’t sure how to do anything besides that and stressing out about all. the. things.

So you lose yourself in these wrong words and some Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson and keep absently sipping on a latte that was empty ten sips ago (which you just now realized).

You wonder if all millennials are this angry and confused all the time.

You catch yourself taking another sip of empty latte. You should probably just through the daggone thing away.

I check my email to see that Allison Vesterfelt has a free e-book available for download, Writing to Find Yourself and wonder if you should download it. <—-really? I seriously need to pick a person to write in…

Check out this book if you:
-Always feel like you have something to say, but aren’t sure how to say it.
-Say to yourself, “I wish I could write a book someday, or start a blog… but I there’s already so much noise out there… I’m not sure what makes me unique.”
-Are feeling stuck or trapped in your life and are willing to try writing as a way to find your way out
-Are dealing with anxiety, depression or grief
-Desire a clarity in your life you can’t seem to find

Hmmmm….read my mind much, Allison?

And so I’ll download it but it will probably sit on my Kindle shelf with all of the other great books that could help me become a better person but I can’t seem to process them because my brain is already overloaded with this thing called life…

I find myself out of words. I close my eyes and listen to Daughtry and breathe…just breathe…

Select categories, tags… insert more tag, copy excerpt, fix shortlink. The pre-publish checklist that has become second nature.

The funk is still there, but somehow, the words falling out were therapeutic.

Hesitate on publishing. The music continues…

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace

All right…here goes nothing.

Publish